Testimony Tuesday {Katie’s Retreat Experience}

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I had just survived the first year without our deeply longed for son and I felt ready to connect with other moms who, like myself, had faced unthinkable tragedy and yet still chose to trust in our Lord and Savior. I wanted to hear from mothers who were further down the road of grief than I was, hoping they would reassure me that the incapacitating weight I’d been carrying would somehow lighten over time. I knew that the burden of living the rest of my earthly life without my son would never go away, but I needed to see in the flesh, these moms who had survived what felt impossible to me. I’d been in a deep cave of darkness for over a year and felt blinded at the idea of finding joy again, of trusting fully in His goodness, of surrendering to this plan that I couldn’t fathom as being good. I internally dared anyone to explain Jeremiah 29:11 to me (“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”) in the context of the death of a life yet lived. I didn’t know how to reconcile the earthly loss of a hope and a future for my sweet boy as part of a plan working for my good.

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I knew that the burden of living the rest of my earthly life without my son would never go away, but I needed to see in the flesh, these moms who had survived what felt impossible to me.

– Katie, Hope Mom to Emmanuel Thomas

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At the retreat, I immediately felt accepted and understood. I didn’t have to cringe each time I shared my story with another mom for fear that they would minimize my pain or say something hurtful. It was heartbreaking to hear story upon story of devastating grief and loss from the mothers I met at the retreat, and yet I’ve never been in the presence of so many women who had such a deep longing and need for Jesus. It was broken and it was beautiful. I experienced the blessing firsthand of “…those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). We were all holding on to the same thread of hope and it was so encouraging to hear all of the ways in which the Lord had sustained each momma. Over and over again, I was reminded of how the Lord meets us in our suffering, echoing the Bible stories I’d known most of my life, of how He doesn’t necessarily remove these “thorns in the flesh,” but uses it all to make us more beautiful to Him. I wanted to be rescued from this pain, from this “devastating outcome” as it had been referred to by one of my physicians. But the Rescuer came not to save me from earthly heartache, but from eternal suffering. His plans that are too mysterious for us to comprehend are truly and wonderfully for our good; the Word tells us so. A song from my childhood keeps echoing in my heart, “Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. The Bible tells me so.”

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We were all holding on to the same thread of hope and it was so encouraging to hear all of the ways in which the Lord had sustained each momma.

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As I stood in the midst of these heartbroken mothers, each aching to hold babies gone too soon, I was awestruck to hear voices lifted in praise to the One who gives and takes away. Singing at the retreat, listening to a room full of mothers whose tears could fill an ocean and instead of being overcome at the profound sadness of all that had been lost, I was overcome by the beauty of choosing to worship in spite of it all, maybe even because of it all. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).  It was as if a tiny window into Heaven had opened and we were all standing before the throne singing “worthy is the Lamb, who was slain.” I felt covered by the Lord’s presence each day, each vulnerable moment of sharing and comforting another hurting heart, each offering up of the Word which points us back to the truth and redemption of eternity.

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This world is not my home. It is not your home dear, hurting, Hope Mommy. The promises of Scripture are true and they will sustain you and me in the storms of this life. At many points in my grief journey, I’ve felt that I was drowning in my own tears and that I would never, ever learn how to walk in these dreadful shoes I’d been given. But the same Lord who saw my unformed body, watched my sweet boy take his last breath in my womb, and never stopped loving me or having plans for my good is still in control. The Creator is the Comforter, is the Rescuer, is the Sustainer. I was reminded that I can still choose joy even when my world feels as if it’s irreparably bleak and broken. I can have joy because of the One who has come to forgive and to heal and to bind up my broken heart. “For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; He will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes” (Rev 7:17). I pray that you too will be open to this joy, to this future wiping away of each tear, sweet Hope Mommies.

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I was reminded that I can still choose joy even when my world feels as if it’s irreparably bleak and broken. I can have joy because of the One who has come to forgive and to heal and to bind up my broken heart.

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Retreat registration is closed for this year but if you want to hear our group sessions we will be streaming them live via Periscope >> Follow us: https://www.periscope.tv/HopeMommies/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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