Berklye’s Story

Going down this journey opened up a whole new community that I did not know existed. You grow up thinking, Okay I’ll find the right guy, get married and then have children. It never even crosses your mind that you could lose a child. But there are so many mothers out there who do and it needs to be talked about. I find just sharing your story can make all the difference in the world.

I am lucky to call my soulmate my middle school sweetheart.  We met in our sixth grade math class and have been together ever since. I know now looking back, God had destined for us to meet so early because of the bond we would need to face the road ahead.

After 12 years of dating we decide it was finally time to get married! So on April 28, 2012 we tied the knot, and then found out we were pregnant that following December. I was shocked to say the least. I knew I always wanted a family, but I wasn’t expecting it to happen so soon into our marriage. But as the baby grew inside I fell deeper and deeper in love with this precious gift from God. We found out we were having a girl and were over the moon! I was blessed with an easy pregnancy and on August 15, 2013 at 12:15 p.m., Evelyn came into this world. She was perfect in every way! All her tests were good and we were smitten with this beautiful baby God gave us.

We took her home and began the journey and challenges of first-time parents—breast feeding, sleep schedules, diaper changes, swaddling, soothing a crying baby, etc. On Evelyn’s eleventh day with us I noticed she was waking with crusty eyes. Being nervous, first-time parents, I called the pediatrician and asked if we could come and have her check it out. So we did and my doctor kindly showed us that all we needed to do was take a cotton ball with warm water, gently wipe her eyes, and that should do it.

We said “Okay, we can do that.”

But then she turned to us and said, “But I don’t like her color. I want to test her oxygen level.”

Of course straight panic ran through me, “What do you mean you don’t like her color? What’s wrong with her color?”

She said “Evelyn is just not the baby pink that I like to see. This is just precautionary measures.”

So with our breaths held, they tested Evelyn’s oxygen level and our pediatrician looked at us and said, “I don’t want to alarm you, but her oxygen is low and I’d rather be safe than sorry. You need to take her up to the hospital so they can test it.”

It felt like a car had landed on me. I immediately began to cry and we rushed her to the hospital. We were admitted to the pediatric unit where they started to run all sorts of test on her to figure out why her oxygen was low. After lots and lots of needle poking, level testing and monitoring they brought in a sonogram and looked at her heart and lungs. The cardiologist came to the conclusion that it was RSV. With a breath of relief she told me the only thing they would need to do was give her a certain type of oxygen for a couple of days and that would help her fight the RSV. So they admitted her to the pediatric ICU and began to hook her up to all the machines and medicine that she would need. As they were doing that, her lungs collapsed. They fought for hours to revive her as we were on our knees praying and begging God to take us instead, to heal our baby girl, to basically give us a miracle. She went to be with Jesus that night and a piece of our souls went with her.

I was broken and in disbelief. How could I take my sweet Evelyn for a crusty eye in the morning and come home that evening without our child. Time stood still for a while. The deep depression that over swept me and kept me in a zombie-like form was torture. I couldn’t eat and laid in bed motionless as my husband, family and friends tried to comfort me. But somehow by the grace of God, my family and friends worked with me slowly and got me up doing normal things. I was so angry at God, but yet, I knew that He was the only One who could get me through this. I was broken but I knew God was going to help me pick up the pieces and turn it into something beautiful. So I decided to jump in and let God do the work.

I began taking my thoughts captive and trying to find something to be thankful for each day, at a time when thankfulness didn’t come easily to my heart. My whole saying during this time was, “Berklye tell me one thing you are thankful for,” so I would do that. Some days it would be as little as, “I’m thankful that I can walk.” But it got my mind turned to thinking of all the blessings that I have. Going through an experience of losing a child really puts things into perspective about what is important in life. I had spent my younger life having stress about “material” things for no reason. When it comes down to it, relationships that you have and the people that are in your life are so much more valuable.

So after some time and discussion with my husband we decided to try and see if we could have another baby. Right off the bat I got pregnant again. This has to be a God thing right? Why would I get pregnant so fast if it wasn’t? This pregnancy was hard mentally. I was so anxious and nervous about things going right the second time around. My verse to help me calm my anxiousness was Psalm 112:7, “I will have no fear of bad news; my heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.”  I did everything I could to make sure nothing could go wrong. I ate right, took the right vitamins, exercised, prayed, had people pray over me, saw multiple doctors. I had everything double- and even triple-checked sometimes.

At 37 weeks they were a little concerned that she was not gaining weight like she should so at 38 weeks we induced and Scarlett was born! She was a tiny thing, 4lbs and 13oz. But she was perfect. She was so small that she had a hard time controlling her body temperature so the put her in the NICU. She was a little fighter though, so after only 3 days in the NICU with multiple checks on every part of her body, we were able to take her home on Halloween.

We were cautious, crazy parents when we brought her home. Only the grandparents were allowed to see her and if they did, they had to wear hospital gowns and masks. Our house was basically quarantined. We saw our pediatrician at least once a week and after hours so that she would not be around other people that might be sick. Everything was going great! She was eating and growing and getting great reports back from the doctors. Thanksgiving rolled around, Christmas, New Years, and we thought we were in the clear. At 9.5 weeks old, on January 2, Scarlett began to spit up. I called our pediatrician and she said give her some Pedialyte and to let her know if she holds it down. She did not and her color started to turn, so our pediatrician said meet her at the hospital to check this out. So we rushed Scarlett to the hospital ER. They admitted her and began tests on her.

The hospital knew our story of losing our first child and literally did everything they could do. I believe there were at one point 7 different doctors in the ER room doing everything they could to help save our child. I was crouched in the corner of the room with my hands on my head pleading, “God no, not again, don’t take my baby, please save her,” over and over again as they worked on her. Within an hour she was gone. The devastation and despair is unexplainable. How and why did God let this happen again?

This time around we pushed everyone away. I was angry, depressed and broken, and wanted no part in being comforted. I had lost all hope and purpose for my life and felt abandoned by my God. I could not feel Him anywhere or see Him in anything. I was lost and the weight of my depression unbearable.

I received a Hope Box from a woman named Chelsea who lived 5.5 hours away and who I had never met. She had heard my story somehow through the grapevine and was kind enough to reach out to me. Through the box that I received my mother went online and looked up the Hope Mommies organization. She saw that there was a retreat in a month and begged me to go. I refused, of course, but my mother was adamant about me going. I dragged my heels the whole way there, angry at my mom for forcing me to go. I was scared and did not want to be vulnerable in front of people I did not know.

It truly is amazing to see how God works. That weekend at the retreat was one of the most inspiring, uplifting and healing weekends I have ever had. To be surrounded and loved by fellow women who know and understand your pain is the most comforting thing I could have asked for at that moment. I came out of the retreat with a renewed confirmation that it was going to be okay. I would get through this and I was going to be okay. God will restore and He will turn these broken ashes of my life into beauty.

After going through this I just wanted answers. I wanted someone to tell me how to fix it and what I could do to prevent it. But sometimes a person has to realize that there are no answers that can satisfy. After an autopsy, consulting with multiple specialized doctors and doing genetic tests, we have found out that my husband and I most likely have a genetic issue when we procreate. They are not certain what gene is mutated to cause what our daughters died of which is “Dilated Cardiomyopathy” (because most of them are undiscovered as of yet), but they believe we both carry the exact same mutated gene.

So with no real answers from “science” as to how to fix this, my husband and I had to come to the realization that we will not have biological children together.  This is a heartbreaking reality to come to terms with, but we are just going to have to trust that the Lord has another plan. I am confident in the promises of heaven laid out in Scripture because of what was accomplished on the cross, and look forward to seeing what God has in store for my life.

I also believe that it is a choice to heal. There is not one day that goes by that I don’t think about my girls and the life we could have had. According to the standards of this world, I have all the right in the world to be bitter, angry, miserable, selfish and mad at how my life story has gone. However, I don’t want to live like that, but want to strive to live for the Lord. I want to live a life full of His love and hope. Yes, I have a terrible, tragic story but I am so blessed. I choose faith and hope for the future. I know that God will use my story to spread His light to others. My girl’s lives were brief but they were meaningful and had purpose. They have forever changed me and have touched more people in their short lives than I have touched in mine.

– Berklye

Hope Mommy to Evelyn and Scarlett

 

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog! Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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