Lauren’s Story

I had always wanted to be a mama ever since I could remember. I was the oldest of four kids and I think it’s partly due to how amazing my mom is. My husband Alan and I became pregnant with our first child and we were ecstatic.  I had a wonderful pregnancy except for some really strong bouts of morning sickness until 14 weeks.

At 39 weeks it was my last week working at a fast paced job and I had been training my replacement the last two weeks. All seemed ready to welcome our little one into this world. We were waiting to find out the sex until our baby was born. There was such excitement and anticipation. The day of our baby’s due date I didn’t feel like the baby was moving as much as normal. So I talked to my husband about it and texted a few friends. I cried and prayed with my husband and he did a strawberry on my belly. The baby moved so we thought all was ok and went to bed that night.

The next day the movement seemed the same so I called my doctor and she said to go to the emergency room. I was a little worried, but thought the baby was really snug in there because we would deliver any day.

Upon arrival the nurse couldn’t find the heartbeat. I thought that it was maybe because heart rate monitor strips can sometimes be flaky. She then tried a Doppler and also couldn’t find it. So they wanted to bring in an ultrasound and a resident. Once the resident’s face was still and silent I knew that our baby had already gone to be with Jesus. We balled and I told my husband I knew that the Lord had a plan. My world turned upside down. I had dreamed so much of our child. Holding him or her, nursing, being with them in the nursery, playing. And yet despite the worst thing that could happen we knew that our God was with us and had not forsaken us.

Lord’s presence was so near in the smallest details during labor the next day. It was a raining and my husband sweetly said that the Lord was crying with us and I believe He was weeping with us. Our nurse was a young adult at our church, we couldn’t afford our doula, a dear friend, but when she heard what had happened she wanted to help me deliver for free, friends and family being present and praying. Then the time to push came and he was born. It was a boy! He was so beautiful and looked just like his daddy. I will never forget how my husband cherished and held our son. It had been an umbilical cord accident. The cord was wrapped around John Luke’s neck tightly three times. There was nothing we could have done. We loved the name John Luke and it fit him perfectly. He had a head full of dark brown hair, eyes sleeping, his daddy’s big lips, a button nose, a little belly, precious long fingers and toes. Some of his skin was a little rubbed off from being gone in the womb a few days and lips dark, which was so hard for me to see. And yet, I know that in heaven his body is fully restored and he is with Christ. (1 Corinthians 15:35-55)

Family held him and took pictures with our son. My dad told us he wanted to plant a tree for every grandchild at the lake and our son’s would be the first. The hospital moved me from the labor and delivery floor to a women’s floor. It was one of my most precious moments with John Luke getting to hold him in his blanket as they wheeled us to our new room. John Luke got to spend the night with us in his bassinet and then we had to say goodbye. I did not want to let him go, but we knew it was time.

At home when the garage door shut, the silence of our car without our baby’s cry and an empty crib was heart piercing. A dear friend shared this scripture and it was such an encouragement and how I felt:

Habbakuk 3:17-19
“Though the fig tree does not bud
 and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
 and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
 and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
 he enables me to tread on the heights.”

Though our crib was empty, yet I will praise the Lord!

We have never so tangibly felt the hands and feet of Christ as we did in those first months after losing our son. At his memorial service, the pastors declared the truth and beauty of the Gospel that because Christ died and was resurrected that our bodies too will be on that day in heaven where John Luke was already with our Savior. Hugs, warm meals in those cold months, thoughtful gifts that remind me of our son, friends’ presence and listening ears, prayers, scriptures shared, hope in Christ. We were not alone. Our God was and is with us.

A beautiful maple is now growing by the lake where we spread John Luke’s ashes. Each passing season reminds me of the cycle of life. Winter is always the harshest to my soul reminding me of the absolute hardest time in our lives, but our Lord reminds me warm springtime is coming. Soon after gorgeous colored blossoms and sprouted green leaves come from the dead brown twigs. The Lord does not want to leave us in the misery of brutal cold winter but beacons us to draw near to Him, to abide in His warmth, His promise of redemption and growth. (Isaiah 61, Philippians 1:4)

John Luke would be two years and two months old today. I see friends’ little boys who delivered right after me and so often wonder what he would have been like playing alongside them. I will miss him until I see him again in Glory, and yet I know he is in the most perfect place face to face with his creator and Lord. (1 Corinthians 13:12)

We cannot wait to be reunited with him in heaven!

-Lauren
Hope Mom to John Luke

Lauren is the retreat coordinator for Hope Mommies.