Known

“Imagine a priceless vase or ornament is dropped on the floor and smashed to pieces. The woman who loved it kneels down. She picks up the pieces, one by one. She looks at each one in detail, turning it round, as if to remember where it once belonged. The vase was loved and so when it was shattered, every piece was worth picking up, no matter how small. A grieving person will often want to talk about the smallest detail of their loss. It is as if every broken piece is taken up and wept over. When you listen, you may feel that the detail was small, but it is part of something that was supremely valued, part of something dearly loved” (Colin Smith). Our Hope Babies are unique, precious, supremely valued, and dearly loved gifts from God to us; through this series, we speak about them together and remember them.  

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My daughter was born with her eyes closed. When I recall that painful day sitting in the hospital, counting her precious fingers and toes over and over again while I held her tiny frame in my hands, I wonder what color those little eyes were.
I never even got to see my first baby that was born into heaven.

There are so many details about my babies that my heart aches to know. I wish I knew what makes them laugh, what their favorite color is, or if they have dimples when they smile. I wish I knew if they were left-handed like me, or right-handed like their daddy.

When I think of all that I don’t know about my precious babies, another layer of my grief is uncovered. All of the unknowns pile up and add weight to the already heavy burden of loss that I carry. And then to add injury to the sorrow, the devil often tries to use this unknowing to weigh down my heart with false guilt and shame—to make me feel as though I have failed my babies, because I don’t know them as I long to know them.

When people ask me about my children who are now in heaven—asking about things that I feel like I should know about them as their mother—it pains me to have to answer, “I just don’t know.” …and I won’t ever know on this side of eternity.

But even though there is so much that will remain unknown by me about my children, they are not unknown. They are perfectly and completely known by God. What deep comfort this truth brings to my weary heart.

“But God’s firm foundation stands, bearing this seal:
‘“The Lord knows those who are His.”’
2 Timothy 2:19

To belong to God is to be known by Him. Our babies have been known and loved from before the beginning of time itself. They are graven on the palms of His hands (Isaiah 49:12). They are never out of His mind. There is no moment when His eyes are off them, He relinquishes His attention towards them, or His care for them wavers. They are fully known. (1 Corinthians 13:12)

Psalm 139 gives us  further insight into just how much our babies are known.

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
 intricately woven in the depths of the earth.”
Psalm 139:1-4, 13-15

Nothing about our babies is hidden from God. Not a single detail of their lives remains a mystery to Him. He knows their thoughts before they speak a word. He is acquainted with all of their ways—He is, after all, the one who formed their precious bodies within you. Why, even the hairs on their head are all numbered. (Luke 12:7a)

“I am the good shepherd. I know My own and My own know Me,
just as the Father knows Me and I know the Father;
and I lay down my life for the sheep.”
John 10:14-15

What an amazing depth of knowledge that is! Our babies are known by God to the same degree that the Father and Son are known by each other. For them to be known in this capacity is evidence that our babies have been given significant value and worth in God’s economy. We can be sure that our babies could not possibly be more known—more valued and loved—than they already are.

When I look at the shelf where my babies’ ultrasound photos stand in their frames, and wonder just who these beloved children would have grown to be had they remained on earth, I find great comfort in the knowledge, that while, at this time, the answer to this question will remain a mystery to me, God knows. Someday, when God has purposed for me to leave this earth behind, I too shall know them. I will see my children—eyes opened—and know for myself what color their eyes are and whether they have dimples when they smile. I will know everything I need to know about them. And in the meantime, I can rest in the knowledge that my babies are already known.

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Ashlee is the Editorial Coordinator for Hope Mommies. She and her husband, Jesse, have four children on earth and two little ones in Heaven. You can get to know her more by reading her blog, Beyond Undone.

 

 

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