Anticipating the First Birthday

Next week, it will be a year since our daughter, Ginny, was stillborn. Looking from the outside, it may seem that not much has changed since this time last year. We are living in the same house and driving the same roads. I was pregnant then, and I’m pregnant now. I was designing a nursery then, and I’m designing a nursery now. It’s the same room in a different color scheme. It sat empty this year. Most days, no one even entered through the door. Some days, I would enter and sit in the glider. I sat gliding with my empty arms and full but broken heart, staring at a bouquet of silk sunflowers that remind me of her. 

In reality, everything has changed since this time last year. I feel like a different person. I’ve learned so much. Yes, my heart was broken in a million pieces. Yes, my identity and my vision for the future seemed to disappear in that moment. But, through all of that, my heart has grown so much.

I have so much more love and compassion to give. I experienced God’s comforting presence in our sorrow. Now I can comfort others with the comfort I received (2 Corinthians 1:4). My faith has been strengthened, and I see things from more of an eternal viewpoint now. My hope extends beyond earthly things now; my hope is in Christ and the kingdom of heaven. 

“If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” Colossians 3:1-2

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in Him.’” Lamentations 3:22-24

I believe the baby in my belly has a better mama because of the impact of his big sister. I am so extremely grateful for that, for Ginny, and for all this year has taught us. 

This is why I want to celebrate her birthday. I want to honor her short but precious life on earth, and I want to acknowledge our grief and survival. I want to rejoice in our hope. I want to thank God for all of it!

How can I plan anything good enough or grand enough for this celebration? How can others participate without truly knowing what it all means? To others, this is a birthday party for a baby that never lived outside the womb. To me, it’s one of the most meaningful celebrations of my life. It represents life, love, renewal, hope, and all that God has shown us this past year. 

Should we invite friends over, have cake, and sing? Maybe we can say a few words to honor Ginny, write her notes, and plant flowers in little pots for people to take home with them. Will that be enough? Will that be too much for me to handle?

Will I even want to be around people? Will I want to just relax at home with my husband and cry? Will we want to get away like we did for her due date? Should we run to the ocean and watch the waves crash in? 

Should we start a tradition? Should we donate baby items to the hospital? Would it be too hard to go back to where she was born, or would it be healing to go back there?

Will I regret doing something or not doing something? The anticipation and expectation of this date are building. I want to do it right…

I turn to the Lord and ask what we should do to truly honor Him and Ginny. God reminds me of His presence on that day almost a year ago. I’m reminded how He felt so near, of the peace that transcends understanding. I’m reminded how we were not alone; I know we won’t be alone this year either. No matter what we decide to do, God will be with us. We will be surrounded by His love, and we will be filled with our love for Ginny. There is no wrong way. 

He will give us grace whatever we decide, just as He gives us grace everyday. I will try to make it special, but I won’t put too much weight on this birthday. No matter how we celebrate, the gifts of this year will never be forgotten. Ginny will never be forgotten.

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

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Aimee lives in Cary, North Carolina with her husband Daniel. They moved there from Oklahoma in January 2018. Aimee is Hope Mom to her beautiful daughter Ginny Hope who was born February 26, 2019. She and Daniel are learning to trust God and move forward in their grief day by day. You can read more at her blog.

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