Bethany’s Story

“My story is not one I would have chosen to write.  It isn’t glamorous, it hasn’t been easy, but I would not be who or where I am today if I were the one writing it.  God has written my story, and throughout my story there have been many beautifully broken moments that I have had to desperately cling to what I know of God’s goodness and faithfulness.  I have been challenged in my faith and have still been able to boldly say that God is Good.

Just shortly after our first year of marriage, we were joyously surprised to find out we were going to be expanding our family.  I still had to finish my student teaching so I felt overwhelmed, but that moment I heard her heartbeat for the first time I fell in love.  I had a very uneventful pregnancy with no morning sickness and felt so good.  Finally at 42 weeks pregnant (yes you read that right, I went two weeks over my due date) we got to meet and hold our precious baby girl.  God was so good to bless us with her and we were so honored that he would entrust us with raising this little life.  When Michaela was 5 months old the reality of exactly how delicate and precious her life is became evident.  Both Michaela and I were in a serious roll over car accident.  The vehicle was totally crushed except for two bubbles surrounding the two spots we were in the car.  I got knocked around pretty good, but Michaela came out with a minor scratch.  We were ever so grateful for God’s goodness in sparing us from what could have been a major disaster.

Just before Michaela’s first birthday, we found out we were going to expand our family yet again and baby #2 was on its way.  Once again I felt overwhelmed as Michaela and this baby would only be 19 months apart.  I couldn’t imagine having two babies.  This time around I felt more of the normal “pregnancy symptoms” which made caring for a baby while growing another baby rather exhausting.  I remember wondering how I would do it.  At our 20 week ultrasound we were anxious to find out our baby’s gender.  The technician had a difficult time because baby was not cooperating and was measuring two weeks behind.  We ended up having my due date changed and scheduled another ultrasound for two weeks later.  I didn’t mind getting to see my baby again. 

The day after my second ultrasound somebody from my OB’s office called asking if I had talked to anyone about my ultrasound.  I explained nobody had since we just had it done the day before.  She was talking about my first ultrasound and didn’t even realize I had another ultrasound.  She explained to me that there were some “red flags” in my ultrasound and that she would rush my other ultrasound results to compare the two and then call me back.  When I hung up the phone I began sobbing and didn’t know what to do.  My whole world around me had fallen apart.  Waiting for her to call back was agonizing.  When she finally did she confirmed my worst nightmare, both ultrasounds showed the same red flags.  We were referred to a high risk OB and met with a genetic counsellor and him two days after the phone call.  At the ultrasound with the high risk OB he explained to us that our baby was showing signs of a chromosomal abnormality called Trisomy 18.  He then stated that babies who have this are “incompatible with life” meaning they do not survive long outside of the womb and some are stillborn.  It was a lot to take in.  We were then given the option to terminate.  We explained that wasn’t an option and in doing so found out that the doctor we were with was a Christian as well.  Right then and there he prayed over us.  It was absolutely beautiful.  God was so good in giving us Christian doctors — my OB is also a Christian.  From that point on we had to plan, prepare and pray.  I wrestled with God and prayed daily that he would heal my baby. 

During this time the Lord brought me a dear friend who at the time of my pregnancy was living day to day with one of her twin daughters who was severely disabled from complications at birth.  She brought me so much encouragement.  Shortly after I met her, her daughter passed away.  I went to the visitation and then afterwards I got in my car and I screamed, wailed, and pleaded with God asking Him to take this burden from me.  I told Him that I could not do this, I could not bury my baby.  I did the same thing after the funeral as well.  I begged God not to make me have to bury my baby. 

One thing my husband and I wanted to do was to give our baby a name that had meaning and that shared the hope we have in Christ.  So, we picked the name Tobin which means, “God is Good”.  We wanted everyone to know that through everything we know and believe that God is Good.  On September 8, 2010 I delivered Tobin stillborn.  I hadn’t felt movement and an ultrasound confirmed one of my deepest fears.  Tobin’s heart was no longer beating on this earth.  After delivering Tobin, we held him and had some photographs taken.  The hospital blessed us with some beautiful keepsakes to remember him by.  One of the most difficult things to do was to hand him over.  Little did I know that earlier in my life God had been building a relationship I had with a dear friend’s family.  He was a funeral director and was like another father to me.  It was easier to hand Tobin over to him than to a stranger.  Although God did not heal Tobin the way that I so desperately prayed, I know with confidence that he is completely healed and that someday I will get to hold him again.  God is Good and He was able to use Tobin’s death for good.

A few months after we buried Tobin, we found out we were expecting again.  I couldn’t enjoy being pregnant.  Although we were told Tobin’s chromosomal abnormality was a fluke thing, I was filled with a lot of anxiety.  So I found my strength in prayer and Scripture.  At our 20 week ultrasound I looked for the “red flags” that I now was familiar with and could recognize on the screen.  The ultrasound was no longer a joyous time for us. I worried until I held my baby in my arms. In November of 2011 we held our beautiful healthy baby boy.  I cried as they laid my son Aidan on my chest.  I praised God for His goodness to us while I still grieved the loss of Tobin.

Aidan brought us so much joy and shortly after he turned 1 we found out we were going to have another baby.  Again the anxiety set in and again I prayed like I never prayed before.  At 11 weeks I started bleeding and miscarried our precious baby.  Again my heart ached and I grieved this precious little life.  How could I lose another baby?  I had some extensive blood work done and it showed that I have a gene mutation called MTHFR.  It meant that if I were to get pregnant again I needed to have a blood thinner and an extra folic acid supplement.  God gave me the strength I needed and was faithful to bring me the comfort I needed.  A few months after I miscarried, I got pregnant again.  Because of my history I was monitored very closely.  I had a few scares, but in June 2014 I quickly delivered another beautiful healthy baby boy.  Again I was overwhelmed with joy and grief as I held my sweet baby.

When Westin was 7 months old we found out we were expecting again.  I was so nervous and scared and overwhelmed so we waited to announce that we were pregnant.  We waited until we were 16 weeks to announce we were going to have another baby.  We waited until it was “safe”.  At 18.5 weeks I went in for a checkup because I was concerned about having an infection.  I laid on the table in the doctor’s office tears streaming down my face as the nurse tried desperately to find my baby’s heartbeat.  I knew the truth that she was so desperately searching to avoid.   Once again my greatest nightmare became a reality.  As I sat in the office sobbing and waiting to have an ultrasound to confirm our baby’s passing, I found a song that was in my purse.  It was written by our worship leader and in that moment I clung to the beautiful biblical truths as I sobbed and sang the lyrics: 

“Though the earth may fade away
The mountains fall into the shore
And the waters roar with foam
We shall not fear, we shall not fear

Though our trials may not cease
and the pain seems limitless
We will still stand firm in God
We shall not fear, we shall not fear

Though temptation still persist
And we are weak with watered eyes
We will still cling desperately
To Jesus Christ, to Jesus Christ

We take refuge in You God
We take refuge in You God

A mighty fortress is our God
He will not fail, You will not fail us
He is with us through it all
You are our God and You are with us”

So, I delivered a stillborn baby on May 28, 2015, again I wrestled and questioned why God was doing this to me, again I only held my baby for a brief moment and again I had to bury my son.  We named him Gabriel which means “God is My Strength”.  We named him this because we know and believe that it is only by the strength of God we could make it through this devastating loss. 

God is writing my story and continues to write it.  I don’t know what He is going to write next but I know that He is faithful and that He is good.  I have seen Him use my story and my beautifully broken moments to encourage others and point to the Hope that can only be found in Him.  I look forward to the day when we He will wipe every tear from my eyes and I can spend eternity with Him and hold my babies once again.”

Bethany C
-Hope Mom to Tobin, baby Courson, and Gabriel

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