Jenny’s Story

I’ll never forget holding up the stick with two pink lines on it as I watched my husband take the Christmas tree off the top of the car. In an instant, our world changed and we couldn’t be happier.  Our precious little one we had waited for, hoped for, and prayed for was on the way. My pregnancy was hard, but progressed like we expected it to. Our doctor guessed we were having a girl and I’ll never forget hearing her daddy mutter “pink?!” as we walked out of the doctor’s office.  Weeks later it was confirmed and we were head over heels in love with our daughter. Our hearts and lives were filled with so much hope for our future and for her future. We began preparing our hearts and home to welcome our sweet little pink bundle. My Pinterest boards were filled with nursery designs, pretty little headbands, and coming home outfits.  It was so much fun to plan for and dream for our family of three.  Standing in my closet, hanging up laundry, I decided on her name. In my heart I knew if something were to ever happen to this little girl, there could be no other Ella in my life. The Lord was at work in my heart before I ever knew I needed Him. He was stretching my trust, growing my faith, whispering His plan for my life with me seemingly unaware of His voice. God was going before me. He was with me and would be by my side through it all.

The day before my last baby shower, I hung the last frame on the wall of her nursery. It was complete and perfect. All that was lacking was a sweet bundle lying tiny in the crib. As I sat down to lunch with my mom and sister-in-law, fear washed over my heart and a scene played out in my mind. I saw us sitting in the doctor’s office in just a few short hours and I heard the doctor say, “I’m sorry. Your baby has no heartbeat,” just as they told my mom 31 years earlier. My stomach dropped and I pushed the thought out of my mind, telling myself that I was just projecting her experience onto my own life. I put a smile on my face and finished lunch. He was preparing the way.

We left for the doctor’s office to meet my husband for our last sonogram, so full of hope and joy. My mom was going to join us for the scan and she would get to see her only granddaughter for the first time.  As I sat in the room with my mom and husband, I could feel our nerves. It was so quiet. My heart knew something wasn’t right, but my mind wouldn’t allow the thoughts to pass through.  The nurse went to get the doctor and we all held our breath. I know the Lord was there, but I don’t remember feeling much at that moment. I just held my breath and waited. In as quick of a moment as our hopes began, they were crushed with three words:  “I’m so sorry.” Our hope was gone, our hearts completely broken. My mom wept, watching her daughter walk down a path that she had gone down so many years before, now grieving for her child and her grandchild. The Lord had gone before us, preparing the way.

Somehow, we made it home and then decided to have Ella the next day.  We asked for one more sonogram before they induced labor, clinging to the tiniest thread of hope that they were wrong the day before.  In a single moment, that thread slipped from our fingers.  Her still profile on that screen was the most beautiful and devastating picture that will forever be in my heart. There she was perfect but broken. In that moment, I felt as though my own heart would stop.  Hours later, our tiny baby girl was born and placed on my chest and I have never been the same.

Leaving the hospital with nothing but a box of mementos in my arms, I felt unbelievably empty and hopeless. Countless family and friends prayed and cared for us. I’ve never felt so humbled by the love of other people. God’s peace surrounded us in the midst of our tears and shattered hearts.  Four days after Ella’s birthday, I highlighted Psalm 126:5-6 in my Bible.

“Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.”

I wrote, “I believe in a God who keeps His promises.” I still believe it. He had gone before me, preparing my heart for this tragedy and weaving Himself into my soul and story. Hope began to shine its light into our circumstances and the Lord gave us a new Hope in Him, and hope for our family.

Just before Ella’s first birthday, we welcomed our second child into this world. He has brought so much joy into our lives. We knew that the Lord hadn’t promised us any children in our home, but we were blessed by the gift of our son. While our family picture was missing one, we began to have hope again for the family we had once dreamed of—a home filled with laughter and love and little feet running around. Just before our second Christmas without Ella, God stirred our hearts to grow our family through fostering and adoption. Month went on and I struggled with letting go of my plans for our family. I could feel God calling to me to give Him my full trust. For years I had been giving Him control over the things I wanted Him to control and I’d clung tightly to the things that were most important to me. He called me deeper into the water and asked me to trust that He would save me. I had no idea He was going before me, yet again, preparing the way.

26 months and 10 days after our daughter was born into the arms of Jesus, He called us to trust Him even more deeply. We learned that from complications after my son, that I am unable to carry another child. Never again will I get to surprise my husband with those two little pink lines and never again will we wait in expectation and hope for 9 months. I cling to David’s words in Psalm 57:2 “I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me.” While I don’t fully know what it is, God has a purpose for me and He is faithful to carry that out until it is finished. He is sovereign over every detail of my life, and I will trust in Him that the circumstances of my life are for His ultimate glory and for my good. So for now, while I grieve my daughter and my future children I will never meet, I cling to the Hope I have in Christ. He has created a new hope for our family; one that I pray honors and points others to the beauty of His sacrifice for us.

– Jenny

Hope Mom to Ella Grace

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog! Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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