Anchored: Engaging with Others

Over the past several weeks on the blog, we have been following along with our fall Hope Groups as they go through Hope Mommies’ newly published Bible Study — Anchored.  For those of you who did not register for a group this year, this is an opportunity to walk through the topics studied in our Hope Groups. For those of you who are currently participating in a Hope Group, our desire is for these posts to reinforce the lessons you are learning with your group.   Wherever you are in your journey through loss and grief, I pray that this series will encourage your heavy hearts, remind you of truth, and point you to the unrelenting, far-reaching Hope of Christ as we anchor ourselves in Him and His Word.

Week 8: Engaging with Others

Sometimes people can be the greatest variable in our suffering as we are walking through the loss of a child.  We have all become familiar with these verses:

“Weep with those who weep”
-Romans 12:15b

“If one member suffers, all suffer together.”
-1 Corinthians 12:26a

We have hopefully all been touched deeply by the kindness and thoughtfulness of others who have walked with us in our grief and have shown us love in visible and authentic ways — friends who have wept with us, faithfully served us, and went out of their way to honor our precious babies who have gone home before us. 

But you have also, no doubt, experienced unwanted opinions, insensitive questions, and thoughtless advice from those around you on this heartbreaking journey.  Perhaps you have been offered suggestions as to how you could “solve your problem” as if the loss of a child is something that could ever be solved. 

Maybe you have found that as others heard about the loss you have experienced they began sharing stories about those who have it “worse off” than you in an attempt to lessen the sting of this sorrow by reminding you of how things could be “worse”.  How many times have you cringed at the words “at least” in the past weeks, months, or years?

And you’ve likely run into people who have chosen to avoid eye contact and conversation with you because the thought of trying to engage with you in your grief leaves them feeling uncomfortable and inadequate.  This silence from those around you only compounds the loneliness you already feel.

So how are we supposed to engage with others when sometimes the comfort they have attempted to extend is miserable at best? 

Grace.

As we think of the grace that has been extended to us by our Holy God, we ought to be compelled to show grace to others.  As seemingly impossible as it may be to remember, we too were once ignorant of what it was like to bear the weight of losing a child.  And if we try to put ourselves in their place, we may begin to grasp how difficult it really is to know what to say or do for someone who is suffering.

We can choose to take offense at every ill-timed or thoughtless word, or we can recognize the attempts they have made — albeit sometimes feeble —  to provide comfort to our weary hearts. 

So let’s give grace, you and me.  Let’s choose to realize that although we are often hurt by the things people say or don’t say in relation to our loss, most of the time, they really are trying their best to comfort us.  They just don’t have the words or experience to demonstrate and articulate it well. 

We also need to remember to turn our hearts towards our truest and purest Comfort. 

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
-Matthew 11:28, 29

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
-Psalm 34:18

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.”
-2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Often times the problem isn’t as much in what other people say or do, but in the expectations we have placed on them.  We long to experience the deepest comfort from those around us, when that level of comfort can only be found in the Lord. We have placed our expectations for healing in the hands of those who cannot fulfill them.  Dear One, run first to the God of all Comforts!  Be filled, renewed, built-up, and restored in Him!  Then, when our hearts have been fully satisfied through the abundant comfort that He so freely gives, we will be even better equipped to show grace to those whose attempts to comfort and encourage fall flat.

But, sweet sister, there is another side to this coin.  As much as we long for those around us to mourn and suffer with us, we often neglect the flip side of these verses:

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”
-Romans 12:15

“ If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.”
-1 Corinthians 12:26

How can we expect others to mourn with us in our losses and trials, when we so often view ourselves as exempt from rejoicing with others in the joys of their lives?  Do you believe that your suffering has absolved your responsibility to enter into the joys of those around you?  Sorrow is not an excuse to step back from celebrating with others.  

It is certainly not easy to celebrate with others when your own heart is so heavy with grief, especially when what they have gained or experienced is exactly what you have lost.  But dear one, this is what it means to be a part of the body of Christ!  We ought to feel deeply for each other in both the sorrows and the joys of life.   We are not called to mourn and rejoice with others when we can relate to what they are going through.  This command is not given with a list of exceptions!

Are you ready to be free from this cycle?  Are you willing to allow those around you to stop walking on egg shells around your feelings?  Will you choose to engage with others as you have been called to… as one body that lives together in unity?

“The Lord designed us to live in community.  He describes His church as a body because in a physical body, every part needs the others.  You need others to walk with  you during your mourning.  Running away form the hurtful situations will not help you grieve.  Staying away from pregnant women, or your friend who has a newborn, will only further alienate you.  Allow the Lord to lead you through the pain.  Hug the pregnant mom.  Hold the newborn baby (and cry your eyes out of you need to). But don’t run from the pain.  Allow God to use the relationships around you to help you heal.” 1

Thank God for the people around you who have shown you love and support in your suffering.  Ask Him to free you from the high expectations you may have placed on others. Pray that He will give you grace to forgive and overlook the insensitive actions and comments you have endured.  Ask that He will enable your heart to enter into the joys of those around you.  And enter into the rest and comfort that only He can supply!

1. Cushman, Erin. Anchored. Bloomington, IN: Westbow Press, 2015. pg. 110

Ashlee is the Editorial Manager for Hope Mommies. She and her husband, Jesse have three children on earth, two in Heaven, and a little one on the way.
You can get to know her more by reading her blog, https://beyondundone.wordpress.com/