Paige’s Story
In March 2019, Mike and I found out that we were pregnant. We were ecstatic. I had suffered a miscarriage in June of 2018, and I felt really hopeful about this pregnancy. My due date was November 17, 2019. We were living in Florida, and we quickly decided to move back to Maryland, where I am originally from, to be around my family and friends who would be playing a huge role in our child’s life.
We moved back to Maryland in June and started buying things for the baby’s room little by little. It was so fun for us. Every weekend we had a project to work on. Then, we found out that we would be having a little boy. We started going crazy buying little boy clothes. My aunt came over one night, and we made letters for above the crib that spelled out his name, Holden. The nursery looked amazing, the pregnancy was going smoothly, we were loving Maryland, and we were at our happiest. It was amazing, and we were feeling so blessed. God was blessing us with a beautiful baby, and life couldn’t be better. God is great.
At each appointment, Holden’s heartbeat was strong, and his growth was right on track. I thought we were in the clear. We were so excited to have our baby. I was finally going to be a mommy. Work was enjoyable, and I loved telling my students when Holden was moving around, and they loved asking questions about him. When they needed my attention, they would say, “Ms. Sanderson, can you and Holden please come over here?” It melted my heart.
I had been in the hospital at 38 weeks with some high blood pressure, but they did all types of tests on the baby, and everything looked great. Mike and I were satisfied with that. I had an appointment a few days after that, and his heartbeat was still loud and strong, and my blood pressure was great. My due date came. Everything still looked great, so the doctor saw no reason to rush an induction even though I was so ready to meet my sweet baby boy.
Then, on November 19, our lives changed forever. It was the appointment that no one tells you about. My blood pressure was a little high that morning. The doctor used the Doppler, and all I heard was silence. She told me not to panic because maybe the batteries were dead, but I started crying uncontrollably. She sent me to the hospital to check on everything. The nurses surrounded me as soon as I got there, and soon I knew that my worst fear had been confirmed. No one actually told me that my baby had passed away, but I just knew.
When Mike got to the hospital, I was extremely calm, but he said I looked empty inside. I was. I didn’t know what to think or how to feel, and none of it even felt real. I was praying that it was an awful nightmare that I would wake up from.
I demanded a C-section. I could not imagine going through labor in the state of mind I was in—without the reward of a perfect crying baby at the end of the pain. They couldn’t do my C-section until that night, so I laid silently in the hospital bed for about nine hours. My family and best friend came to the hospital to support me, but I wanted to be alone. I felt like I had failed as a mom.
They put me under anesthesia for the C-section and said I could be confused when I woke up, so I asked them to take Holden out of the room until I could remember what had happened. They took Holden out and let my family meet him which was so special for them.
When I finally saw my baby, I couldn’t get over how beautiful he was. He looked just like me except he had Mike’s chin. I will never know what my son’s eyes looked like, and that will forever break my heart. It’s something a mother should never have to go through. We took family pictures with him which I am so thankful for. Leaving the hospital without my baby was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Never in a million years did I think that this could happen to me.
I was mad at the world. I questioned my faith for a while. I hated myself. I felt like a “fake mom.” The empty nursery drove me insane. It took me a few weeks to go in, but when I finally did, I felt so at peace. That’s when my faith and hope returned. I felt so connected to God at that point, and I knew He was giving me strength.
I can finally smile about Holden because even while losing him was extremely sad, he’s still my biggest blessing. I don’t want his memory to always be surrounded by tears and sadness. I want his memory to be surrounded by smiles and happiness too. He is loved by so many. I enjoyed every part of pregnancy, all of his kicks, all of the cravings, watching him grow.
I grieve the loss of Holden every second of every day, but I am trying to let my grief show through in love. I am trying to love my family and friends more, to be more positive, and to be the best mom to Holden that I possibly can. I pray to God all the time, and after I pray I feel such a great sense of peace. I know that God is looking over us.
Learning to go through life with our baby in heaven is extremely difficult. Some days we have to make the decision to simply get out of bed. We are faced with some hard questions from people that we sometimes can’t answer. But we are doing our best as we place our trust in God, and that’s all we can do.
“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
- Paige Sanderson
Hope Mom to Holden
My name is Paige Sanderson. I live in Maryland near my amazing family and friends. I am a middle school math teacher and love my job. I am a proud mom to my son in heaven, Holden.
We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.
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