Melinda’s Story
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes the water is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”
– Vickie Harrison.
But how would I learn to swim in the sea of grief? The loss of our sweet Annalee came just two months after our 3-year-old daughter was diagnosed with cancer. I went from fearing the unknown future of our daughter, Lela, to grieving the future memories that we will never have with Annalee.
I will never forget how I felt when I found out I was pregnant again. I’m not proud of my reaction. This was my sixth pregnancy. We already had four blessings, ages 18, 16, 3, and 15 months. I had also gone through a miscarriage at 8 weeks in 2014. I was feeling overwhelmed and stretched thin, but my loving heavenly Father quickly reminded me that all babies are a blessing. After seeking forgiveness for my attitude, I quickly settled into the role of being pregnant mama again and was looking forward to our surprise blessing with much excitement.
But 2020 didn’t go as I had planned.
Instead of getting ready for our baby girl, we were focused on our three-year-old’s cancer treatment. I began feeling guilty that I wasn’t giving my unborn daughter enough attention, but on those stressful days, God would remind me of His sufficient grace, love, and strength.
“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”
Psalm 46:1
Despite the stressful journey we were on, I had a healthy textbook pregnancy. But the day before my 36 week sonogram, while I was at clinic with Lela for her chemo treatment, I realized I hadn’t felt Annalee move all morning. I dismissed my fears and fervently prayed that she would be fine. On the morning of my OB appointment, I felt something was wrong, but my heart refused to believe it. Surely God wouldn’t allow us another heartbreak.
I told myself it was just a silly worry, but the sonogram revealed my greatest fear. There was no heartbeat. I remember sitting in the car crying and asking God why this happened and how I would ever be able to handle this.
“I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.”
-Psalm 121:1-2
The decision was made to induce the next morning. We were told it was probably something genetically wrong with her that caused her death. I remember being in the labor and delivery room praying it was all a mistake and that she would be born alive. Oh, how my heart longed to hear her cry.
Our precious gift from God was born on August 28, 2020 at 4:43pm just three weeks before her estimated date of arrival. She was absolutely perfect, all 4 pounds 10 ounces of her. There was nothing genetically wrong with her. Her passing was caused by a true cord knot and her unusually long cord was wrapped around her neck.
Annalee was so beautiful, ten perfect fingers and toes. She looked so peaceful, like she was only sleeping. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. We were encouraged to spend time with her, and spent several hours with her before we said our goodbyes. It was so hard leaving the hospital with empty arms. Losing a child is one the greatest pains I have ever felt.
I was told by well meaning friends that it happened for a reason, so I could now focus on Lela and her needs without having to worry about caring for an infant too. While I refused to believe this, I began to feel distant from God. I went through a period of grief where I blamed myself for Annalee’s death and Lela’s cancer. I felt as if God had turned His back on me.
My husband reminded me that I was believing a lie. God had never left me; He was holding me through the entire journey. He still is. He showed me His love and comfort in many ways. God never promised us a life free from pain, trials, suffering, and heartbreaks, but He has promised to never leave us or forsake us.
“For He has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
-Hebrews 13:5b
“The Lord is near to the brokenheartedand saves the crushed in spirit.”
-Psalm 34:18
I was reminded that all things work together for good to those who love God, and are the called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). God works out all things—not just isolated trials—for our good. This doesn’t mean that everything that happens to us is going to be good. We live in an evil world, and bad things do happen.
To trust God in the light is nothing but to trust Him in the dark- that is faith. -Charles Spurgeon
My prayer for Annalee, from the time I found out I was pregnant, was that she would be healthy, both mentally and physically. Had she survived the cord accident, she would have lived a life of unforeseen medical issues. Would we have loved her and cared for her regardless? Yes! A thousand times, yes! But she will never know the pain and brokenness of this world. Heaven is so much sweeter now.
How have I learned to swim in the sea of grief? By relying on God’s comfort, strength, and promise of heaven for those who believe. I have learned to find joy and thankfulness in every situation whether it be good or bad. I often hear, “You are so strong!” But I say, “No, I am weak; He is strong!”
God doesn’t give us what we can handle, He helps us handle what we are given. -Ann Voskamp
Our journey of trials is far from over, and there will always be a hole in my heart from the loss of my babies, but I know that one day we will all be together again. I am thankful for the eight weeks I carried Baby Spikes and the 36 weeks that I carried Annalee. I am thankful for my four blessings on earth and the strong relationship my husband and I have now because of the trials we have been through and the journey we are on. Most importantly, I am thankful for my salvation and my relationship with my heavenly Father. I hope and pray that, through our story, I can be a blessing and encouragement to those who have walked through the heartbreaking journey of losing a baby or having a child with cancer by telling them of the hope, comfort, love, and strength that only God can offer.
“Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man that trust in Him.”
-Psalm 34:8.
But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, establish, strengthen, settle you.”
– 1Peter 5:10.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope through the power of the Holy Ghost.”
– Romans 15:13.
I don’t know what the future holds but I trust the One who does know, for He sees the storm from the other side, and He already sees the rainbows when we only see the clouds.
God is good and I am always loved. – Ann Voskamp
-Melinda
Hope Mom to Baby Spikes and Annalee Marie Spikes
I am the Daughter of my Heavenly Father, the wife of an amazing , loving, & supportive husband of almost 23 yrs & the mom of 4 earthly “Blessings” & 2 “Blessings” in Heaven. I am blessed to be able to be a Stay at home mom. Currently we are on the path of Chemo treatments with our 4 yr old daughter but through it all God has been faithful in walking with us on this journey as well.
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