Marli’s Story

I once heard grief explained as if it were an ocean. We walk along the shore admiring the waves and then they unexpectedly brush against our feet. Sometimes the waves stay around our ankles, sometimes they carry us out waist deep, and sometimes they overwhelm us as if we were drowning; but at the end of the day we always end up back upon the shore being carried by our heavenly Father.

I have always clung to Esther 4:14, “For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” It’s hard to believe that I was, in part, created for this moment in time—that in my deep sorrow and grief I, similarly to Esther though in a different sense, may bring some kind of hope out of my sorrow to other moms who are hurting. I find it hard to fathom that God knew this day would come in my life. Although I did not feel prepared for the pain; God was preparing me slowly over the years without my knowing.

I remember being told for the first time that I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). Doctors told me that having a baby would be difficult and might not even become a reality, but I knew God could do miracles; so I began to pray. I prayed for our child until I would weep. I would cry out to God with my deepest desires, asking Him to bless us with a precious child. I often would close each prayer with, “And I will give our child back to You.” Little did I know how that that pray would become a reality.

October 23, 2016 was the day my and my husband’s lives changed. All sorts of emotions filled us—hands shaking, hearts racing—but we thanked God that we were getting our answer to our prayers. Over the next few months we heard our baby’s heartbeat, and found out our baby was a boy and was healthy. Nothing could contain our love and excitement. We cherished things that every new family cherishes. I read to him, sang to him, and we took him to church. He loved four-wheeler rides, kicking his daddy in the back. I loved to feel him hiccup every morning. God was allowing us to experience these precious moments without worry and full of joy. We were never under the impression that our baby boy had anything wrong. So we dreamed big and couldn’t wait for that day we would hold him in our arms.

Then the day came, June 11, 2017. That Sunday morning, our sweet baby was ready to make his way into the world. When the labor pains would hit I would quote, “The Lord never puts too much on us that we cannot bear with His strength,” but little did I know that I was about to learn how much His strength would enable me to endure. After they told us Rhett was breech and we needed an emergency C-section, I drifted off to the most beautiful, amazing, powerful sound in the world of his tiny heart beating. I was thinking that when I awoke we would have a precious baby to hold. When I came to, I awoke to the sight of my husband holding his own head in his hands, speechless and numb. Doctors filled the room explaining our situation. I felt helpless, shocked, scared, and angry. They wheeled me into a room where they were holding our baby. As I saw him for the first time, time stood still. A fighter to say the least, he was perfect in every way. I began to take everything in: his fingers, and his brown curly hair. As I held his hand, I began to pray. Our God can perform miracles, so surely He could handle this?

As they air lifted our son, I had my mother write 1 Timothy 1:7 upon the whiteboard: “For God does not give us the spirit of fear, but of power, love and of a sound mind.” Everything I needed in that moment. I was overwhelmed with fear and doubt, but as I recited this verse I could feel God beginning to comfort me in ways I cannot comprehend. In the pain God never left my side, even when I would cry out in anger; He stayed by me. I prayed for healing, I prayed to somehow take his place, but God had a plan that I didn’t know or understand. God healed Rhett after 13 hours. He healed him of everything he was fighting, the sins of this world, and the pain he might have had to endure that we as his parents would never have known about. Although I did not have peace in that moment; He granted me comfort.

God used our son’s life to teach me more of what true love really is. He showed me how hard it is to love and let go; though beyond my full understanding, I understood more of what He had to do with His own son, Jesus. I remember in my anger I was yelling at God asking why He had to take our son, when He knew how it felt to have a child to die. Not only did He provide comfort for us, but He was hurting with us. I finally saw God’s sacrifice in John 3:16. He let His son die for me and for you. I cannot imagine the pain He felt that day—even beyond the human unbearable pain of losing your only son.

Today I am still clinging to God’s promises, but instead of reading them and going on with life—I am actually believing, walking, and dwelling in them. I have come to realize that God’s promises written for me by Him were given for me to trust in and rest upon. I was once afraid of death, life, and the unknown, but now I look to the sky in excitement that it may split open any moment and take us home. I now have a precious treasure of a child in heaven, but until I am there, I know our son is praising God right now. I rest knowing that Rhett is singing and dancing in front of the throne of God making Him smile. Until then, I will cling to God and His promises for the rest of my life. No matter what doctors tell us—no matter the unknown, or what the devil tries to throw our way—I know that because of God I can make it through any storm. I know who holds tomorrow, my life, my future, and me. That is why I put my trust in the Lord, for He has a plan for me in Christ (Jeremiah 29:11).

I live in Broken Bow, Oklahoma with my husband Shawn, our hope baby Rhett, and our dog Sadie. I am a stay-at-home-mom, blogger, and photographer. I love the outdoors, singing, sewing, reading; but most importantly spending time with God, Shawn, our family, and friends.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.