Kaylyn’s Story

One day life for our growing family seemed perfect. Being 39 weeks pregnant, we decided to take a family day to make memories together before becoming a family of four. We anticipated big changes ahead for our family and wanted to make the most of the moments beforehand.

The next day, we found out that something unexplainable and incomprehensible had happened.

We delivered our 39 week son, stillborn. Devastated and confused was only the beginning of the mountain of feelings we were confronted with. We were left sifting through the cobwebs of emotions, trying to discern how to hold onto hope in the darkest of seasons. We found ourselves entrenched in the battle of grief.

One minute you are an expectant family of three, excitedly waiting for the newest arrival. The next, you are grappling with the news that your newest arrival won’t be coming home.

There is still no explanation, no earthly reason why. No cord issues, no heart conditions, nothing was wrong. Everything was perfect. We will never know why. And knowing why would never satisfy the ache in our hearts. This is the place I was being pushed into: a place of blind trust and fervent hope. For without trust in God’s greater plan and hope in His purpose for this suffering, how could I move forward?

“For we do not grieve as those who have no hope.” 1 Thessalonians 4:13

We grieve, how we grieve. We are numb, saddened, angry and crushed. But we have this hope.

This hope gets us out of bed every day.
This hope makes us soak in every second with our two year old.
This hope tells us that it’s okay to have hard days.
This hope tells us God is holding our little boy even while wrapping His arms around us.

And we make a new way of living in this hope, finding the little graces in each moment of every day, and picking apart seemingly insignificant happenings and being joyful in the midst of each circumstance. Because this is ”being thankful in all things” (1 Thessalonians 5:18). Dwelling in the little graces surrounds us with God’s faithfulness and reminds us of His big grace.

Daily I put on this cloak of thankfulness to keep my vision clear. To be thankful for the moments of play with my two year old. For the patience and care my husband has showered over me. For the family that graciously housed and fed us for weeks on end. For the community that rose up and surrounded us with love and prayer.

As I do this, as I intentionally seek out these moments, I see Jesus everywhere. I am reminded that He does not abandon, that He sees our pain, and I begin to grasp the truth that He knows. He knows we are hurting and confused. He knows we don’t understand and long for clarity. He knows it all. So I am crawling into a new place of being raw and honest with Jesus, telling Him I am sad and hurt, sitting at His feet and weeping.

We are told that no two snowflakes are the same. And just how many snowflakes have fallen since the world was created? We are told no two people are the same. And just how many people have walked on the earth since God formed it into being? God is detailed and creative, and He cares and listens. That is astounding to me. He paints the sunsets and sunrises continually over the world day after day, and He still cares about me. He hears the prayers of His people from all over the world at the same time, and He still hears my cries.

How can I not run into the arms of a God like this? For a God who is big enough to create the world and loving enough to sit with me while I cry is a God I want to know more. This is a God I want to trust. This is a God I want beside me at all times, through all circumstances.

My little family is walking a long, hard road. But we are not alone. We walk with each other, and we are following God through it all. He can see what’s ahead, and yet we are taken to places that are bumpy and rough. Sometimes it feels like we are crawling through the valley, desperate for the mountain view, but we can only move forward by trusting our Guide. And we know that the way He is leading us will tell the world His story, the story of His grace and love.

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