The Intermingling of Love and Grief

One of my favorite parts of hosting the Hope Mommies Podcast is getting to talk with women whose lives have been shaped by both deep sorrow and deep hope. This month, I had the privilege of sitting down with Jenny Burghardt to talk about her journey through stillbirth, motherhood after loss, and the gentle ways the Lord met her in the hardest places.

Jenny is the author of More Love to Pour Out, a beautiful children’s book that helps families remember and talk about a baby who has died. But before there was a book, there was a mama who deeply loved her daughter, Ruthie, and discovered what it looked like to hold both grief and hope in the same hands.

Today, Jenny is sharing part of that story with us. As you read her words, I hope you’ll be reminded that the love you have for your baby doesn’t disappear simply because your arms are empty. It may change shape, but it never disappears. It overflows into the way we remember, the way we love others, and the way we continue trusting Christ, one day at a time.

What do you do when love has nowhere to go? My story is similar to many of yours. I got married, began a career, waited until the time felt right, smart, planned, and then got pregnant. I had a great pregnancy, the usual gripes, but at all my appointments, all the sonograms, my baby looked good. She was healthy and growing, and I was planning and waiting. Until one day, at 35 weeks, I noticed I wasn’t feeling much movement. It was a weekend, but after brushing it off for a while I went into the hospital just to make sure everything was okay. They did an ultrasound and said, “I’m sorry.” Somehow my baby’s heart had stopped beating and there was nothing they could do. I was induced and had my beautiful daughter Ruthie in the middle of the night. I remember the doctor handing her to me with tears in her eyes and saying, “She’s perfect.”

And she was. We were never able to find out why her heart had stopped. We held her, loved her, kissed her, cried, and then had to give her back, and leave the hospital without our girl. To have a heart full of love and no baby to pour it out on. And that’s when the real work of grieving started. It was a time of wrestling and holding onto the truths we knew. Of asking why. Seeking answers and finding the Lord instead. Of wanting the pain to stop but finding growth in the process.  I begged the Lord for that ‘peace that transcends understanding’ but He really didn’t give me that. He gave me what I needed more. Rather than all-encompassing peace, He gave me just enough for each day. He taught me 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness.” I was so weak, but I had never needed and depended on the Lord more. I also needed the Body of Christ more than ever and they completely held us up during that time.

During that time, I wrestled with the decision to get pregnant again. Since we didn’t know the cause, the doctors said we could try again but that there could be a 10% chance this could happen again. That percentage felt way too high. I begged the Lord, “Haven’t I trusted you enough? Tell me if we get pregnant again this baby will be okay.” I knew He had the power to do that. But instead, He told me to keep trusting. He reminded me He was in control, not me. I came to the realization that the only way I could make it through another pregnancy was if I knew I could continue to trust Him even if I did not get the outcome I wanted. After much prayer and talking with my husband and the Lord I felt confident to say that I would trust the Lord with another pregnancy even if. Even if we lost another baby, I would continue to trust the Lord, and He would continue to care for me. He had proven faithful by gently leading me through each day, and I knew He was calling me to continued trust.

By the grace of God and prayers of many, my son, Jones, was born 3 days before Ruthie’s first Heavenly birthday. That was the hardest year of my life. During my pregnancy with him I knew that sharing his sister’s story with him would be so important to the healing of our whole family. So, I wrote him a simple book. I put words to the very real experience of Ruthie’s life, that bigger than the pain of her loss was the love that her life had brought into the world. Sharing that she was now with the Lord in Heaven and that we would all be there together one day. I wanted Jones to always know that he had a sister. And I wanted him to always know that we are not alone in our loss. Our Heavenly Father knows the pain of loss, of watching his own Son die on a cross. God is not a stranger to grief; his own son was known as “A Man of Sorrows”. Therefore, we are part of the story when we are called to suffering, to know a deeper love, to wait in patient expectation for the day when “He will wipe every tear from our eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.” (Rev 21:3)

There is mystery to it. That somehow, this thing that hurts the most in our lives is being used for our eternal glory (2 Corinthians 4:17), to make us more like Jesus, and to give us greater hope. But I know I can say in my life and the life of my family that the Lord has used this for good. Out of great pain comes deeper love. My two living children speak of their big sister often. We dream of Heaven together, and we know she is with God, and God is with us too! My hope and my prayer for you, Mama, is that you keep trusting. Keep loving. That you will love others deeper because you have experienced these depths of the intermingling of grief and love. And if you need words to tell your story to your other children I would invite you read the simple truths of the children’s book I wrote, More Love to Pour Out, to insert your child’s name into the narrative and remind yourself and your living children that “the way we remember the gift of a life, is more love to pour out all over the place.”

🩷Jenny Burghardt

I’d love for you to listen to my conversation with Jenny on the Hope Mommies Podcast, where she shares more about Ruthie, trusting God after stillbirth, and how More Love to Pour Out came to be.

Listen to Episode 71 through our website or wherever you stream podcasts.