Lies in Grief: I Should Have Prayed With More Faith

Welcome back to our Lies in Grief series. So far, we’ve covered lies about our bodies, our sin, and our blame when it comes to baby loss. This week we will expose lies about prayer and the strength of our faith in baby loss, and explore the comforting biblical truth of God’s greatness.

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Lie: I should have prayed more, I should have had more faith, and my baby would be alive.

Hope Mom, I have no doubt you have at some point begged “God, please save my baby.” Whether that request was uttered once under your breath when you knew the chances weren’t good, or prayed daily alongside others praying with you, the fact that your prayer wasn’t answered can be deeply troubling. When we dig deeper into our confusion around prayer and heartbreaking outcomes, we can usually discern false beliefs we have about faith.

We doubt our own faith and prayers: Did God not hear me? Did I not pray the right way, or enough times? Did I not have enough faith?  

We can’t reconcile other answered prayers in our lives: I have witnessed God answer other people’s prayers—why not mine?

We doubt the Bible: I followed the verses that tell me to pray for good, God-honoring things with faith, in Jesus’ name—and my prayers were still unanswered. Is the Bible not trustworthy?

There are multiple verses in the bible that, when read alone, seem to say that if we pray in the right way we will be given what we ask for (Mt 21:22, Jn 14:13-14, Jn 15:7, and 1 Jn 5:14-15). What’s important to consider about these verses is: 1) prayer within the whole message of the Bible and 2) these passages in their contexts.

Prayer within the Whole Bible
First, the Bible never teaches that prayer with God is transactional. Though we may wish it true, God is not a vending machine—like if we put in just the right currency (the right words, the right amount of faith, etc), we will receive that for which we hope. But, there is no code to break, no formula to learn, nothing to prove to God to show Him how serious you are about your prayers or that you deserve them to be answered.

The Bible does teach, though, that prayer is relational. God asks us to pray because it is good for us to be in constant communication with Him—adoring, trusting, lamenting, rejoicing, thanking, and supplicating. God is always listening, and wants us to pour our hearts out with our deepest desires (Ps 66:19, 62:8). Sometimes He answers in the way we hope. But when He doesn’t, we can trust His plan to always be good and for our good.

Now, let’s examine the verses of Scripture that speak about praying and receiving.

Prayer Passages in Context
Matthew 21:22 “And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”
In the first half of this verse, Jesus spoke about the power of God to overcome seemingly impossible obstacles. While this promise seems like a focal verse to ensure a miracle in our baby’s life, the surrounding context tells us Jesus is specifically referring to obstacles to God’s work. Sometimes His work includes the physical salvation of our babies, and sometimes it doesn’t. (I know that is hard to hear, mama. How could a good God not will that our sweet babies live on earth? These questions make up the mystery of our Christian life; read more about this tension here.)

The second half of the verse about faith does not mean “if you believe hard enough, you’ll get what you ask for.” God’s work doesn’t depend on our hold on him or the strength of our faith; we cannot tip His heart God by reaching a certain level of belief. Faith, instead, is about how strong God is, having confidence in who God is, and depending on Him to carry you through His plans.

John 14:13-14, 15:7 “Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it… If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.”
These verses can often be used as a “name it and claim it” formula—like if we say the right words (“in Jesus’ name”) we will be granted what we wish for. However, the context of these verses speaks to a specific sort of prayer request. Jesus delivers this promise during the Farewell Discourse (John 13–17), when He is preparing His disciples for His arrest, crucifixion, and departure. Knowing they will face grief, confusion, and persecution, He assures them that God will give them the spiritual fruit they need to remain faithful and continue His work.

Mamas, scripture promises that we will have trouble in this world; yet we are not granted a formula to escape it. We are given something better: Immanuel – God with us (Mt 28:20). We can ask for as much strength, endurance, wisdom and joy that we need to experience peace in a broken world and He will provide it.

1 John 15:14-15 “And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him.”
This verse seems to promise that if we ask anything according to His will we will be given it. So, what do we do with this verse when we desired to bear life and raise our children according to God’s ways—isn’t that “according to his will”?

This passage does not teach that every prayer that aligns with a good and righteous desire will be answered exactly as we hope. Rather, it teaches that we can have absolute confidence that 1) God hears and responds to the prayers of His children and 2) His ultimate purposes will prevail (even when we cannot understand them).

Your prayers and desires are not mistaken, Mama. You didn’t fail or get it wrong. God our King has hidden purposes and we are not always given access to what He is doing or why (Deut 29:29). The fact is, prayer is a mystery. But a mystery we need to continue wrestling with, because in it we learn that instead of trying to bend His will to ours, we practice bending our knees to Him. In other words, prayer helps us to surrender control to the One who knows what’s best—that is where true peace is found.

We can still pray for miracles and He can still do them. But at the same time, we rejoice that He has already performed the only miracle we will ever need—the resurrection of Jesus which provides eternal life with Him and reunion with our babies. So, the next time you want to blame an unwanted outcome on your meager faith, remember He doesn’t need your faith to be big and bold. He just wants you to look to Him for all you need.

Wrestling in prayer with you,

Kelly

Kelly is the Ministry Support Lead for Hope Mommies. She and her husband Dan live in Brenham, TX with their two earthside children, Annabelle and Eli (and lots of pets). Their firstborn, William, went to Heaven in July 2017. To balance out the fullness of life, Kelly enjoys gardening, yoga, and sipping on some matcha while reading historical fiction. She considers herself beyond privileged to share the amazing news of Jesus’ Hope to all who need it, and loves that William gets to be a part of that message.