Tina’s Story

When my husband, Joe, and I got married, we started trying right away to get pregnant. I already had an older daughter, and we wanted to have time as a family with the new baby at home before she left for college in a few years. So we started trying—tracking ovulation, taking temperatures, standing on my head, whatever we thought might work. 

After trying for awhile, we realized something wasn’t right and decided to seek help from a specialist. We went to the amazing doctors at South Jersey Fertility Center, and after months of testing and procedures we had our diagnosis—unexplained secondary infertility, a diagnosis that really isn’t a diagnosis. It basically means they couldn’t find a reason why we couldn’t seem to get pregnant on our own. 

After a long road of fertility treatments, we finally got the news we had been waiting for. On April 13, 2019 we found out we were pregnant, due on Christmas Day! At five weeks, I had an ultrasound and saw our little bean’s strong heartbeat. It was all just so exciting! In July, we found out our little bundle of joy was a girl. I was ecstatic! 

We were so happy to have a healthy baby. All her scans were perfect. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 29 weeks and started to change my diet to control my blood sugar levels. After five weeks of uncontrolled sugars, I was started on insulin. Finally, at my 38-week appointment, the maternal fetal specialist said it would be safer to get Madelynn out, so my c-section was scheduled for two days later. 

On Friday, December 13, 2019, our sweet Madelynn was born at 7:57am weighing 9lbs 8oz and measuring 21½ inches. As soon as she was born, she started having trouble breathing. The neonatologist told us that she wasn’t crying enough and had swallowed some fluid on the way out. They cleaned her up, brought her to me so I could see her, and then sent her to the NICU with her daddy while they finished up my surgery. 

I was a nervous wreck. My husband was anxious too, but he was so strong for both of us and stayed with her, asking questions so he could give me updates. Finally, they brought me up to the NICU to see her. 

There she was, my little rhino, with the CPAP machine helping her breathe. She was so perfect with fat thighs and full head of dark hair. They told us she was going to be okay and promised she would be home by Christmas. Her daddy and I spent the next three days back and forth between my room and hers. I was pumping, and she was getting my milk through an NG tube before I was finally allowed to breastfeed her. It was a moment I had been waiting for since she was born. 

On Sunday night, they told us that unless something huge happened overnight, she could come home on Monday. We were shocked—they had just taken her off oxygen and pulled her IV line, but we were thrilled that we didn’t have to go home without our girl. On Monday, they told us she checked out perfectly. We had the photographer take her hospital pictures, and then we put our baby girl in her pink polka dotted carseat and brought her home. 

Her big sister finally got to hold her for the first time. Her cousins, who were desperately waiting for their turn to meet her, came over. My parents and sisters came too. We took pictures in front of the Christmas tree, and I sat on the couch nursing Madelynn and making up our Christmas cards online so I could get them in the mail before Christmas. Her daddy and I spent some time with her, and then it was bed time. 

We were up with her a few times that night, her daddy jumping right up to soothe her the minute she cried. He gave her a bottle and put her back to sleep. Around 4:30am, she woke up again and I told him that I would just nurse her back to sleep. When she finished eating, I laid her back down and dozed off. When I woke up, I knew something was wrong. I moved her onto our bed and kneeled next to her, unzipping her fleece swaddle so I could see her chest. She wasn’t breathing. 

I immediately did CPR and screamed at my husband to call 911. They came and took her to the hospital, but she was already gone. They did everything they could do, both in the ambulance and in the emergency room, but Madelynn was already with Jesus. Less than 14 hours after being discharged from the NICU, she was gone. 

We spent hours with her in the emergency room, holding her and saying goodbye. I asked the nurse to call a photographer, and that’s where Three Little Birds came in. Desiree willingly walked into the hardest day of my life and took the most beautiful photographs of our baby girl and of our family holding her. They are gut-wrenchingly sad, but they are so important because for many of our family members, they are the only pictures we have of them holding her. We took handprints and footprints and spent as long as we could loving her before they had to take her. I knew that would be the last time I would ever hold her, and I wanted to hold her for as long as I could. 

When it was time to say goodbye, I hugged her tight, wrapped her in a blanket, and handed her to my friend who was going to walk her out. Saying goodbye to Madelynn was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. There is no pain in this world like having your child ripped from your arms, and that pain was only compounded by how difficult it was to conceive her in the first place. 

She was wanted, planned for, and loved more than words could ever express. We will never know why Madelynn was taken from us, not until we meet God ourselves anyway, and that weighed heavily on us. I have always been strong in my faith and trust in God, but when Madelynn died, I was angry at Him.

How could He do this to us? How could He take our baby from us? We didn’t deserve this. We were good people, good parents, good Christians. Why did this happen? 

While we’ll never have the answer to all those questions, at least not here on earth, with time, the pain began to ease. I know that God wept with me; I know He saw my pain. I know that God is good, even when life isn’t fair. And that’s the thing—life isn’t fair. But God is the reason I am able to keep going. God is the One who gives me the strength to get out of bed when the grief is too heavy. My hope in eternity in heaven with God, is the reason I can look forward to the future. 

We cannot prevent all the hardships that we will face in this life. We don’t always know why it seems like God doesn’t intervene when we go through hard times, but God knows all and sees all. He sees the big picture—not just the here and now. He has shown us that what matters is our response to those hard things. 

As we moved forward in our grief, we began collecting books in Madelynn’s honor to donate to local hospitals, NICU’s, and charities. We are also participating in the TEARS Foundation Rock and Walk in October to raise funds for the TEARS Foundation in Madelynn’s honor. It’s only been six months since she went to be with Jesus, and it feels like it was yesterday and a lifetime ago all at the same time. No amount of time with her would have ever felt like enough, but we are incredibly thankful for the four days the Lord allowed us to have with her.

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Tina is mother to Jenna and Madelynn, wife to Joe, and daughter of God. She is a registered nurse who works in a correctional facility. She became a Christian at a young age, and has devoted her life to God since then.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.

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