The First Pregnancy Announcement I Received After Loss

I’ve often compared my grief to an infant who needs full attention and love to survive. Friends often extend immense grace to us in our grief as they did in my case, but eventually, the attention naturally dwindles as our grief continues. It isn’t because our friends are bad friends who have forgotten about our pain. This world just keeps moving forward and sweeps us right along with it. Life goes on, and naturally other babies enter the story—babies who live and are healthy. This was one of the most difficult parts of my early grief process, but also one of the most healing and redemptive.

I still to this day feel terrible for the close friend that had to announce her pregnancy to me first only a few months after Anna died. I giggle thinking about it, because she really did draw the short straw, right? I’m not sure if God had a greater purpose for her in this, but I am now grateful it was her because of the grace she showed me and the grace I learned to show her despite our pain and happiness coexisting for each other.

Before my friend could even tell me, I suspected she was pregnant. I tried to prepare myself, but as you may know well, no amount of self-preparation really gets you ready to digest this news as truth. Finally, the day came when my suspicion became reality. I will be completely honest, it hurt like a stab to the heart. I was mad. Not because she didn’t deserve a baby or to have her desires fulfilled by God, but simply because it allowed Satan to whisper the lie that God loved her more than me by letting only her have what we both desired. And I was jealous. This is an embarrassing truth, but it felt as though my friend had done this to hurt me despite the rationalization in my mind that she hadn’t. This is what I mean by having child-like needs in grief.

It took three months for me to come to the point where I could be honest with this friend about how hurt I was over the situation. I chose to write her an email so I could pray over specific words to say, and I only expressed my struggle with honesty, not condemning her, and seeking peace above all else to salvage our relationship. Thankfully, she responded immediately in grace as well, and it allowed her to see a new part of my grief that she hadn’t yet understood. It helped her open up about things she thought about Anna that she hadn’t shared yet, and showed me the care that she had for me. This reconciliation taught me that patiently responding in humility and grace brings the gift of peace over strife, and that I could still rejoice with her while I mourned my own grief.

That one discussion didn’t end the internal struggle, especially as we ventured into her second trimester and past the time I missed out on with Anna. I assisted planning her baby shower, bought baby gifts, and witnessed other’s excitement for this gift she was receiving. It was all still really hard to endure, taking the full nine months for me to be fully released from the burden of the pain and the lies I was believing. But when her baby arrived, I felt a sense of renewal in my heart that God had finally healed whole. Over a year later, I can honestly say this horrible part of my grief was worth the struggle to keep our friendship and we now have a deeper intimacy because of this situation. 

If you are fresh in your grief, still needing that delicate attention, ask God to provide the right person for you to hear this news from for the first time, and pray for the grace to endure it righteously. I didn’t know to pray that, yet He provided. I writhed in fear as I waited for the day I would hear that a friend was pregnant, but I look back and see how God never left my side and was faithful to show me the tenderness I needed through it. He showed me that the blessings He bestows on one of His children doesn’t take away from the love He has for His other children. As our perfect Father, He does not love any of His children more than the others

I’m so grateful I allowed myself to keep the wound of pain open enough to heal it from the inside out. This wound wasn’t the result of an attack from my friend or her precious baby, it was a wound caused by sin that was already—envy, self-righteousness, entitlement, and a lack of grace and mercy waiting to be dealt with. I chose not to band-aid this festering wound with feel-good self-talk or denial, but instead, felt every aching part. 

Each time a new self-centered thought would surface, I’d hand it over to God (sometimes not so willingly), allowing the fresh oxygen of truth—God’s Word—to reach this wound until eventually it healed over and scarred. Like a scar, this memory can be a little tender or have that weird tingling feeling if it’s struck just right, but most often it’s simply a reminder of a season of growth through my grief that God knew I needed.

The first pregnancy announcement after your loss will definitely come. You can’t avoid it, but you can ask the Lord to prepare you for it and then trust that He will carry you through it. Most of all, I encourage you to humble yourself before the Lord and seek gentleness, mercy, and peace when this time does come. Even if it seems as though all of your friends are pregnant as you grieve, I promise He hasn’t forgotten about you, your pain, or your baby.

“For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.”
-James 3:16-18

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I am married to Justin and Hope Mommy to Anna Joy. We live in sunny south Florida where I love reading, writing, teaching, and just being with family & friends! I work in the hospital as a RN, and humbly serve as volunteer Nurse Manager at our local pregnancy resource center, Care Net. My personal ministry passions include leading women to deeper understanding of Jesus’ truth through their marriage struggles, sexuality, and miscarriage.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.

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