7 results for tag: Facing the Firsts

My First Time With Other Babies Born When Mine Was Due

A few weeks after I miscarried my first baby, a close friend who hadn’t even told us she was trying to conceive, warned me about thirty minutes before our small group girl’s accountability meeting that she had been trying to conceive, and was in fact pregnant. I did a decent job in that moment of putting on a happy face and faking excitement. But during the ten minute drive from where she and I had coffee to the house where we were having group, I began to unravel at the seams. By the time I arrived, my heart was bitter and angry, and I was barely holding it together. As we went around the circle sharing what God was doing in our lives and ...

My First Time Returning to Work After Loss

I sat in my car, trying to practice the deep breaths I knew I needed to take. I rolled some essential oils on my wrists, touched my Isaac necklace, and thumbed through my purse to be sure the pictures of my baby were still there. I hesitated. I cringed. I wanted to drive away. Instead, I opened the car door, stepped out, stood still and straight, and walked unsteadily towards my office building, pep-talking myself each step of the way. Thoughts and memories of the baby announcement at work, along with the smiles and well-wishes, flooded my mind as I climbed the stairs. I walked in the door and went straight to my desk. I remember feeling ...

My First Baby Shower Invitation After Loss

When I was little, one of my favorite things was receiving mail. Whether it was a birthday card, a magazine, or a dentist appointment reminder, it thrilled me to see my name in print. The absolute best, though, was a party invitation. That signified that I had been chosen to partake in a day of fun. I would proudly hang the invitation on the refrigerator with a magnet and count down the days until the party. Even now, I still love being invited to share in someone’s special day. I am usually always ready for a celebration. It feels wonderful to be included in those significant moments. But that wasn’t the case with this particular invitatio...

The First Time I Was Alone After Loss

It was a Friday night, exactly thirteen days since Chance’s funeral. I was home alone with the girls while Brandon was at a baseball game with friends. This was the first night since we’d lost Chance that I would be alone for a significant amount of time. Being alone is not something that has ever bothered me, and quite frankly, I enjoy moments to myself. But during that time, as I was grieving the loss of my son, I craved faces and people and bodies.  I knew I was taking a risk. I was putting myself in a vulnerable situation, but I kept telling myself it would be good for me and all would be okay. I also knew that Brandon needed ...

Anticipating the First Birthday

Next week, it will be a year since our daughter, Ginny, was stillborn. Looking from the outside, it may seem that not much has changed since this time last year. We are living in the same house and driving the same roads. I was pregnant then, and I’m pregnant now. I was designing a nursery then, and I’m designing a nursery now. It’s the same room in a different color scheme. It sat empty this year. Most days, no one even entered through the door. Some days, I would enter and sit in the glider. I sat gliding with my empty arms and full but broken heart, staring at a bouquet of silk sunflowers that remind me of her.  In reality, ...

The First Pregnancy Announcement I Received After Loss

I’ve often compared my grief to an infant who needs full attention and love to survive. Friends often extend immense grace to us in our grief as they did in my case, but eventually, the attention naturally dwindles as our grief continues. It isn’t because our friends are bad friends who have forgotten about our pain. This world just keeps moving forward and sweeps us right along with it. Life goes on, and naturally other babies enter the story—babies who live and are healthy. This was one of the most difficult parts of my early grief process, but also one of the most healing and redemptive. I still to this day feel terrible for the close ...

My First Quiet Time After Loss

Following the stillbirth of my first daughter, I looked to the Scriptures intently for answers about where she would spend eternity—later recording my findings in Made for a Different Land: Eternal Hope for Baby Loss. Then, as my husband and I planned our daughter’s memorial service, we looked to the Scriptures for words of the Lord’s peace and hope that would be featured on that day. In these earliest days of grief, my grandfather also wrote devotionals for my husband and me when loss was newest; these daily biblical words came to me spoon-fed—as the weak need.  Scripture was part of the first days of my grief, yes. Reasserting ...