An Extension of God’s Grace

Young woman looking over window pane holding coffee. Thoughtful woman thinking and looking away while drinking hot tea. Woman in warm sweater looking outside window while drinking tea at morning.

A few weeks after we received a fatal diagnosis for our son, we received one of my favorite emails yet.

A friend, who had been walking through deep waters of grief for many years, wrote that she and her husband were praying for us to have grace for our community.

I smiled.

She knew exactly what it meant to be in the position we were in.

At this point we had received several emails, cards, and comments from people who wanted to care for us well. At times, though, the things that they felt might comfort us weren’t exactly encouraging. In fact, many things people said stung—I still remember some of them nearly three years later.

I remember being thankful people were saying something rather than saying nothing. I honestly didn’t have all the right words, either, but although well-intended, some phrases, comments, or stories were tough to take in.

In time grief became deeper, harder, darker, and also more familiar and normal, and I often thought back on that prayer. Be an extension of God’s grace.

As challenging as it may feel at times, and as little energy as we often have in grief, we still must extend grace to those around us.

When we go through significant loss, we begin to assume that we deserve things a certain way. I remember friends even telling me after we lost our son, that we deserved a healthy next pregnancy. I went so far as to assume that because of the pain I had endured, I somehow deserved the right to avoid any suffering for the rest of my life; I’d suffered enough.

But this is not what God promises in His Word.

Do I need extra care at times from those who love me? Of course. Will I have times where I am not suffering? Sure. Does God use the things we’ve gone through to teach us, mold us, and sometimes give us good things? Yes. But where does God promise that satisfaction will be found? Not in others, not in my circumstances, but in Him. 

Therefore, we cannot simply live entitled to ease or pain-free living after loss. We lay down our rights at the cross—even the right to comfort. We have no inherent right to never have someone forget our child, to never feel lonely or hurt, to get everything else we want in life, to think ourselves higher than anyone else because we have suffered “more” than them, and so on. 

Instead, we can be an extension of God’s grace for the simple fact that our contentment does not come in how others view or treat us, but rather, in the One who sees us in our pain, empathizes with us, relates to us, and cares for us. We are freed up to love others, even when we have suffered, because our identity does not come in the things that God has or has not given us, but in who He has called us to be—His children.

My husband John-Mark and I live in Richmond, VA, where we spend our days with college students, sharing the grace and truth that Jesus offers as He transforms their lives – and ours. I am a big fan of warm weather and the beach, meaningful conversations with those I love, and my family. These days I am in a new phase of my motherhood as I invest most of my time caring for my youngest, a sweet baby girl. The greatest honor of my life is being a mom of two with babies in Heaven.

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