Sara’s Story

I have desired to share my story for a while now, but truth be told, I have also been very hesitant because I feel like my story may be too hard for even some loss mothers to bare. Rather than leaving it to my own judgement, I want to choose to let the Lord do with my story as He pleases. Ultimately, my story, our stories, are not our own. They are His to do as He pleases with them.

My pregnancy with Katherine was my third. It was also my happiest pregnancy. I had more joy being pregnant with my daughter than I had experienced with my first two children. Maybe, it was because I was a seasoned mom and had confidence that I could take care of a third child with ease. Maybe, it was because I had gotten a three-year break between pregnancies and felt ready. Mostly, I think it was because I had truly gotten to a place where I was content and at peace with my life. I had learned to take the bad days with the good, and I had learned to be thankful for the little things. During this time, I also felt the strongest in my relationship with the Lord than I had in my entire life. My pregnancy with Katherine turned my heart and prayers to God in a strong way. I desired to glorify Him more and more throughout the entire pregnancy. I deeply cherished my prayer time with him; as well as how He was challenging me to continue to grow and change as a mother. I truly had more joy than I knew what to do with. I told my husband that our daughter’s middle name needed to be Joy so that I would always remember the season of the greatest joy in my life.

As my pregnancy went on, I researched more and more about VBAC’s (vaginal birth after caesarean). I prayerfully considered it, and then I decided that what all the research was pointing to was best for my baby girl. Unfortunately, I ended up being the rare 1 in 200 women that would suffer a uterine rupture. Even more rare, I would be the 1 in 300 uterine ruptures that would result in my baby’s death. It is hard to describe exactly what a uterine rupture feels like. I suppose it is a mixture of being completely free of anesthesia for a C-section and someone lighting your internal organs on fire all at once. It is hard to describe the events of the night we lost Katherine, but I can say that it truly is because of the Lord that I survived. According to the surgeon that operated on me, I was touch and go during the surgery as well. Had my uterus torn on either side by even a half a centimeter more, I would have bled out.

I intensely remember after they had told us Katherine was gone and they were whisking me back for surgery, panic had set in my heart. Katherine had died, and I was dying too. My thoughts immediately turned to that of my husband and my two oldest children. I didn’t want to die, but I also couldn’t really take the pain any longer. As I began to hyperventilate, a still small voice whispered to me: You’ll get to see Jesus. You’ll be with Jesus. Then, what set into my heart and body was the greatest peace I have ever felt in my entire life. A peace that I am not sure I’ll experience again until I really do get to meet Jesus.

I was surprised to awake to nurses and my husband. I really had hoped I would have met Jesus instead of having to face the heartache of suffering as a living parent to a child that was in heaven without me.

What followed after the hospital stay and funeral of my Katherine Joy, was a cycle of guilt, doubt, despair, hopelessness, and shame. I had people fully blame me for my daughter’s death. There were other people that either completely ignored my broken heart, or they didn’t know what to do with it so they just stayed away. I like to believe the later of those two is true, but that doesn’t mean it hurt any less.

During that entire time of darkness, I kept trying to fight for joy. I kept trying to live and be fully present for my family. I kept trying to do what I felt was good and right such as going to church, attending bible studies, and ministering to others, but my heart still felt empty. I knew that there was an aspect of my relationship with the Lord that had changed.  A part of me that just couldn’t grasp why God would allow such trauma to unfold in my life. As I continued to try to seek him, I also found that my greatest source of comfort, His Word, became one of my greatest battlefields. At the time, it was not a place of refuge and hope. His Word became a place where the enemy would constantly try to twist the Word to make my heart grow hard against the Lord. It grew hard. My heart grew hard, and my mind became more lost in the trauma. I came very close to committing suicide because I longed to feel the peace I had felt before surgery in the hospital again. It wasn’t until I got diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, depression, and placed on some medication that I could begin to process all that I had physically, emotionally, and spiritually gone through.

Here is where the hope in my story unfolds. Although I could not see Him in the darkness, the Lord was always there guiding me to keep holding on. The Holy Spirit was always whispering to me to keep trusting that He is who He says He is. God was always reaching out and urging me to not give up. While I may have given up on myself, and I felt the world may have turned its back on me, He had not.  His spirit always told me that I didn’t have to stay where I was in the darkness. There was more help available to me earth side, but I had to be brave and reach out to it as well. So, I sought a psychiatrist at the advice of my therapist, and I got on some medication that really has aided my brain to process the trauma it has experienced in my 34 years of life. I also sought out new support with a different church family than the one I had when I had lost Katherine. I began more intensive therapy to specifically deal with the physical trauma I endured when I lost Katherine.  I initiated a one-on-one discipleship study with a close friend, and God’s word has become a source of hope, encouragement, and comfort again. That doesn’t mean the battle doesn’t still take place from time to time, but what it does mean is that when the enemy tries to twist God’s Word into something it was never supposed to mean, I can turn to the Lord in my doubt and confusion. I am able to ask for clarification and for His truth to overcome the enemy in my heart and mind. His Word does not leave me empty and hopeless.

I think the two verses that have comforted me the most in the 3yrs I have been a Hope Mommy are Job 14:5 and 2 Corinthians 1:3-5.

 “Since his days are determined, and the number of his months is with You, and You have appointed his limits that he cannot pass,”
Job 14:5

This verse reminds me that God was always in control over Katherine’s life. The guilt I have over my daughter’s death is a misplaced guilt. This verse reminds me that there is no way I knew or could have known that the decisions of the day that Katherine was born would have led to, and what those exact same decisions for someone else would have led to. Ultimately, God alone knew the number of her days and there was nothing I could have done to give her more.  I am not God, I do not determine a person’s days, and I did not determine Katherine’s. How incredibly freeing that statement is, and how incredibly wonderful it is for me to know that guilt is not something I have to feel over my daughter’s death. If you are struggling with guilt over your miscarriage, still birth, or infant’s death, I challenge you to offer it up as a sacrifice to the Lord. You were made to live free in Him.

 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, Who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.”
2 Corinthians 1:3-5

If there is any purpose in my suffering, it is so that I can comfort others with the same comfort the Lord has given to me. I have a decision to make, I can be used as a source of comfort to others who have been in similar dark places or I can choose to stay hidden. I do not believe that my pain is useless. I believe that God’s glory is revealed through my suffering. It’s not the suffering itself that is good, but because God shows how great, merciful, loving, and kind He is when He is able to produce good things out of something intended by the enemy to only be used for evil. Being able to comfort others who have been in similar darkness as I have is one of those good things, and that is glorious and holy.

While my story of hope is full of brokenness and darkness, I believe that God is going to continue to show Himself good, holy, and wonderful. I am going to believe that what the enemy only intended to use for evil, God will use for good. I am hopeful that He will use me, and that He will use my Katherine’s life to show his faithfulness.

I am a wife and a mother to 4 children. My oldest is 8 and teaches me about grace every day. My 7 year old is full of adventure and teaches me how to be a more loving and patient momma. My would be 3 year old lives in heaven with Jesus and teaches me that life is a gift and meant to be lived fully everyday. My 1 year old is our redeeming blessing and reminds us that God remembers and cares for us.

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We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.

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