Kelly’s Story
Four children had always been the dream. Getting married in my mid 30’s meant that if there was any shot of that dream becoming a reality, my husband and I would need to start having children pretty quickly. About a year after our wedding, we found out we were pregnant with our first son, Rhett. Over the next three years, we added another son, Hayes, to the mix as well as our daughter, Sawyer. Having three kids in under three years was challenging at times, but we loved it. We were eager to add a fourth and final child to our family, but for various reasons and circumstances, it was taking far longer than it had with our first three. However, despite not getting pregnant month after month, I always felt like there was someone missing. Someone else that was a part of our family. And in November of 2019, my dream became a reality when we finally got a positive pregnancy test. I collapsed onto the bathroom floor, tears flooding my eyes. After 18 long months of trying to conceive, my “someone” was finally here.
However, that joy was short lived as I soon began to experience a loss of pregnancy symptoms, which lead to progesterone supplements, a lot of unknowns, and ultimately an anatomy scan at 19 weeks, when two brain cysts were discovered. While we were told that most of these cysts go away on their own, they could also be an indicator of something more serious. We scheduled a follow up sonogram a month later, and in between the first and second scans, a global pandemic took over the world—everyone and everything went into lockdown. Which meant that for my follow up sonogram, my husband could not be with me.
I walked into the hospital, scared and alone. Everything about that day felt off. I had hoped it was the pandemic, but the possible realities of what we would discover that day were weighing heavily. I couldn’t believe I was having to do this by myself. But in the waiting room, God brought to mind Joshua 1:9, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” And I was reminded that I wasn’t alone; Jesus was there.
He was there as the sonographer turned on the machine and I saw that the brain cysts were still present. He was there as my doctor told me she wanted me to see a fetal cardiologist— immediately. He was there as I took the elevator up six floors and stepped into a maternal fetal specialist’s office that I would later become very familiar with. He was there as the cardiologist performed a fetal echocardiogram while my husband was on speakerphone. He was there as she explained that our son had a hole in his heart and would need open heart surgery when he was three days old. And He was there when, 10 days later, on April 7, 2020, my OB called and delivered the hardest news we’ve ever received: our son had been conceived with the genetic condition of Trisomy 18.
Words cannot fully express what it was like to hear those words. I’ve never been more convinced that it was like an earthly experience of hell. Everything in my mind went dark, and I felt like I was falling faster and faster, having no idea when I would land or what shape I would be in when I did. It was terrifying. It felt like there was nothing there to catch me.
But God.
Just moments after what seemed like an eternity, God reminded me that this baby boy’s life was determined before the creation of time. There was nothing that we could have done to change his condition. He was not an accident, nor was his diagnosis. He was conceived with a purpose and a plan for his life, no matter how long or short that life would be.
That truth brought with it an honor and a privilege that we were the ones chosen to be this baby boy’s parents. God knew that we would love him with everything we had. That we would be the ones who would willingly and lovingly sacrifice so much for him. That we would be the ones that would carry him in our hearts until the day we meet him again in heaven. To say that we felt thankful would be an understatement.
We trusted and believed that God would be with us every step of the way. At the time we had no idea the numerous ways He would love and care for us through His Holy Spirit and through His people.
A couple of weeks later, we chose a name for our precious boy. Reeves Joshua Griffin. Reeves means steward, which fit perfectly because we felt like we’d been given the honorable task of stewarding his precious life. We chose Joshua for his middle name because it means God is our salvation. Not only is God our salvation for eternity, but He was our daily salvation from despair during those first few months.
Though Covid limited what we could do and we had to quarantine from those we loved most, we did our best to make memories with Reeves. We took him to the lake, went berry picking, hunted Easter eggs, celebrated holidays, and spent a lot of time reading to him, singing to him and praying for a miracle. Our oldest three children got to feel him kick, and we talked about the things he would experience in heaven one day. Our friends and family surrounded us and brought meals, groceries, and gifts each week on the days I had doctor appointments. They prayed with us and for us and served us in so many countless other ways. The Lord was near and present at every turn, through His Spirit and through His people. He was faithful and compassionate to us in the midst of our suffering.
About a week before I would go into labor, I was driving home and the reality of what we were about to walk through became paralyzing. I was distraught and felt like a caged animal—I did not want to have this baby and go through the unspeakable pain that I knew was to come, and yet I couldn’t keep him in forever. I cried out to the Lord and told Him how badly I didn’t want to go through this. But there was no easy way out. We were going to have to walk through our worst fear. And in that most raw and vulnerable moment, God spoke Isaiah 43:2-3 into my hurting heart and grief-stricken mind.
”When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.”
We are not guaranteed a life without suffering and without pain. In fact, the Bible actually guarantees that believers will encounter trials, hardship, and sorrow. But God’s promises are true, and they are greater than any of the tragic or hard things we will encounter on this side of eternity. And that truth gave me the courage to move forward.
One week later, on July 2, at 37 weeks pregnant, we had the immense joy of meeting Reeves face to face and introducing him to his family and many friends. While we were told to expect only a few hours with Reeves, in God’s mercy, He gave us another three days with our boy. Days we knew we were never promised. We sang worship songs over him, prayed over him, told him all about his brothers and sister and his extended family and friends, and even shared about our own childhoods. We knew Reeves wouldn’t be with us long enough to know the people we spoke of or to understand the stories we shared, but we still wanted him to hear them.
Those are days we will never forget as we experienced God’s nearness like never before—when time was suspended between life and death and those hospital rooms became holy ground. Where the Holy Spirit was palpable. When the veil between heaven and earth grew thin and we could almost feel His glory.
On July 5, we continued our walk through the flames as we said goodbye to our son and ushered him into eternity. Nothing about that day was easy, but we clung to the hope that we will see Reeves again one day. While this is never the story we would have written for ourselves or for our son, we would do it all again for the chance to spend our days with him, both in and out of the womb. We will never regret saying yes to life. Reeves has changed us for the better and made us love Jesus more, and we will forever be grateful that God chose us to be his parents.
- Kelly G
Hope Mom to Reeves Joshua Griffin
Kelly has been married to her husband, Justin, for nine years and they live in Dallas, Texas. Together they are raising their three living children, sons, Rhett (7) and Hayes (5), and daughter, Sawyer (4). Kelly spends her days as a stay at home mom and COO of the Griffin household. Most weekends she can be found on the ball fields watching her kids play sports or spending time with friends and family. Kelly and her family love to travel as well as play games, ride bikes, watch football, and try to stay cool in the Texas heat.
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