Rachel’s Story

I remember well the night we found out we were pregnant with our second baby. It was July 2, 2011. I took three pregnancy tests that had such a faint pink line that I finally went out and bought one of the ones that said “pregnant” or “not pregnant” because I had to be sure. To say we were excited was probably a bit of an understatement.

Our oldest had just turned one a little over a month before. We loved our little family of three, but couldn’t wait to give Ian the gift of a sibling. I was thrilled at the idea of hearing the sounds of multiple children in my home. The thought of it made me giddy. We told our families and close friends right away that we were expecting again. Ian received a few big brother gifts. He was still too small to really comprehend what being a big brother meant, but I was reveling in the idea of his new role.

I went in for my routine 12-week appointment. I didn’t suspect a thing. I was feeling pretty well and had no signs that something might be wrong with my baby. The nurse came in with the doppler and was unable to find a heartbeat. She assured me that with only being 12 weeks along, it wasn’t uncommon for the doppler to have trouble picking up the heartbeat. I was sent in for an ultrasound to help find baby.

I was actually kind of excited to get a look. In the ultrasound room, they tried three different times to find our baby’s heartbeat. The tech was still trying to reassure me, and honestly, I was still trying so hard to have hope, but I sort of felt like something was caving in around me.

I was sent downstairs to radiology where they had the top of the line equipment. It was there it was confirmed to me that I would never get to hold my baby earth side. I was just in a stupor. I had to go back upstairs to talk to my doctor. I sat in the waiting room and it took everything I had in me not to become a weeping mess in front of a room full of expectant mothers, of which I was no longer one. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone.

Ryan came to get me and drove me home from the hospital. I don’t remember much very vividly. I sent family a message saying we had lost the baby. I didn’t want phone calls. I didn’t want to talk about it. I know I cried a lot. I laid in my bed almost all day. I held my 1 year old and cried into the crown of his sweet head. I felt lost and helpless.

I do clearly remember having a sense that our baby needed a name. I know I thought it was an odd thought since we knew so little about our baby. We didn’t even know a gender. For all that we didn’t know though, we knew that this baby was part of our family; part of our story. Maybe we didn’t have a gender pronoun to use, but this baby would have a name. She would be known. (We had thoughts that maybe our baby was a girl, so that is the pronoun we’ve chosen to use).

We named our baby Adaiah. It means “God’s precious jewel.” Her name was a gift from God to us. I was searching name lists. It had to be something with special meaning and would somehow be a reflection of her brief but precious life. Ryan and I had the assurance that Adaiah was now with Jesus; that she was a jewel meant for Him. We also loved that the name was appropriate for either boy or girl, which just seemed important to me. Maybe it’s funny the little things we care about, but God sees us and answers those little cares just the same. It was just a perfect name and I was incredibly thankful.

Just a few days after we found out Adaiah was gone from us, I told Ian about her as I rocked him to sleep. I choked my way through that story the first time. But I told him that he was still a big brother. I told him that Jesus was taking care of our Adaiah and that He loved her so much. She would never know pain or disappointment. She was perfect and an adorning jewel in the heavenlies. Most importantly, I let him know that we were going to see her again one day.

My boy was too young at that time to understand anything of Adaiah’s story. However, the conversation was started, and I’m so glad I let myself talk about her. I battled the idea that I didn’t really have a story to tell. I was only pregnant for such a short time. What was there that would be beneficial in telling my story? Oh, but that God would be glorified.

I had a glorious hope to share with my son and with others that there is a loving God who cares for us. He cares for our unborn babies. He cares for us who are broken hearted and lost. We have a story to share so that when others walk the same path, they will know they are not alone. I believe that Satan most easily defeats us when we feel isolated and that no one could possibly understand.

Sharing my story has allowed me both to come alongside others who have experienced loss, but also to realize how many others walked this road with me. I was greatly encouraged in the early days after my miscarriage by the amount of women who said in one way or another, “Me too.” Since losing Adaiah, the Lord has been gracious to us and has given us two more wonderful children.

Our Ashlyn is a spitfire of a little girl who I suspect will be quite unabashed in whatever she is passionate about. I pray regularly that Jesus grabs her heart early and tightly. She will do great things. Eli is not quite a year, but he is such a happy guy. I pray that the joy of the Lord will always be the strength of his heart.

As for all three of our living children, they know about their sister in heaven. She is regularly part of conversation. Ian often says how he wishes he was in heaven so he could meet Adaiah. And he never lets us forget that we are, in fact, a family of six. Though it came with hurt, I am grateful that Adaiah is part of our story, and that God has given us the grace to tell it.

I pray that you, dear Hope Mommy, would find the way to tell your story. I pray that you find healing through the telling of what God has done for your little one(s) and for you. I pray that as you give hope to others, that it will be multiplied to you. All thanks be to God. 

Rachel Klein is a stay at home wife and mom from southeast Iowa. She and her husband Ryan have three kids at home and one in heaven. She enjoys reading, being outdoors, and relaxing with a good cup of tea. Most of all, she wants to be a wife of noble character and a mom who raises kids who love Jesus more than anything this world could offer.

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