Melody’s Story

My story as a mother began in August 2017. As my husband and I were just over two and a half years into our marriage, we thought it was a good time to try and start a family. We started trying that July, and to our surprise we found out we were pregnant in August. We were thrilled and couldn’t wait to tell family.  

We told our parents when we were eight weeks along. It was a Saturday morning. The next day ended turning into something completely different than we had ever imagined. We were supposed to go to a professional football game that day, but I started bleeding heavily in the morning. I knew something wasn’t right and called the midwife I was working with. She told me what was happening and said we should go to the emergency room. 

We headed there frantic, scared, sad, and confused. When we got there, they did an ultrasound and told us the news we didn’t want to hear. My body passed our first baby later that night. This was one of the most painful things, both physically and emotionally, that I had ever gone through. We named this baby Esther. 

In the weeks following, we let my body heal and decided to test my hormones. After doing some testing and changing some things in my body, we were given the green light to try again. After only nine months after our first miscarriage, we were pregnant with Nehemiah. We were excited, yet nervous at the same time because of what happened before. 

This time, we told our parents at six weeks and then lost him at eight weeks. Again, my body passed him naturally. We were devastated. We didn’t understand. We thought this wasn’t supposed to happen again because of the things we had done to help my hormones. After going through a miscarriage a second time, we didn’t think we could go through it again. We decided to get some further medical testing done and they had no answers for us. 

I had a hard time with that. I knew there was something deeper going on, so we found a holistic doctor to help us. We ended up finding a lot of things going on in my body, so we committed to healing and rebuilding my body for a couple years. I felt the best I had ever felt in my life. When the time was right and we felt good about it, we started trying again. 

A few months later, we ended up finding out we were pregnant. This time it was different. We found out the gender early and got to do our first gender reveal. It was so fun being able to enjoy those aspects of pregnancy. I had what I call a “supernatural” pregnancy. I had no morning sickness and no real health issues that we knew of. I was feeling so good and loved being pregnant. I was so joyful in this time because it was something I had dreamed of.

I worked with a midwife who knew my journey and she was amazing. Each week was a step closer to meeting our son, Kanaan Asher Joseph. We were so excited to finally have our time parenting a child. It’s what we had always wanted. 

Months and trimesters rolled by. Our nursery was coming together and I put the finishing touches on the room right before my first baby shower. I put so much thought into his room it made me smile. I got the car seat, stroller, crib, and almost everything we needed. I was reading and learning about the ways of motherhood, birth, delivery, and breastfeeding. I wanted to be as prepared as I could. My husband and I spent countless hours preparing for our miracle child. 

At 31 weeks I had my baby shower, and then my next prenatal appointment at 34 weeks. During the visit, my midwife was concerned I was measuring too small and suggested we do an ultrasound the next day. At that ultrasound, we found out the most devastating news. There were all sorts of things wrong with our son. It was such a long list, I thought it might never stop. She wanted us to do a level two ultrasound the next day to confirm. Needless to say, we got the same news, but in a much worse way. It was the hardest thing telling our families what was going on, as we didn’t even fully understand it ourselves. 

I’ll never forget feeling so numb while waiting in the room to see the genetic counselors and doctor. I was asked to do an amniocentesis to confirm their diagnosis of Trisomy 13. We had never heard of this and didn’t want to believe our son had it. Nothing made sense. We learned this happened the moment of conception and there was nothing we could have done about it. There was no reason for it. 

After all we had been through, now this? God felt far away as the rug was pulled out from under us yet again. As we did the procedure and waited for results, we had to make even more hard decisions. I was going to have to deliver him and it was highly unlikely that he would still be alive. If he was, he would not live long. We didn’t even know how to prepare. 

September 7, 2021, Kanaan was born sleeping late in the evening. I delivered him naturally with the help of my midwife, the support of one of my sisters, and my husband. He went straight to heaven before I even got to say hello or goodbye. 

There were so many emotions—the pain, the tears, the exhaustion, but yet, peace. God reminded me that my son was safe with Him already. It’s not what I had wanted, but it gave me peace knowing Kanaan was safe. 

That same day he was delivered, it was confirmed that he had Trisomy 13. I never imagined that something like this would happen to us. We don’t know the answers why, and we probably never will. We have to give up our right to understand, and instead receive the gift of peace that surpasses all understanding. It’s a hard but very necessary thing to do in this journey of grief. 

We know God will use our darkest days to bring light into someone else’s world. I pray that you will receive this hope and His peace that doesn’t compare to anything else. May we continue to look to God and His kingdom and hold onto hope while we wait for our reunion with our children someday. 

I’m a wife, mother to three babies in heaven, a holistic health and wellness practitioner, gardener, homesteader, crafter, and lover of nature and outdoor actives. I love spending time with my three fury babies and husband. I would choose mountains over the beach and love sunsets. Walking and hiking outside are one of my favorite activities to do all year round. My faith is a big part of who I am and my goal is to bring hope to every person!

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