Ana Leigh’s Story

My story is hard to tell because it holds a lot of regret. When I learned I was pregnant with my little Elizabeth Morgan, my first reaction was, No! I have two beautiful, young, crazy children and I was not planning to have another child. In fact, my husband and I had already made arrangements to make sure that we were done. I had finally felt at peace with the decision and was sure that I was ready to move forward in life. A child would have changed everything. Well, God had bigger plans for me.

When I saw a positive pregnancy test, I shut down completely. I couldn’t see past the plans that I had made for us as a family of four. It was as if God was saying, “My plans are more for you, just wait until you see what I have in store.” But I couldn’t let go of what I had wanted.

I remember staring at my spoon during breakfast on the Fourth of July. We had a big day ahead of us filled with lots of people, and here I was hypnotized by a bite of cereal and in shock over an unexpected pregnancy. My husband pulled me into the laundry room and held me by the shoulders. He knew I was acting strange. I looked him in the eyes not wanting to say anything. Only a few days before we had both spoken of all our hopes and dreams without another child in tow. I felt I didn’t want to ruin our day. But he knew something wasn’t right. I began to sob as I blurted it all out. It felt foreign on my lips. I wanted to take it back the moment I said it…“I’m pregnant.”

My husband gathered me in his arms and began to smile. I was confused. Why wasn’t he as upset about this as I was? And I will never forget what he said to me on that crazy day (he always looks at everything with better perspective than I do). He said, “How can I be upset when you are telling me our family is about to grow?” And that is where our journey began.

A week later, and I began struggling with gestational diabetes. I was only 6 weeks pregnant and I was already dealing with problems that shouldn’t have arrived until much later in the pregnancy. I was sick quite often and very exhausted. I began checking my blood sugars frequently and changing my diet and exercise plan. I did research to help keep everything under control because I wanted these 9 months to go as well as possible (I had dealt with gestational diabetes for two previous pregnancies).

Along with health problems, I also had problems accepting the little life growing inside me. I couldn’t bond with her; I didn’t even acknowledge her. Sure, we told everyone, but I said it with rolled eyes and sighs of unwanting. I couldn’t accept that I would be having another baby soon. I kept thinking, Maybe the first time I hear the heartbeat, maybe when I first see the ultrasound, maybe when I start to feel kicks, maybe. But I never felt the connection. It was strange to know that I had a baby growing inside, but not feel like it was actually happening.

I hate to admit that I was a completely different person when I was pregnant. It was a mix of the hormones, the diabetes, the struggle to accept. I became someone I didn’t know. There were days I would say “I just don’t want to be pregnant anymore!”, “I’m done!”, “I can’t do this!” For weeks, I would say these things. I didn’t want to be sick, I didn’t want to have another baby, I didn’t want to be pregnant.

I know you are reading this and thinking what is her problem? How could she think those things? I ask myself those same questions, believe me. But I did. And they are all words I wish I could take back.

At 22 weeks, we went in for an ultrasound to see the gender. We brought our children with us. My son was hoping deeply to get another baby sister. I remember looking at him instead of the ultrasound. Seeing his excitement and hearing his anxious movements helped my heart to settle. When the nurse finally said, “It’s a girl,” my son’s face lit up and for the first time at that moment, I felt peace that everything would be ok.

For the next three weeks, I threw names right and left at my husband. I wanted to name this little life as soon as possible. Now that I felt peace about my pregnancy, I wanted to make up for all the lost time. I began planning her nursery and imagining what life would be like. I started holding my belly more and smiling with each kick. I was finally at a place where I could say, Yes!

It was exactly two weeks before my world came crashing down that my husband and I named our little girl. Elizabeth Morgan. It means “Consecrated to God in the midst of the sea.” If only we would have known what we would have to face in the days to come.

I had finally accepted my pregnancy, but I was still struggling with diabetes. In fact, it had increasingly gotten worse. I had episodes where my numbers would unexpectedly spike higher than it ever had. I wasn’t doing anything differently, but my body was acting differently. I remember praying in that last week for God to take the diabetes away. I was afraid of food; I felt weak, and my heart would race. On Tuesday night, I told a friend, “I hate being pregnant.” I have regretted those four words!

On Wednesday, November 30, 2016, I noticed that I hadn’t felt my baby move. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time I felt a kick. I remember my husband bending down, placing his lips on my belly, he told our daughter, “I love you.” I waited, but nothing happened. I waited all morning, but nothing happened. I finally decided to go in to the doctor. I sat in the room, waiting, still hoping I was wrong. When the nurse couldn’t find a heartbeat, I began to cry. I texted my husband, who had gone into work and he came immediately. They took me in for an ultrasound only to confirm what I already knew.

I have never heard the sounds that came out of my mouth in that moment. I had never felt my heart break so hard. I found myself saying, once again, “No!” My husband didn’t have to ask where I was, he could hear me wailing and he ran straight to me. That moment will forever be on my mind.

The next day, I went in to deliver Elizabeth Morgan. She was born at 1:48am on December 2, 2016. She was 1lb 1oz, 14in long. I carried her for 26 weeks and will carry her the rest of my life in my heart. We buried her the following Monday and had a reception in her honor.

We never did find out what happened. She was perfect in every way. All I know is that God continues to whisper the promise He reminded my spirit of from Scripture the day I learned I was pregnant with her—as if He said, “My plans are more for you, just wait until you see what I have in store.” I didn’t realize His plans would be so difficult. I didn’t realize how much He would change me. But God has changed me. He has tested my faith in ways I could have never imagined. He has changed my outlook and the way I see Him. I know Him in ways I never did before.

I find peace in knowing that because of Christ, my God does not punish us for our weaknesses. Not only that, but I know that God is changing my weakness into something glorious and He is in control of all things, including my story of regret.

“The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever. He does not punish us for all our sins; He does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. For His unfailing love towards those who fear Him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. The Lord is like a father to His children, tender and compassionate to those who fear Him. For He knows how weak we are; He remembers we are only dust.”
Psalm 103:8-14 (emphasis added)

He is using my story, Elizabeth’s story, to help others who are struggling to accept their pregnancies, who are hurting because of their own losses, and who feel a spiritual battle in grief. I never thought I would be doing the things I am doing today, but God has a plan. And I am ready to follow no matter where it takes me or how much it hurts.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
Jeremiah 29:11

I am a mother of two earth babies and two hope babies. I love all four of my children and look forward to meeting my hope babies some day in heaven. In the meantime, I am working for my God to honor His name and be an example of His love to all. I love letting Him use me and though the road is tough, I wouldn’t have it any other way!

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We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.

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