Over the next nine weeks on the blog, we will be following along with our fall Hope Groups as they go through Hope Mommies’ newly published Bible Study — Anchored. For those of you who did not register for a group this year, this will be an opportunity to walk through the topics studied in our Hope Groups. For those of you who are currently participating in a Hope Group, our desire is for these posts to reinforce the lessons you are learning with your group. Wherever you are in your journey through loss and grief, I pray that this series will encourage your heavy hearts, remind you of truth, and point you to the unrelenting, far-reaching Hope of Christ as we anchor ourselves in Him and His Word.
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Week 7: Grieving Together With Your Spouse
“Be completely humble and gentle; Be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace.”
The loss of a child will change a parent forever. This great loss also permanently alters a couple’s marriage. When grief is so thick in our hearts we must be aware that not only one, but two people must learn to walk through life in this new shade of light, together. Together; it seems like such a simple word, but in a world full of hurt and pain it can feel impossible. God desires for us to be unified in our struggles. He wants us to move closer to Him, together.
There is not a book that was written on how “Jared and Calli’s” grief journey will unfold from the loss of “Blair” (please insert yours and your loved one’s names in the quotations). This is because God has a beautifully unique path for the loss of each of our Hope Babies, and He has special plans for each of our testimonies. Thankfully, His Word does provide us with direction on how we can nurture the holy covenant between husband and wife through our earthly strife. In Ephesians, we learn that unity in the Body of Christ consists of us being humble, gentle, patient, and loving. The same goes for our marriage. This can actually be a daunting task while walking the road of grief. Grief can instead bring on feelings of denial, anger, and depression in each person at different times and at varying degrees. This is when we should allow God’s love to overpower our earthly sorrows.
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”
-1 Corinthians 13:4-13
This is a beautiful kind of love that only comes from above and that we can experience because of what we have found in Jesus Christ our Savior. “We love because He first loved us.” (1 John 4:19) When it seems impossible to give or accept that kind of love we learn about in 1 Corinthians, we must remember that God can overcome our struggles and bring healing to us parents who have children in Glory. If you look through God’s Word, you will see that we are called to serve and provide for our spouses in many ways, but not once does it say that we are responsible for healing our loved one under any circumstance.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”
-Proverbs 3:5-6
The most important part of grieving together is admitting that you each need a Savior and neither one of you are it. Jesus is our one and only Savior. Many who walk this road are guilty of expecting the impossible from each other during this process. If your husband could take your pain away, why would you need God? If your wife could make all of your wrongs right, why would you need Jesus? If your significant other could heal your broken heart, why would you need our Savior? It is so easy to desire those things from someone we can see, touch, and feel, but we will continuously disappoint each other every single time. Those expectations and disappointments can take a toll on the already fragile state of your marriage. Individually walking closer to the Lord, will lead to unity in your marriage as God takes your testimony to produce beauty from ashes. Nurture your spouse and your marriage through this time and claim the Lord as your Shepherd as you grieve together.
“The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all of the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.”
Soak that in and let that settle in your heart. Understand and cherish that there is no other on this earth that is walking this exact journey along side you but your spouse. Your covenant to each other is to love through the good and the bad and this loss is part of your love story. God doesn’t end your love story with loss, as He is for your marriage and not against it. So let’s praise Him and give Him the glory, TOGETHER!
For more posts in this series, click on the links below:
Calli Williams is a passionate Christ follower. Calli is married to Jared, and has six children: Gavyn, Grant, Bertie, Gwyneth, Blair, who has been in Glory since November 2014, and Brynne , who joined their family in November 2015. She enjoys spending time with her family, reading when she can steal a quiet moment, using her creativity to craft, and splurging on anything chocolate
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