Megan’s Retreat Experience

I found out about Hope Mommies through a Hope Box at my local hospital after I had just birthed my daughter Ellie at 15 weeks when my OB could find no heart beat at my appointment earlier that day. My family had just left and my husband lay sleeping in the chair beside me. could not sleep in that uncomfortable hospital bed and could not block out the traumatic experience i had just gone through having to say goodbye to my baby girl. 

The nurse walked in and handed me a box saying, “When you get ready you can look at this. There is a local community of women who donate these to help women who have gone through miscarriage.” In my head all I could thing was. “Help? How can anything help with this immense pain I am feeling?” So I sat the box on the table and tried to go to sleep.

As I lay there, all I could think about was that box. If someone was trying to help me, I needed to let them because I knew I couldn’t do this on my own—the pain was too much to bear. So I open the box and read the hand written note from another Hope Mommy. I remember, even in the midst of the tears, that the pressure in my chest eased up just a little bit. Then I got to the Spotify card and got my phone out and started listening to the playlists they put together. As I listened, I felt Jesus’ presence in my hospital room surrounding me with warmth and love. 

Of course all of the self care gifts in the Hope Box were wonderful, but when I got to the pamphlet and read the stories of the other Hope Mommies I felt a glimmer of hope in my heart. Here were women who had survived the same unexplainable pain and heartbreak that I was feeling.

Soon after, I found out about the upcoming Hope Mommies Retreat. I wanted to attend and get help with the grieving process because everything was still so new and I was feeling lost. I had not yet been able to go to a local chapter meeting with Hope Mommies due to my husband’s schedule. Being new to the area, we didn’t have anyone who could provide childcare for my living daughter, Emma.

I was telling my husband about this retreat, and with sad eyes he said, “That sounds like it would be really good for you, but we just can’t afford that right now.” I accepted his answer and tried to move on, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

I was constantly on the website—reading the blogs and looking at all the information for the retreat—and stumbled across a financial scholarship to be able to attend. I submitted an application right away. I didn’t think I would be chosen out of the hundreds of women who I was certain had already applied, but I was! I was so excited and nervous.

During the weeks leading up to the retreat my nerves started kicking in hardcore, and I wanted to back out. Then I started getting retreat emails and I saw how much time and prayer and effort these ladies put into setting up retreat. They were so excited to meet me and get to celebrate Ellie’s life with me. When the weekend of the retreat arrived, I drove the five hours to camp by myself because I didn’t know any other Hope Mommies at the time. I turned on the Spotify playlist that I had first discovered from my Hope Box and worshipped the whole way there. The drive there was beautiful being spring time, and I stopped to take a few pictures with fields of wildflowers and just sit in awe of God’s handiwork. 

It was a happy drive with no tears or nerves until I got to the driveway of the camp. Suddenly I thought, “I must be crazy! Why am I here? I don’t know how to be open about my feelings in front of a bunch of women!” I came so close to turning around. But I pulled in and walked around to find the registration room. 

As soon as I told them my name, one of the ladies jumped up from her table and said, “Oh you’re Ellie’s mom!”

She came around and wrapped me in the biggest hug she could. I started to cry because right there on my name tag under my own name it said: Hope Mommy to Ellisynn Faye. That was the first time I had seen my daughter’s name written somewhere and the first time someone had said her name to me.

The lady hugging me told me that I was actually in her small group for the weekend, and then she said, “I hope its okay that I called her Ellie. I know her name is Ellisynn, but while I was praying over you in the weeks before retreat I just kept hearing Ellie as her name. I was so taken back that this woman I had never met had being praying over me.

I immediately felt at peace in this place with these people who were all so sweet and caring. Everything was so well thought out—the worship leader and the speaker, the rooms and small group pairings, even the serenity of the venue itself.

I left feeling so empowered when I thought I would feel empty. I felt whole instead of in pieces, because after hearing the stories of the women in my small group I felt I had a piece of them in my heart. I left retreat with many new friends, and they became crucial to me when I went through two more miscarriages in the following months. Every single one of them was there for me with kind words and encouragement.

I thought I would go to the retreat once to get some help with my grief and then never go back. Now, I can’t imagine not going every single year, and I share Hope Mommies with everyone I can!

Megan is a small town country girl who enjoys the simple things in life.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.