Discussions in Grief: Timeline

Grieving involves new emotions and considerations often too many to numbers. When you find yourself in overwhelming grief, you likely feel buried and lost. In this series, we slowly and compassionately look at one aspect of grief at a time from a biblical perspective for the newly grieving mother. Click {here} to read past posts in this series. 

Imagine setting out on a road trip all alone without a map. There is a destination, but it isn’t clear where. There are deep canyons, detours, and road blocks along the way, but without a map or GPS the route will be dangerous, time-consuming, and there is no way of knowing when you will arrive. Most people find grief to be just such a journey.

Grief is a messy and treacherous thing, full of twists, turns, peaks and valleys. It is something to be actively experienced and worked through with our whole being (mind, body and spirit) and, because each person and story is unique, the grieving process is different for everyone. There is no clear-cut way to navigate all the emotions and complexities that come with losing a child. As such, I cannot offer you clear route or a defined length for your grieving path, but what I can offer you is hope. The world’s model of grief doesn’t offer hope, it simply offers acceptance of the loss of our babies. But, if we work through our grief with a biblical perspective, we have hope for restoration and even growth.

As I stated before, grief is something that needs to be actively worked through rather than passively observed. As such, let’s look at the process of grieving as a set of some of the tasks involved that have no particular order and are not necessarily sequential steps. Keep in mind that it is also possible to be in multiple stages at the same time.

Task #1: Acknowledging the Reality of Your Loss

The days and weeks after your precious child dies can feel like a fog. You may find yourself in shock or disbelief that all the dreams you had for this little one have come to an abrupt halt. For some this happens quickly while others remain in disbelief for months or even years. When the fog does begin to lift, you can begin to courageously face the truth about your new reality. Be honest with yourself and be honest with God. He knows what questions and emotions lie within your heart and He earnestly desires for you to pour them out at His feet.

“But I O LORD, cry to you; in the morning my prayer comes before you. O LORD, why do you cast my soul away? Why do you hide your face from me?”
Psalm 88:13-14

 “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.”
Psalm 62:8

Task #2: Weathering the Stress of the Loss

Grieving produces a wide range of physical and emotional trademarks: crying, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, numbness, withdrawing from society, chest pains, and so on. You may experience a few of these symptoms or perhaps all of them. These can also vary greatly in intensity. It is important for you to allow yourself to feel the grief. Give yourself permission to experience and process the intense emotions even if it seems scary to let go of control. This is a time when you can cry out to God for help. Crying out allows you to empty yourself and invites God to fill you up.

“You have kept count of my tossings, put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?”
Psalm 56:8

“When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all the troubles.”
Psalm 34:17

When you cry out to God for help, you open your heart to receive His comfort. God’s comfort is His presence with you in the midst of your suffering. It empowers you to survive and plants the seed of hope that you will not only survive this deep hurt, but eventually thrive.

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
Psalm 73:26

This is also the time to seek comfort and support from others. It’s easy to feel “stuck” in this stage. Seeking assistance and wisdom from others who are godly and/or who have experienced loss can equip you with great wisdom as you continue with your grieving.

Task #3: Adjusting to Your New Normal

Life will never be the same once you have loved a child and let him or her go. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself periods of rest as you learn how to live life without your precious one. You may need help with daily chores and allowing friends and family to help you in this way blesses you both. You may try adjusting your routine. I spent much of my time in this task praying with God and busying myself with organizing my house. It’s okay to find a brief reprieve from the pain; allow yourself to pursue other goals without feeling guilty.

Task #4: Waiting and Growing

As we work through our grief, we often times find ourselves waiting on God. Waiting is trusting in God’s provision. It requires us to relinquish control of the process ourselves while refusing to give up on His promises.

“He says, ‘Be still and know that I am God.’”
Psalm 46:10a

You may desperately want to move forward, to find the next thing, but we are often tasked with patience during the desert seasons. God will use these periods of stillness to grow your faith and trust in Him. This task can often times be the hardest as it requires you to bend and flex beyond what is natural, but it is where so much growth occurs. Allow yourself time to rest in Him, and He will direct you where to go.

“But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.”
Romans 8:25

“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope”
Romans 5:3-4

Task #5: Using your Life Story for His Purpose

Your sweet child, no matter how brief the life, was created by God for a divine purpose. When you surrender to the biblical grief process, you begin seeing with eyes that have an eternal perspective. God can use your experiences to ignite a deep passion to glorify Him in whatever He calls you to do.

“But for this purpose I have raised you up, to show you my power, so that my name may be proclaimed in all the earth.”
Exodus 9:16

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort, too.”
2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Sweet sister, your grief, however ugly and deep it is at the moment, can be a beautiful thing one day. Remember to allow yourself to truly experience each task. It is completely normal to vacillate between hurting and growing, so don’t become frustrated when you find yourself repeating a task many times. Allow God to work in and through your grief and one day soon you will find that He is creating something remarkable from your ashes. With God’s help, you can live a life His good character ensures will ultimately be far more beautiful that you could have ever planned.

Megan Kelley is married to Jake and the mother to seven babies. Her first child she lost to miscarriage in September of 2009. She then had two children, Hunter (7) and Preston (5). After Preston, she lost her next two to miscarriage in March and August of 2014. A month later, she found out she was pregnant with her son, Thatcher, who was diagnosed with Edwards Syndrome. He went to his heavenly home shortly after he was born on April 17, 2015. She was blessed with her latest addition, Abigail Quinn in July of 2017. She loves painting, gardening, cooking, reading, and playing with her kids at the park.

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