Ask the Blog Team: How Did You Handle the Challenges that Come With Pregnancy After Loss?

Welcome to our Q+A series, Ask the Blog Team. In this series, the Hope Mommies blog team joins together to answer questions that are commonly asked in grief. If there is a question or topic that you have wrestled with in your grief that you would like the opportunity to see how other Hope Moms have processed or answered, we would love to hear from you. You can submit your questions here.

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I recently found out I was pregnant after many years of trying after loss. We are elated, but I find myself slightly guarded as well. Each time a fearful thought creeps in I’m trying to turn it over immediately to Jesus in prayer. I’m also working on enjoying and savoring every single day. No matter how many days or weeks I will know this little one alive, I want to enjoy it as a gift from the Lord. I have learned how precious that time is and how quickly it goes by; I don’t want to waste a moment sitting in fear or wondering what if.

Wow! This is an understatement. I’m 8 weeks postpartum with our son and I must say I am so very relieved to not be pregnant anymore and to have our beautiful boy in my arms. It took so much work to grab hold of hope and joy and not let go during pregnancy. I needed Jesus every single day. It was spiritually challenging, because how I trusted God changed in my grief. Instead of praying for what I wanted and believing He would give it to me, I trusted in His goodness even in times of loss and sorrow. It became hard for me to pray for my new baby’s life or health. All I could muster to pray is “Your will be done.” I felt like praying anything other than God’s will was not truly trusting God. Although it is good to trust in God’s goodness during hardship, I needed to find enough hope and faith to pray with confidence over my baby’s life. It took until the end of pregnancy, but I was finally able to hold both trust in sorrow and hope of good things simultaneously.

I have said that carrying my baby after loss was the second hardest thing I have done—second only to losing my son. My son was stillborn at more than 37 weeks, and since it was a cord accident, my reality became rooted in knowing that anything could happen until I was holding my child. I had to go the whole pregnancy without the naïveté of getting past a certain point on the calendar where I could breathe a sigh of relief. But, I trusted the Lord. I gave my worries and fears to Him. I knew that no matter the outcome, He would see me through.

I had to choose to trust God with the plan He had for my baby’s life—each day full of thankfulness for the time we had been given together, regardless of what the future may hold. Week after week, as I watched my body grow, I chose to remember that each moment with this baby was a gift. I anchored my hope in God—the Author of Life—because I knew that He is faithful, He is sovereign, and He is good. 

It certainly wasn’t easy. Each and every day I battled against the anxiety that tried to creep its way into my heart, and there were plenty of opportunities for me to give in to the fear and doubt that constantly surrounded me. I was considered high risk because of complications that came up early in my pregnancy. The doctor I was transferred to was more interested in telling me what he thought I could have done to prevent my previous losses than in caring for me during my current pregnancy. And my delivery was traumatic because our baby didn’t respond well to the contractions.

But each time I was faced with the fear of the future—the fear of losing another baby—I fixed my eyes on the One who was greater than my fears. And day after day, by God’s grace, I found that I was able to rest in His sufficiency for me.

Every sonogram after our miscarriage was a walk of faith. I’d briefly tell the sonographer that we’d lost a baby after finding no heartbeat at a regular appointment, and asked if she’d tell me the moment she saw or heard the heartbeat on the screen. This helped me so much because the sonographer would make it a point to check right away, and the relief of knowing right away was so helpful. I think bringing others into the pain of the past (in a non-dramatic way) helped them be sensitive. Each and every time I heard a heartbeat, or saw a little heart pumping away on the screen, was an answered prayer, and I didn’t take those moments for granted.

As I write this, I’m pregnant for the second time after loss. It’s still hard. I still wake up some nights and check for blood. There are definitely certain milestones in my pregnancy that calm my heart, like when I make it further gestationally than my losses. But we know all too well that there is no guarantee at any stage of gestation or after birth. And that’s where I have to rest in the fact that God holds me, my future, and my baby’s future in His hands, whatever future that may be. I’ve also got some great cheerleaders encouraging me daily and I love being part of the New Blessings group to remind me I’m not alone.

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