We Have Been Shown Grace

It’s easy, when you’ve suffered, to think that you are now the expert in grief. You know what it means to be painfully hurt and hopeless—what hurts, and what helps.

But if I’m honest, before I lost my son, I had no idea what it was like to grieve so much. I had experienced some loss, and am naturally empathetic, but I am positive that I’ve said, done, and forgotten things that caused others additional heartache. To be completely transparent, even since my losses, I continue to say, do, and forget things for others who are suffering, and have likely caused them pain. I have had to apologize to my own husband many times for not caring for him well in his aches.

Instead of holding friends and family to a standard they cannot attain, I instead can have grace with them.  Sometimes, grace may look like absorbing a painful comment and giving someone the benefit of the doubt —even when I might get in my car later and cry because it stung. Because my identity is not found in how others respond to my pain, I can rest in God seeing me in those moments of loneliness and isolation.

On the flip side, I can also have grace for my community by speaking truth into the painful action. There are times where it is appropriate to tenderly and honestly speak our child’s name into their memory, or patiently and gently correct them when they say, or do, or forget the wrong things. At times, grace may also look like me being vulnerable—literally explaining, “This is what I need,” or “This is what hurts me,” so they can care for me well.

Let’s be honest, true community wants to love us. They want to say the right things. Instead of causing them to withhold out of fear of saying or doing the wrong things (and haven’t we all been there?), let’s use our experience to help our friends learn how to care for the hurting by letting things go, or by speaking truth into the additional pain.

The ultimate reason why we can have grace for our community?

We’ve been shown such grace ourselves.

We are often reminded that we have a Savior who has suffered on our behalf as followers of Jesus.  Remembering that Jesus knew and endured suffering has reassured me many times as I consider my own.  Knowing that Mary, the mother of Jesus, and Eve, the very first mother, both experienced child loss—that has comforted me. Knowing that God Himself lost His Son—that has drawn me to Him.

But, I often forget the reason that Jesus suffered. He suffered on my behalf. “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Because of me, Jesus suffered and died.

If Jesus was willing to enter into the messiness of the world, humbly living among men, and still chose to love those who would ultimately cause Him the most suffering, how much more can His salvation of my soul, and the Holy Spirit’s transformation of my heart allow me to love others as well?

It’s hard to have grace for our community. It’s painful to experience those hurtful comments or forgetful questions. I’ve been there. There is a time and a place to allow those things to happen, and a time and a place to gently speak into those situations. But, I want to be a woman who knows and makes known the Savior of the world—even though I have suffered greatly, and because I have suffered greatly. He has given me community. So I pray for grace upon grace, and I pray that is true for you as well. We are freed in the gospel to do so.

My husband John-Mark and I live in Richmond, VA, where we spend our days with college students, sharing the grace and truth that Jesus offers as He transforms their lives – and ours. I am a big fan of warm weather and the beach, meaningful conversations with those I love, and my family. These days I am in a new phase of my motherhood as I invest most of my time caring for my youngest, a sweet baby girl. The greatest honor of my life is being a mom of two with babies in Heaven.

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