Lies in Grief: I Could Have Prevented My Baby’s Death

Welcome to Part 3 of our Lies in Grief series. So far, we’ve covered lies about our bodies and our sin when it comes to baby loss. This week we will expose lies about our power and control in baby loss, and explore the comforting biblical truth of God’s sovereignty.

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Lie: I Could Have Prevented My Baby’s Death

Hope Moms,

Are you second-guessing every decision you made since the moment you learned you were with child? Are you wondering if there was something you did—or something you didn’t do—that was the cause of your baby’s death?

As we try to figure out what happened and how everything went wrong—incessantly examining every decision we made—our minds are filled with hundreds of questions and statements:

This is my fault, I should have known something was wrong.
I shouldn’t have______.
I should have ______.
Did I eat something wrong?
A good mom would have known things weren’t right sooner.
I should have made a different birth plan or tried a different hospital/doctor/midwife.
I should have taken care of my body differently.
What did I miss?
I shouldn’t have taken my eyes off my baby for one second.
I should have had more faith* (we will cover this thought specifically next week)

Hope Mom, take a moment to write down as many “should have” statements that you have believed about your role in your Hope Baby’s death. Now, observe those thoughts on the paper or screen before you. As you review what you have been holding inside since your baby’s heaven-going, what else comes up for you? Do you notice any shift in your mind, heart or body? These thoughts can become so ingrained into our whole being that when we externalize them with written words, we become aware of the power they have over us.  

Truth: Satan is the Accuser

Before we dive into how God counters these lies, we must first recognize our true enemy, the one who is the source of them (Jn 8:44). Satan is called “the Accuser” and seeks to bring charges against you, lead you to blame yourself for the death of your babies, and make you believe God holds you responsible, too (Zech 3:1, Job 1:9, Rev 12:10).

God cursed Satan for his deception at the dawn of humanity, and will permanently punish him when He comes to reign forever (Gen 3:14-15, Rev 20:10). In the meantime, those who belong to Jesus have been given power to resist our prowling enemy (Jas 4:7, 1 Pet 5:8-9); we are commanded to take up the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God, to fight against his painful, flaming arrows of lies (Eph 6:17).

Let’s explore the different ‘swords’ we can use to fight the lies that tell us we are responsible for our babies’ deaths.

Truth: Absolutely nothing can alter the eternal plans of God 

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. (Ps 139:16) ¹

The Lord of Heaven’s Armies has spoken—who can change his plans? When his hand is raised, who can stop him? (Isa 14:27)

 I know that You can do all things; no purpose of Yours can be thwarted. (Job 42:2)

David, Isaiah, and Job all experienced deep personal, familial and national tragedy. Yet they remained solidly convinced that God’s plans are irrevocable—we can throw our mightiest power at Him, or at something in our lives, and nothing will budge. Therefore, not one detail about our babies’ lives can be altered—He already wrote them down before time began! We can rest knowing there was nothing we could have done (or not done) to change the outcome of their deaths. Blaming yourself and your choices only causes you to heap undue shame on yourself. Your Shepherd calls you to look upward at him, not inward. Mama, you cannot mess up His plans.

Truth: If He had wanted you to know something different, He would have found a way to tell you.

The Lord our God has secrets known to no one. We are not accountable for them, but we and our children are accountable forever for all that he has revealed to us, so that we may obey all the terms of these instructions. (Deut 29:29)

Do you ever worry that you “missed” some sign of your babies’ future death? Like you weren’t paying enough attention to your body’s signals, or you didn’t have an ultrasound at just the right time, or you should have asked for a different type of treatment?

After William passed, we met with the doctors to review his autopsy report. We discovered William had been without sufficient oxygen for at least a few weeks in utero, which led to his fatal organ failure. I left this meeting with even more questions: We did all the extra testing, why didn’t we see this? Why did I not know this was going on?  Later that week I met with a veteran Hope Mom and relayed the autopsy results and my questions.  

My friend gently declared: “If God had wanted you to know, He would have found a way to tell you.”

Friends, you are freed from having to know all things. You are not responsible for what you didn’t know, for what God chose not to tell you. The truth is, the God who holds all things in His hands also loves us passionately. Therefore, God’s reason for His silence is only for Him to know, and God sees that as the best way to love you (Romans 8:28-39).

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Lies about our role in our babies’ death hit us so hard. They can truly paralyze us. Yet after reading these truths, has anything shifted in you? What has the sword of the Spirit done for you? How else can you invite Him in to slay the lies you believe? I encourage you to ask God what else His Word has to say to your specific beliefs, and to help you believe them.

Resting in His sovereignty with you,

Kelly

¹ While this verse alone can be difficult to accept as a Hope Mom, we will consider God’s character and His choices in limiting our babies’ days in a couple of weeks.

Kelly is the Ministry Support Lead for Hope Mommies. She and her husband Dan live in Brenham, TX with their two earthside children, Annabelle and Eli (and lots of pets). Their firstborn, William, went to Heaven in July 2017. To balance out the fullness of life, Kelly enjoys gardening, yoga, and sipping on some matcha while reading historical fiction. She considers herself beyond privileged to share the amazing news of Jesus’ Hope to all who need it, and loves that William gets to be a part of that message.