Encourage One Another: Her Story

“Put courage in.”

That’s what the word “encourage” means. In my story, courage to face the lonely days, the quiet nursery, the empty womb, the unfilled baby book, the days and days that stretched ahead that mocked me with their childlessness — courage was one of the many things I needed.

Like all grievers, I had days when I felt completely unable to function, let alone face the day with courage and hope. That is where my incredible husband Blair was such a powerful force of God’s healing work in my grieving heart.

Gwendolyn Hope was born via emergency cesarean in October of 2010, and died 36 hours later as one by one her body systems and organs shut down from a lack of oxygen during labor. She was beautiful and perfect, and our first child. We had laughed, prepared, prayed, and waited for our little one, and the start of what we dreamt our family would be. She was our dream.

And then she was gone, and Blair and I came home empty and in shock. I would lay awake at night with my hand resting on Blair’s chest, feeling his beating heart and counting breaths, worried that he would slip away too. “Each heart knows is own bitterness, and no one else can fully share its joy” (Proverbs 14:10) is true, even in marriage, since you are both still individual people with separate ways of processing and feeling.

But thankfully, in a christian marriage by the enablement of God’s spirit, this gap lessens. Blair knew my ache better than anyone and was the most qualified to ‘put courage into me’ when necessary, and did this in countless ways. In the first week without Gwenny, Blair would get up and make me tea, encourage me to rise when I longed to stay in bed and sleep my life away. We would walk together down to the river by our house to watch the morning light demonstrate the faithfulness of God; It rose, again, every morning, just as God had always created it to do. It wasn’t changing, just as God and His mercy would never change and would always rise.

One particularly bad day a few months after she went Home, I was in the big city a few hours away. I desperately longed for an escape. I couldn’t keep going, carrying this heaviness of missing my little girl. I called Blair and said, “Honey, I love you. But I’m going to drive. And I’ll let you know where I stop, and when I’ll come home.”

Going home was too laden with emptiness, and I wanted to run away from it all. Rather than anger, frustration, or discrediting my fears, Blair steadily and lovingly encouraged me to come home. I couldn’t leave him too—I think that was what brought me home.

When I pulled up, I found a note on the porch that read, “You are safe here.” I walked in the door—on the counter, table, couch, and shelves were notes, “You are safe here.” In our bed and our daughters crib, “You are safe here.”

It was the most tender and patient demonstration of his love to me during that season of darkness. I was safe. I didn’t have to run away; our home could be a refuge. I didn’t need to escape; our marriage could weather even this. In the ache, I could still find safety.

Now I could be wrong about this, but if I had called anyone else, I think my friends and family would’ve done anything they could to help me feel better and would’ve encouraged my crazy road-trip urge. But only my husband, the only human who knows my heart in all its strengths and weaknesses, knew that if I had kept driving, it would’ve been a roadblock to my healing, not a help.

I needed to embrace the emptiness and allow God to meet me in it. I needed to learn the dailyness of grief, grow the muscles to carry the burden, and keep moving forward. Husbands, you have the profound honor of loving and encouraging your wife in a way that no one else can.  Blair didn’t know then how deeply the message “You are safe here” resonated with me, or how it changed my grief. But it was his loving way of putting courage in to me that made all the difference.

Erin Cushman is the founder of Hope Mommies. She is married to Blair and has five children: Gwendolyn, who has been with Jesus since October 20, 2010, Malacai, Gemma, Baby C, who is also with Jesus, and Savannah. She loves photography, gardening, cooking, reading, playing with her children, and especially loves when all those things combine.

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