Katie’s Story

Our lives were forever changed when our twin girls, Anna and Ella, were born the morning of July 19, 2015 at 27 weeks.  Anna was born at 3:31 am and weighed 1 lb. 15.9 ounces and Ella was born at 3:32 am and weighed 1 lb. 15.8 ounces.  They were both immediately taken to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) and we were told to expect them to remain in the hospital for at least 13 weeks (until their due date).

We knew we had a long road ahead of us but we were hopeful they would both come home with us.  I am a pediatric nurse practitioner so I made it my full-time job to know every detail of their care.  After they were born, Anna seemed to take off and thrive, but Ella was the one who always seemed to struggle.  The doctors discovered that Ella had a large hole in her heart that needed to be closed.  At four weeks old, she had heart surgery to repair the hole.  She did amazingly well that following week and we thought she was finally going to catch up to her sister.  Our hearts were shattered when she developed a widespread bacterial infection at five weeks old.  She fought hard for two long weeks, but we had to watch her endure more pain than anyone should ever have to experience in a lifetime.  In the end, the infection was too much for her little body to overcome.  She passed away the morning of September 7, 2015.  My husband and I are incredibly grateful that we were both with her when she passed.  She took her last breath as the nurses moved her into her Daddy’s arms.  That was the first and last time my husband would ever get to hold her.

Something broke in me the day that Ella passed away.  I truly did not think that I was going to survive losing her.  All I kept thinking was, “Why is this happening to our family?” and “I’m never going to be the same after this.”  I did not know how I could continue to live my life when one of my children was no longer here with me. How could I be a mom to our 2-year-old son, Luke, and to Anna who was still in the NICU?  I’ve always loved the poem “Footprints in the Sand,” especially the part where it talks about God carrying us through our trials.  Looking back, I realize now that the only way that I survived the first several weeks and months after we lost Ella was because God absolutely picked me up and carried me through it.

I have always been an anxious mom but the fear that I experienced after we lost Ella was on a different level.  I constantly worried that something bad was going to happen to Luke or to Anna.  How could I possibly trust God to protect them when he didn’t protect Ella? I had so much anger towards God. We had struggled for a long time with infertility before we were finally able to get pregnant.  I did not understand how God would allow us to get pregnant with twins only to take one of them away.  I constantly cried out to God asking him why He didn’t answer my prayers to heal Ella and wondered why He couldn’t have taken my life instead.

It has taken many months, but God is slowly healing my broken heart. I can see now that God did heal Ella, just not in the way I wanted Him to. He gave us a miracle by taking her to her heavenly home.  I am learning that God does not promise that we will not experience disappointments in this life.  What He does promise is that He will never leave us and He will be there to walk with us through that disappointment.  I used to ask God “Why me?” but now I have started to realize “Why not me?”  There is nothing special about me that gives me the right to assume that God will spare me from loss and heartbreak in this life.  Why do some people get cancer while others don’t?  Why do some people lose a child while others don’t?  But it is by God’s grace that we can put our hope in Christ. I will never truly know on this earth why Ella had to leave us, but I realize now that God chose this path for me for a reason. I have come to realize that I have two options. I can either stay bitter and angry for the rest of my life or I can ask God to use my experience to make me more faithful and to help others.  Because of my faith, I have hope that I will see Ella again. And because of my faith, I’ve found that I can choose hope.

In the last year, I’ve found healing in helping other grieving families.  We became more involved with the bereavement committee at the hospital where Ella passed and have supported several projects in her memory there.  Ella’s name means “bright, shining light” and we promised her that we would continue to spread that light to others as long as we are here on this earth without her.  Our main prayer when we lost Ella was that her life would have meaning, and that it would have a positive impact on others even though she was only with us for a short time.  That is what has led our family to raise the funds to open a butterfly bereavement room in Ella’s memory at the hospital where she passed.  It is our prayer that this room will help provide the privacy and comfort that grieving family’s need when they have to say good-bye to their babies.  We pray this room will leave a lasting legacy in Ella’s memory and will be something that will help grieving families for many years to come.

In those early weeks and months after we lost Ella, I found hope in hearing from other moms that had survived this type of loss before me.  Social media truly is such a powerful tool and helped me to connect with other grieving moms all over the world.  That is what led me to find Hope Mommies.  You all will never know how much it helped my grieving heart to hear that there were other moms out there that felt the same way I did and to hear how they were healing from their loss.  Your stories are what have kept me going and what give me the strength to face each new day.  Even though I have not met any of you in person yet, I feel like we are a family.  It’s not a family that I ever expected to be a part of, but it is the most amazing, supportive family.  I feel so blessed to be a part of this community of strong, resilient women.  I will never be able to thank you enough for the support you have given me.  Your strength and your prayers help me to see hope that I can face tomorrow.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves received from God.” – 1 Corinthians 1:3-4

– Katie

Hope Mom to Ella Grace

I am a part time pediatric nurse practitioner. My husband, Phillip, and I have been married for six wonderful years. We have three beautiful children; two are here in our arms and one will forever be in our hearts.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog! Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here: