Meghan’s Story
I grew up thinking if you worked hard, you could accomplish your dreams. I was very much a planner, and for the most part, things went according to plan. School, graduation, marriage, more school, job. It all flowed so easily from one stage to the next. So, when I didn’t get pregnant in those first 2 months, I was completely thrown. When those months turned into years, I struggled with knowing who I was as a woman, with trusting God to provide, with patience as I waited while friend after friend conceived. I often wondered what was wrong with me, what I had done, why God saw me as unfit. Waiting was incredibly difficult.
But then, the summer of 2012 our dreams came true. After years of infertility, countless medical procedures and surgeries, we were finally pregnant. Twins! It was a rough first trimester and we lost one of the babies the day of my first ultrasound, a child we refer to as Samuel. It was a bittersweet moment, knowing I would never refer to them as “the babies” again while still experiencing joy at seeing our daughter dancing away. I spent the next several weeks filled with anxiety, waiting for the worst. But then we hit the “safe zone” and shared the news with all of our friends and extended family – baby Savant would be entering this world soon! I was so excited. As soon as we found out we were having a girl, we named our precious daughter, Reagan Catherine. A name we had talked about for years, one we both loved. It was an easy decision. Those next 2 months went smoothly and we began to prepare for our little girl’s arrival – painted the nursery, got the car seat and stroller, had our first baby shower. I couldn’t have been more thrilled. I was closely monitored after the early miscarriage but everything looked great, and ultrasounds were all normal. We had no reason to think of anything other than our future with Reagan. But then, the unspeakable happened. I dropped several pounds overnight and called my doc to schedule an appointment. Reagan had been active as usual the night before, so I tried not to worry too much as I waited for my lunch break. I didn’t even ask my husband to go with me.
I had a new doctor that day, one I had never seen before. When he didn’t find the heartbeat in those first seconds, I actually had the thought that his man didn’t have a clue what he was doing. Then I saw his face. We went two doors down for an ultrasound and I saw an image I will never in my life forget. There was my daughter, her beautiful profile. Only this time, she wasn’t dancing. She was still. I crumbled there on the exam table. I called my husband, eventually got in touch with his office, and asked him to come. We were sent to a specialist office so they could run some tests, but there was nothing to bring our Reagan back. This was not the way we envisioned things, not what we prayed for, and nothing we ever thought would happen to us.
I was admitted to this hospital, and Reagan was born silently into the world after 16 hours of labor. She was just perfect—cute little button nose, super long eye lashes, big pouty lips. She was the perfect mixture of my husband and I. When they handed her to me, I felt this connection unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life. You have to love your siblings, you chose to love your husband, but with a child? It just happens. And those precious hours together created some memories I will never forget—rocking her in the chair, reading her a book, trying so hard to memorize every little feature of her face. She was already gone, but I loved her so much. She, and her twin, made me a mommy. But I never saw her smile, never heard her laugh, never got to wipe away her tears. Someone from the local funeral home came and picked up her little body, cried with us as we said goodbye. And a few hours later we were sent home, completely empty-handed. How could someone we loved so much, someone who had such an impact in our lives, leave so silently? The rest of the world seemed to go on a usual. But for us? Our lives seemed suspended in time. We were grieving, yet had no time off work. I had just delivered a baby, yet was expected to return immediately. I received a week off before I had to return—or face not being paid. Andrew had slightly less time. I have never felt so alone and unloved.
I learned a lot in those months and years following Reagan’s death. I found Hope in Christ in a much more tangible way, discovered my profound need for Him and His strength. For once, I couldn’t do it on my own. Even getting out of bed and going to work was a struggle without my faith. I spent time pouring over books and Scripture to learn everything I could about Heaven and my future dwelling place. My perspectives changed drastically as I was finally able to see with a more eternal perspective. I know this is not the end of my story with Reagan, but rather the beginning. I know I will see her and her twin again, and, on good days, I can rest in that promise. Our daughter only knows two things: the love of her parents and the love of Christ. She never had to experience the pain and heartbreak of this world. She will never have a moment where she feels left out and lonely, never have to worry about not fitting in or about going through the awkward middle school years, never have tears running down her tiny little face. What a blessing, for a parent to know her child will only know joy. She will know the fruit of the Spirit. She is worshiping her Savior who loves her even more than we do. And until we can join her, she is taking care of her twin brother or sister.
We just celebrated Reagan’s 4th birthday and these days are still difficult. I still ache for her, still long to know her, still feel her absence. I imagine that will continue to be the case until I am able to join her in heaven. Oh, how I long for that day. Until then, I am trying to remember all that her life has taught me, all God taught me through her.
– Meghan
Hope Mom to Reagan Catherine and Samuel
Meghan is a stay-at-home Mommy to her 4 children, Reagan (living with Jesus since 2012), Dean and Warren (3) and Hannah (1). She enjoys being outside in God’s creation and attempting to be crafty. She is an advocate in her local community to increase awareness for infant loss through Reagan’s Garden. You can read more of her journey at https://meghansavant.blogspot.com/
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