Choose Hope: Testimony
It had been three years since my first loss. Three years since National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day first felt significant to me. This year, October 15 caught me by surprise. With all of the changes brought about by a recent move and an ever shifting season of life, it had completely escaped my radar. When I realized what day it was, I ran out to grab balloons and helium so that we could do a small balloon release as a family after our kids got home from school. Most of our belongings were in storage as our family was attending a four month training residency at the time, so the items that we would typically get out as we remembered our precious Hope Babies weren’t available.
As the afternoon wore on, I felt increasingly more guilty. I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t had the foresight to plan a remembrance for our babies ahead of time. I was embarrassed that I had been so distracted by the daily rhythms of life that I had let this national day of awareness come upon me suddenly. How could I have been so careless? Why hadn’t I thought to keep our Hope Boxes out of storage? The feelings of failure that I had battled so intensely during the early days of my grief resurfaced with a vengeance.
I picked up the kids from school, started filling balloons with helium, and gathered everyone around the table to write messages to our babies in heaven. As my husband and I were sitting together with our children, all of us sharing memories and the hope of heaven, the Lord reminded my grieving heart that my love for my babies was not dependent upon the grandeur of our remembrances.
We headed outside, balloons in hand, and walked down the street to a hill a few blocks away. It had grown dark by the time we climbed to the top, the only light coming from a street lamp at the bottom of the hill. There was no one else in sight to witness our release—just our little family standing there, longing for heaven.
We sang a hymn, prayed together, and released our balloons, filled with sweet messages of our love, into the clear evening sky. We stood there together quietly, the six of us, straining in the darkness to watch as the balloons floated out of sight, and then started downhill again to head back home. There wasn’t much conversation among us afterwards. I didn’t share any pictures of our evening or post about what we had done. October 15 slipped away as quickly as it had come upon us.
And it ended up being just what my heart needed.
Sweet mommas, how you choose to remember your babies in heaven does not need to be based on what anyone else around you is doing or expects you to do. There is no standard that you have to adhere to. No tradition that you have to maintain. Perhaps you would rather gather family and friends around you as you celebrate the lives of your babies, or maybe you would prefer for your remembrances to be quiet, intimate affairs. The way you choose to remember your babies might even change drastically from year to year. There is no right or wrong way.
As we approach National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day this year, give yourself permission to spend it however feels most meaningful to you. Light a candle, host a balloon release, spend the day journaling, gather with friends, slip away to a quiet place by yourself. Remind yourself that the amount of planning and preparing you do for October 15, or any other day for that matter, does not define your love for your Hope Baby. Did you hear me? There is no correlation. So give yourself grace, listen to your heart, and hold on to hope as you remember your precious baby.
We’d like to invite you, Hope Moms, friends and families, to join us
for a special online event during the Wave of Light at 7pm CENTRAL TIME.
This one hour zoom call will be hosted by Kristin Hernandez and worship will be led by Whitney Krusee. We pray you will join us for this special time, set-apart, with a message of HOPE and to PRAISE and WORSHIP the God we love—the God who holds our children until we can again.
SAVE THIS LINK TO JOIN THE ZOOM CALL OCTOBER 15th.
Kristin Hernandez is a writer, podcaster, and mother to six children––one in her arms and five with Jesus. She has walked through infertility, miscarriages, and the loss of an infant, and is passionate about sharing hope with grieving women. Her first book Sunlight in December: A Mother’s Story of Finding the Goodness of God in the Storm of Grief released last summer. Kristin enjoys sunny days outside with family, connecting with friends over coffee, roller coasters, and telling others about Jesus’ goodness in the midst of suffering. She lives in Southern California with her husband and living son.
Whitney Krusee is a wife, mom, friend, worship leader, and follower of Jesus who does all she can to live out His calling for her life. She lent her voice to the HOPE EP (Flourish, 2018) that we place in our Hope Boxes and led worship at our spring and fall retreats in 2020. You can listen to her beautiful voice here. She has two precious ones in heaven and lives in Austin, TX with her husband and daughter. She is looking forward to leading our hearts to His in worship on October 15th.
Here is a social media template you can download and add your Hope Baby(ies) name(s) to for October 15th and the Wave of Light.
If you do choose to share a photo of your October 15 remembrance this year, you can share your experience with the Hope Mommies community by using #HopeMommiesOct15
- Ashlee
Hope Mom to Simeon and Odelle
Ashlee is the Editorial Coordinator for Hope Mommies and author of I AM (Hope Mommies, 2017) and Identity (Hope Mommies, 2018). She and her husband, Jesse, live in Milwaukee with their children—five on earth and two in heaven.
Are you a writer who would like to join the blog team? Learn more and apply here.
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