Nicole’s Story

My husband and I first started dating when we were 15, always knowing that we both wanted a family. After we were married in our late 20s, it was only about 6 months before we decided that we would like to start a family. We were blessed with a baby girl in 2011 and a baby boy in 2013. Back then, having our babies was seemed so easy. We had no complications with either pregnancy and felt so fortunate to have these two healthy babies.

We both come from families of 3 and felt strongly that our family was not complete. In 2015 we started trying for our third and assumed it would come easily as it had before. However, this time was different. We tried for several months. Finally we were so happy to see a positive pregnancy test in early 2016. We planned for and imagined our life with a new baby, and after an ultrasound at 9 weeks in which the baby looked healthy and was growing well, we announced our news to our family. “Tiebreaker coming in October 2016!” At 11 weeks pregnant, however, I started to feel cramping and called the doctor, who scheduled an ultrasound. At the start of the ultrasound, I immediately knew that we had lost our baby—who was completely still and had no heartbeat. It was very difficult and sad, and we later found out through testing that the baby had been a boy.

Later in the year we found out that we were pregnant again. I was cautiously excited, holding my breath until our second trimester when I felt more confident that this pregnancy would end with a baby in our arms. It was so exciting to find out that my brother and his wife were expecting their first baby only a few weeks after ours, and we dreamed about the fun that cousins so close in age would have together. We scheduled a fun 3-D ultrasound to find out the baby’s gender, bringing our two children so they could join in the excitement.  We found out we were having a girl, which my daughter had so hoped for!   Our little baby was so perfect—sucking her thumb, rolling over, and doing all of the things that a growing baby should. We confidently announced our pregnancy to everyone and started to buy baby things.

My husband and I both walked into our week 20 anatomy appointment completely confident and without a worry. But right away I noticed it was so quiet; I could not hear a heartbeat. As the ultrasound tech went through each part of the anatomy and it seemed so perfect, I figured the sound must be turned down. Why would she go through the anatomy scan if something was wrong? It was only at the very end that she looked at us and said “I’m so sorry but there is no heartbeat.” I was so shocked that it was hard to take in. So much changed in only a few hours. In less than 24 hours, we went from talking about where the crib would go, to talking about autopsies and funeral homes.

Our baby Lucy was delivered the next morning. Being on the labor and delivery floor and hearing babies crying all around us felt so wrong. I had no idea what to expect and at first thought I wouldn’t even want to see her after she was born. But in the end, she was our baby no matter what, and we were able to hold her and take a few photos. She was tiny, yet perfect. Looking back, I wish that we had planned more for those moments in the hospital. Perhaps picked up a blanket for her, or something else that we could keep. In the moment, I was so angry and upset that I couldn’t make those kind of decisions.  I’m grateful the hospital took her footprints and gave her some tiny clothes. One of the best gifts that I received from a friend was a blanket with her name on it—something for us to hold onto when we needed the comfort.

It has only been a month since we both met and lost Lucy. There are some days when I feel okay—positive about the future and focused on my two children who are so active and busy. But there are other days when the weight seems so heavy that I struggle to get through the day. All around me, friends are having babies and announcing pregnancies. My 3-year-old talks about the baby a lot. He asks why she died and tell us that he really didn’t want her to die.

I think many people feel that since we have two healthy children, the loss of our baby boy and baby girl should not be so sharp. I can’t help but think about where we should be in our pregnancy, that we would be only a few weeks away from Lucy’s due date, and that all of it makes no sense. We opted for all of the testing possible, even choosing to pay out of pocket for what insurance doesn’t cover, because we wanted an answer so badly. But all of the answers were the same—everything was normal, Lucy was growing perfectly normal, and they have no idea what happened.

I am reminded often that we have joined a “tribe” of parents that no one wants to be part of, but that can understand what we are going through in ways that others cannot. Just yesterday I was at the dentist and learned that the hygienist had lost a baby at 38 weeks and just recently welcomed a healthy newborn. I will never understand why this has happened, and will never stop wondering who our babies would have been.

However, I do know that our God is a God of comebacks—from our perspective. I am reminded that the greatest comeback of all was Jesus’ conquering of sin and death. I don’t believe that God took our baby because He wanted another angel (as many people say when they don’t know what else to say). And although I don’t know what is in our future or have a happy earthly ending to this story, I do believe that that God can take a terrible situation and work it for our good. We are getting used to our new normal, and finally putting up maternity clothes and baby things that we had bought. Perhaps we will get them out again one day, but only God knows. For now, we are thankful for the support and friendship of others who understand and who are also part of this tribe that seems so unfair and hard to understand.

– Nicole

Hope Mom to Michael and Lucy

Mother of a 5 year old, 3 year old, and two babies in heaven.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog! Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here: