Discussions in Grief: Entitlement

Grieving involves new emotions and considerations often too many to numbers. When you find yourself in overwhelming grief, you likely feel buried and lost. In this series, we slowly and compassionately look at one aspect of grief at a time from a biblical perspective for the newly grieving mother. Click {here} to read past posts in this series. 

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The worst thing imaginable has happened. You have lost your baby. You have suffered greatly and experienced more pain than most everyone you know. You have hit rock bottom, and the only solace is knowing that things can only go up from here.

That’s how I felt after losing my daughter, Kinley. And things did go up for a while. But then they’d go back down—ups and downs because that’s the way life is. But I was no longer ok with that. I had lost my child, and I felt entitled to no more pain, no more disappointments. I felt God owed me because of what He’d taken from me. Anger and distrust warped my view of my heavenly Father and affected my relationships and every life event that came my way.

One such event was my pregnancy with our next child, Levi. I was overjoyed when I found out I was expecting. I had left the hospital with empty arms, but I felt certain this baby would ease my ache for Kinley. God would give me this baby to make up for the pain I had endured. Everything was going well until an ultrasound showed a spot on Levi’s heart. This spot would not affect his heart at all, but it was a possible marker for Downs Syndrome. Then, a month later, a second ultrasound showed that one of Levi’s kidneys was measuring large, another marker for Downs. Also, if the kidney continued to measure large, it could mean surgery shortly after his birth. We would have to wait seven weeks to check the kidney again to know about surgery, and we would have to wait until his birth to know if Levi would have Downs Syndrome.

At this point, I was very discouraged and angry. Could God really be allowing me to go through more? Hadn’t I suffered enough? After everything I went through with Kinley, I wanted a free pass. I felt like I had paid my dues. Why couldn’t this pregnancy just be simple, normal?

God’s answer came in the form of my favorite verse, John 16:33. This has been my favorite verse since 9th grade, but means so much more to me now:

“I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

This trouble isn’t a one time occurrence. It’s not like, “Oh, I had my trouble, so I’m good to go for the rest of my life.” This may be obvious to you, but it was a new revelation to me. I’m not entitled to an easy life. Jesus promised that life is going to be hard. But take heart, here’s the best part: He has overcome the world! These trials are temporary, and our home with Him is eternal.

As I let go of my anger and feelings of entitlement, my view of God became clear again. God is in the process as much as He’s in the product. If we only had the ups and not the downs, we wouldn’t realize our desperate need for Him. I finally understood that this new baby was not what would heal my heart. Only God could do that. No matter the outcome, with Levi or any other problems I would face, I was reassured that God would be with me and provide for my family and me.

Levi was born just over a year after losing Kinley. His kidney was completely normal, and he did not have Downs Syndrome. Praise be to God.

My next pregnancy, I miscarried. Ups and downs. But this time I clung to my God instead of my anger. He was in the process. A year later, we left the hospital with a healthy baby girl. Ups and downs. But God remains the same.

I wish I could tell you that I have never struggled with entitlement again, but that’s not the case. There have been times when I still feel owed this or that. Just the other day, I came across a verse in Isaiah:

“Yet what is due me is in the Lord’s hand, and my reward is with my God.”
Isaiah 49:4b (NIV)

When first reading this, I thought it said, “what is due me is the Lord’s hand.” And isn’t that what we think sometimes? God owes me His intervention. I am due God’s hand in this situation. But that “in” is a very important word. Everything we have is from God. What is “due us” rests in His hand. We should never forget the source of our provision and of our very existence.

The second half of the verse is equally important. It reminds us that our ultimate reward is with God. We may never receive what we feel due on earth. However, we will be rewarded in heaven for our service to God. Our ultimate reward, though, is the gift of our salvation. We didn’t earn it. We don’t deserve it. But through faith in Jesus Christ, our eternity has been sealed with Him. This reward supersedes everything.

Two years ago, I had the pleasure of getting to know a Hope Mom who lived her life full of gratitude for the gift of her salvation. Her name is Becky Mahaffy, and she was in my Hope Group. Becky was such an encouragement to me during my time leading this group. She would ask how she could pray for me and follow up with me on my prayer requests. Becky had such a sweet spirit that exuded God’s love.

During the course of our Bible study, Becky shared with our group that she had been struggling with health problems since losing her precious Adaline. At our last meeting, Becky told us that tests had revealed she had cancer. Through all of this, Becky chose joy over feelings of entitlement. She used her illness to point others to Christ instead of falling victim to self pity. Becky had suffered the loss of her daughter and was now battling cancer, yet her faith never wavered.

Six weeks ago, Becky was called Home.

I was deeply saddened and questioned how God could allow a family to experience so much heartache. But then I started reading some of the Facebook posts on Becky’s wall. Her mom posted this:

“[Becky] told me the day before she left us that she had been having visions of her running with a little girl. Becky is where we want to be, that is truth… God tells us ‘no eye has seen or ear has heard what I have in store for you in glory’. He has prepared a place for her, and she’s enjoying it right now as I speak… I have no doubt that He said well done my girl, well done. She ran the race hard; she leaned into God hard.”

A close friend of Becky’s posted this:

“Becky faced the hardest things this broken world can bring. But she ALWAYS pointed to her Savior and clung to His promises and knew that not cancer, not even death, could separate her from the love of God that is in Jesus, her Lord.”

This is the life I want to lead. This is the legacy I want to leave. Becky lived the truth of John 16:33. She knew that trouble in this world was inevitable. But because God had overcome everything she would ever face, Becky trusted Him in the good times and in the bad. It was never about what she felt she deserved, but about Whose she was. Becky shifted the focus from herself to Christ, and in doing so gained joy and victory.

Ups and downs. There will be both. But our attitude is the one thing we can determine. What will you choose today? Entitlement or gratitude? Anger or joy? God, help us live lives that point others to You.

“His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’”
Matthew 25:23 (NIV)

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Stephanie Blanks is married to Matt and has four children: Lyston (9), Kinley (who went home to Jesus in 2011), Levi (6), and Leighton (4). Stephanie works at the Chamber of Commerce in her small town of Hondo, TX. She enjoys singing in her church praise band, running, reading, and spending time with her family at the lake. You can read more from Stephanie on her blog.

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