Kathryn’s Story

“October 2nd of last year I found two very dark pink lines on a stick, discovering that I was four weeks pregnant. This was one of the most joyful days of my life. Instantly, I called my mom and shared the news. We both cried in overflowing joy and thankfulness. She was going to be a grandmother and I a mom! It was the greatest feeling in the world. A miracle was being knitted together inside of me. That weekend Evan and I had a camping trip planned, which was a perfect time to share the news with him. I made a little note that said “I’m going to be a big sister!” and tied it to our dog Molly’s neck before we went to bed. He called Molly into the tent and found the note. I captured the entire moment on video.

Evan was thrilled. We spent the rest of the weekend celebrating and dreaming of our little one.

Weeks of anticipation went by as we couldn’t wait for the appointment to see our child for the first time. In the meantime, we told my parents. Mom, already knew, but she faithfully kept it from my Dad. One night we went out to eat. Evan and I gave him a gift with a bag of POPS lollipops. Inside also contained a card exclaiming “You are going to be a Pops!” He was so excited he hardly knew how to react. Granny and Pops were already filled with so much love and anticipation for the little one.

The next few weeks were filled with all of the good things you do when you first find out you are pregnant. We went shopping for baby clothes and my mom sent gifts in the mail with little letters to our unborn child. One week during the waiting, before we had told any of our friends, a girl from church came up to me saying she felt like the Lord told her that I was pregnant and that I needed to remember the Bible story of Hannah and Samuel. She spoke lots of sweet words and I wrote them down in a journal shocked that she somehow knew we were expecting. I spent the next few weeks meditating on that story and asking God why that was so important. I remember the fear I felt for something to go wrong since my best friend had miscarried a few months before. God met my fear with truth from the story of Hannah and Samuel. I knew I had to give up control. I told Evan, “It doesn’t matter if I have the baby for nine weeks, nine months, nine years, or ninety years, I am going to be thankful, and the baby is in God’s hands.”

Our first appointment finally came. We were so nervous and excited at the same time.

They called our names and we went back into the sonogram room. As the nurse set up the machine we chatted about this being our first child and how thrilled we all were. She then put the cold jelly on my abdomen and finally on the giant screen in front of me you could see my womb. Inside there was a little peanut shaped baby and I was filled with relief, joy and awe at what God had created. I still remember the look on Evan’s face as he saw his first child. But, then I turned and looked at the nurse. Her face was void of any joy as she frantically messed with the machine, searching my abdomen. A few minutes of silence went by and her face was now white. Racing thoughts moved through my mind and all the while time seemed to stand still. She then broke the silence with words no mother should ever hear, “I can’t find a heartbeat.” From that moment I don’t remember much. I sort of went into a shock. The nurse guided Evan and I through the back into a room where I was asked to sit and wait for my doctor. I just stared. Evan and I didn’t know what to do. Should we pray for healing or pray for peace in accepting what has just happened? Do I cry in remorse or do I fight for hope?

The doctor came in with remorseful tears in her eyes and gave us the options. Because of how far along I was, she recommended I have a D&C. The baby was not alive and had only developed to just over seven weeks. She said we could give it three days and come back for another ultrasound before the procedure was done. But the fact remained, I would soon miscarry. She left Evan and I alone to chat about the options. We sat there and cried and asked God how to respond. Over the next few days we sent this email out to some of our close friends and family.

“It is with great sorrow, but surpassing peace, that we write this email to all of you. When they did the sonogram on Friday, at nine weeks pregnant they didn’t find a heartbeat and told us that our baby had only developed to 7 weeks and 3 days. It was a hard weekend, but God was very present in hearts. God has been so very faithful to love, comfort, and even teach us through this process. God has been showing us, even before this weekend, how the miracle of life is not in our hands but in His, and that our children are ultimately more His than they will ever be ours. He is the one who knits life together in the womb. This verse was given to us by a friend a few weeks ago and the Lord reminded us of it this weekend.

For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord.” 
-1 Samuel 1:27-28

We named the baby Sam after this verse. We have a second ultrasound today and whether we find a heartbeat or not, we have given Sam to God. The last few days we have been reminded of Jesus when He said,

“Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”
-Mark 14:36

In your prayers, we ask that you would pray along with us for God’s perfect will in the situation. We have been learning that faith is not so much praying for what we want to happen, but trusting God that He knows what needs to happen and praying for His will to be done. We are praising God because He is a good, good Father. We know He loves this little one more than we ever could. We also ask for your prayers for Kathryn’s surgery tomorrow morning.”

From the example of Jesus, we learned that the best thing to do was to simply pray God’s perfect will. Leading up to the procedure we were met with a clashing of devastation and God’s perfect peace. The night before the procedure I had a dream. In the dream I was in the Sea of Galilee. It was storming and I was standing on the rolling waves beneath my feet. I could hear people yelling in the boat behind me but I was staring fiercely at Jesus. I was then filled with fear knowing that if He were to look away, if Jesus were to break our gaze, I would sink. As if He heard my thoughts, Jesus responded with a whisper louder than the thundering storm around us, “I’m not going to.” I pondered that along with the fact that He could hear my thoughts and then He said “Just keep your eyes on mine, just keep your eyes on mine, just keep your eyes on mine.” Peace filled my heart and I woke up. I knew from the dream I needed to keep my eyes on Jesus to stand on this storm. He was so faithful to never look away. We did not have a heartbeat at the second ultra sound, but I did get a photo of Sam printed to keep.

After the week of surgery and miscarriage was over Evan and I went to McKinney to spend some time alone and to process. We sat drinking coffee and talking over the events that just took place. We then tried to calculate Sam’s birthday to Jesus, or when he arrived in heaven. The doctor calculated that Sam had developed to seven weeks and three days, which put that “birth date” to be October 15, 2015. Then the thought entered my mind, “What if that day was the same day the girl from church gave me that word about being pregnant and the story of Hannah and Samuel?” I ignored the thought because it sounded crazy, but I couldn’t get it out of my mind. So I went out to the car, and got the journal that I remember writing in. I hadn’t looked at the note since the day I wrote it down. 

We were shocked. The same day that girl spoke those words was the same day Sam went to be with Jesus and literally stood in front of God, and said “Here I am.” In the story of Hannah and Samuel, the Lord would call Samuel and Samuel would respond “Here I am.” We cried and thanked God for such a sweet confirmation and such intentional love.

That same day we went to a flea market. I had been searching for a week for some tangible way to remember Sam. I was hoping that could be through a necklace of some kind. But, custom jewelry was expensive so I new that might not be possible until Christmas. In the parking lot of the flea market I told God “It would be so awesome if there was a necklace here to remember Sam.” We made our way through the market, still amazed at what we found in my journal, when a particular booth caught my eye. The booth was filled with all sorts of jewelry to remember those who had passed away, including several miscarriage specific pieces. Again, I was shocked. I told Evan what had been on my heart and what I had told God and that we absolutely had to get a necklace here. The little lady behind the booth helped me find some pieces and asked what we were buying for. I told her, and tears welled up in her eyes. When writing out our order, she then told us “I am only going to charge for the chain on this.” Tears rolled down mine and Evan’s faces and she came over to give me a hug whispering in my ear, “You need to know that God sees you, Sam is with God, and that He loves you.” She couldn’t be more right.

I remember standing with Evan at the altar on our wedding day after hearing the words come out of his mouth “for better or for worse, in the good times and bad” wondering what the “for worse” and “bad times” would be in our life. The worst thing I think any marriage could go through is the loss of a child. But we never thought that would happen to us. My only request to God after it was all over was that He would not leave the dirt barren. If the dirt must be there, please use it to grow something good.

I think the good He grew was Sam’s story and how He taught us to keep our eyes on Him. He met us with such love, grace, and peace. On my first Mother’s Day I remember Sam. Even though I was only able to mother him for seven weeks and three days, I am so thankful for that time and all that he or she 🙂 taught me. Our children will always be more God’s than they will ever be ours and the best thing I could ever do is to trust God and pray His perfect will into their lives. I don’t think I will ever look at storms the same. Most of the time I start drowning in the waves, and Jesus is so faithful to grab my hand, but I will never forget the peace I felt met with His gaze standing on top of the waves. I am so used to asking God to be the “Calmer of The Storm” which He definitely is. But what happens when He doesn’t calm the storm? How is He still good? He is good, because He stands in the midst of it with us.  I found that even when the storm goes on, through His steady gaze He gives us the ability to stand on top of it. So, thank you God, thank you Sam, for making me a mother. Thank you for standing in the storms with us. That is always worthy of celebration.”

Kathryn B
-Hope Mom to Sam

Are you a writer?  Hope Mommies would love to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog.  Every Saturday we will be sharing another Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow.  If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose please send a draft between 800-1200 words to editor (at) hopemommies (dot) org.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Widget not in any sidebars

---