Chelsea’s Story
In 27 years, I had never been to the emergency room. I had no idea that in the span of three days, I would visit the emergency room on three occasions. In 27 years, I had never lost anyone I loved to death. I had no idea that, in those same three days, the first time I would look death in the face, would be when I lost my baby.
How do you share with people that you miscarried? Do you wait for it to come out in awkward conversation? Do you blurt it out to everyone you know? There is no easy way to share the death of a child. We shared our story with family and friends just four days after we announced to everyone we would be welcoming a baby in October.
Nothing can prepare you for miscarrying at home. What I knew and had heard about miscarriage—finding out that your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat and the doctor walking you through the rest—wasn’t our experience.
I woke up on a Saturday morning, and went to go get my pregnancy labs done. As the day progressed, I began feeling ill. I started running a low grade fever, and was having slight abdominal pain. I went to urgent care, and got bumped up to an ER visit. I had all the flu symptoms, but no flu. My blood work was fine. My urine showed no infection, but some dehydration.
Our baby’s heart was beating, so I was sent home with the order to drink lots of fluids. But when I got home, I began vomiting all the fluids I attempted to drink, and had no appetite. The next day I was still unable to eat or drink much, and my fever had gone up. So we went back to the ER. After more tests, they decided I likely had a kidney infection. The baby still looked fine, and was bouncing all around my belly. After hooking me up to IV fluids, they sent me home with antibiotics.
Monday afternoon, I woke up from a nap, and noticed I was having some cramping. I tried not to worry about it. But within a few hours, I was almost 100% sure I would miscarry before the night was over. I laid on the couch in the dark, turned on worship music, and, with one hand on my belly and one lifted to the Lord, I worshipped God as my body prepared to birth our baby. I was powerless. All I knew was that mommy and baby would do this together, whatever that may look like.
As things progressed, my fear spiked. Tears and sobs flowed from the eyes of my husband and I as we sat in the bathroom. Words were not adequate for the pain of what we were experiencing. By that evening, I had miscarried my baby. Sobbing and heartbroken we make our third and final trip to the ER. This time it was cold and unwelcoming. The silence in our room was deafening. The insensitive comments, although made with good intentions, were piercing. The ultrasound, where a baby was 24 hours earlier, showed an empty womb, and stung our hearts as silent tears rolled down our faces. And then, once again, it was just us two. We were left to clean up our mess, and walk out of the hospital with no answers, and so many questions.
We grieved. We cried. Worship felt like the only natural thing to do. I knew I didn’t have the strength to do it alone, so I fell flat on my face, and let Jesus carry me. I cried out when I was angry. I asked Him the tough questions, even though I knew I wouldn’t get all the answers. And the Lord surrounded me with so many women who have also experienced loss, who have loved me so well—just sitting, listening to my story, praying, and, crying with me.
I worked to stop myself from self-blame—letting go of all the “what ifs” that filled my thoughts. I reminded myself over and over that the very first thing my baby ever saw when he or she opened their eyes was the glorious face of Jesus. Our baby doesn’t have to battle sickness on earth, but is experiencing the joys of heaven. I am hopefully overwhelmed by the fact that God was and is with us and our baby every step of the way. I’m so thankful to serve a God who knows what it’s like to experience the death of a child, and for the story of Mary in Scripture, a mother who also knows the pain of losing a child.
Life has brought me so many challenges, but God has always been faithful. I wondered if His faithfulness would continue in these dark and grim circumstances, when it felt easy to be angry with Him or blame Him. But please hear me. GOD IS FAITHFUL. I was so blown away by His love for me in the early days after my miscarriage.
Daffodils are the birth flower for March, the month my baby, Davie, was born. I had gone back to work because being home by myself was too emotionally overwhelming. As I drove to work, listening to worship music, I saw a patch of daffodils growing near the road. I’ve made that drive 100 times, and I had never seen them there before. Yet, just days after I lost my baby, and had been searching everywhere to buy daffodils to remember Davie by, there they were—a beautiful reminder for me every day to and from work that God cares about my sorrow and hasn’t forgotten me.
When I went back to work, it felt awkward waiting to see if people were going to say something about my miscarriage. I had two co-workers ask how I was doing, and I mentioned that I was just clinging to the Lord and taking it a day at a time. They began asking me why I was clinging to the Lord, and began sharing their doubts about faith, and why they don’t go to church. In that moment, Davie’s life gave me the opportunity to share Christ’s love and faithfulness.
I left the conversation thanking God for using Davie’s life to spread love and hope to others. So, when asked why I choose to cling to Christ, my answer is simple. Without my faith in who God is, there is no hope of ever seeing my baby again. Without hope, miscarriage is nothing more than cruel and meaningless. Without faith in God, I would spend forever trying to find someone or something to blame for the loss of my baby. But because of faith in God, I have hope, peace and comfort even though I may not have answers. My tears and pain are not in vain.
There have been three passages of Scripture that have breathed peace into my life in this season. The first is Job 1:21 “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” Those were hard words for me to utter. It was difficult to really praise the Lord after the death of my baby, but I still chose to say them. I still chose to praise.
The second verse is Psalm 139:15 “My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the Earth.” This verse overwhelmed me to the point of tears when I read it. I carried guilt that I initially was not excited about my pregnancy. I wondered how we would afford a new baby when we already had a toddler at home. After we lost Davie, the guilt and bargaining with the Lord began. But when I read this verse, it became so clear to me that even though I hadn’t been prepared, and was full of fear, God had already begun weaving together this little human in my belly, knowing how many days of life that sweet baby would have.
And finally the parable of the lost sheep in Matthew 18:10-14. Scripture refers to the sheep as the little ones. At times, through this sorrow, I have felt so small, telling myself that I needed to be okay and stop grieving because there are worse things in the world going on. But then, I read this parable, and was overwhelmed that God comes after me, the one lost sheep trying to find its way back into daily life. He comes after me because He’s not willing to lose me. My pain isn’t small to Him. It’s worthy of His attention.
- Chelsea
Hope Mom to Baby Davie
My name is Chelsea, I’m 27, and the mommy of one cute toddler here on Earth, and one sweet baby in heaven. I’m a therapist working with children who have experienced trauma. I had never experienced the death of a loved one until we lost our baby. I’m constantly gripping the words, “You don’t belittle our pain and our suffering. You comfort us in our greatest unraveling. Jesus, my Jesus.”
We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.
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