Allison’s Story

When I was twelve weeks pregnant with my first child, my husband and I learned that something was seriously wrong. The baby had characteristics of Trisomy 18, a fatal genetic abnormality.

The wait to confirm this suspicion was full of both fear and hope. Fear of the future and hope that my God could get me through anything. After several specialist appointments, the diagnosis was confirmed via amniocentesis. Along with Trisomy 18, the baby also had Spina Bifida.

The rest of my pregnancy was bittersweet. I absolutely loved seeing my belly grow, but was dreading the moment I gave birth. Even though I knew I wasn’t in control, I had a sense of comfort knowing that my body was supplying Emmerson with nutrients to help her grow. To top it off, I knew at least five other women that were pregnant and due around the same time period Emmerson was. I was beyond happy for my friends, but wished I could experience the same joys of pregnancy.

The remainder of my pregnancy consisted of doctor appointment after doctor appointment along with the constant battle of what to do. Do I have a baby shower? I didn’t want to assume that Emmerson would pass away, even though the numbers were overwhelming. I felt as though by not doing the “normal” things that I was counting her out, but doing these things felt like I wasn’t being realistic. The internal struggle was overwhelming at times.

At thirty weeks gestation, my doctor caught reverse cord flow and recommended we deliver the baby as soon as possible. We knew our time with Emmerson would most likely be short, but our goal was to spend time with her alive and he knew that.

After what seemed like an eternity in the operating room, Emmerson was born on November 17, 2015. She didn’t make a sound. I prayed and prayed that she would be alive. My husband and I were frozen in time until we heard a faint cry. She was alive!

My prayers were answered even further when I was allowed time with Emmerson. Our Child Life Specialist made the most of every moment possible. She helped us get family pictures taken, took pictures of Emmerson when I wasn’t able to be in the NICU, made me a scrapbook and shadowbox, and served much like a comfort blanket our entire time in the hospital. The nurses also allowed me to help take Emmerson’s temperature, feed her through her feeding tube, and anything else we possibly could. I spent more time in the NICU than I should have, but not even severe pain could keep me away from my little girl.

My sweet Emmerson fought valiantly until she lost her battle on November 20, 2015 in my husband’s loving arms. At the time, I was distraught. I was questioning God’s plan and asking “why me” over and over again. How could God take something so precious away from me when I had barely gotten to know her? What did I do to deserve this?

While I was battling my current situation internally, I applied to donate my milk because Emmerson had received donor milk until she was able to have mine. I ultimately donated 175 ounces to the Mothers’ Milk Bank of North Texas. I would have loved to donate more, but it took an emotional toll that I didn’t expect at all.

About a month later, God’s brought meaningful purpose amidst my “why me” question; it hit me square in the gut when someone very close to me lost a baby. Because of my experiences with Emmerson, I was able to offer up advice to help this dear family. Not long after that, I was given the opportunity to help another family. I now knew some of the meaningful purpose God would bring from my experience—serving others. Losing a child is hard enough, but feeling alone in the situation is even harder. My goal was to ensure that I could do everything possible to help families experiencing infant loss.

A dear friend and fellow Hope Mommy introduced me to Hope Mommies shortly after Emmerson passed away. The timing was perfect because I was immediately able to sign up up for a Hope Study. To be honest, I wasn’t ready. I completed the study, but did not offer up much to the weekly discussions. I was, however, able to complete a second Hope Study the following study session. To hear other Hope Mommies tell their stories and offer comfort is humbling and I’m so grateful for the opportunity to participate.

Fast forward over a year from Emmerson’s death and I’m standing in the NICU with my best friend and her sweet little 4 pound, 17-inch-long baby boy. That’s when I got another nudge from God. In part, I was allowed those precious days with Emmerson in the NICU to gain experiences that would give me the ability to help my best friend and her husband.

The cords, the machines, the noises, it can all be so intimidating. That, and the struggle to know what to do with a fragile little human is terrifying.

Because of Emmerson’s death, I am able to help loss moms navigate the pain. But because of Emmerson’s life, I am able to help bring comfort and understanding to NICU parents when their world seems to be upside down.

I always say I am proud to be her mom, but Emmerson has really been the biggest blessing in my life and I pray that God can continue to use me to bless the lives of others throughout the years.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

1 Corinthians 1:3-4

– Allison

Hope Mom to Emmerson Jane

 

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog! Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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