Discussions in Grief: Anger

Grieving involves new emotions and considerations often too many to numbers. When you find yourself in overwhelming grief, you likely feel buried and lost. In this series, we slowly and compassionately look at one aspect of grief at a time from a biblical perspective for the newly grieving mother. Click {here} to read past posts in this series. 

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Anger. It is a part of the grief process. When we grieve, we are supposed to experience anger… at least that’s what the “experts” tell us.

I do not consider myself an angry person, so when the son my husband and I desired so deeply was born still nine days before his due date, I wasn’t really surprised that I moved through the anger stage fairly quickly. So quickly I hardly even noticed it.

Or maybe I didn’t actually go through that stage at all right after my son died.

Eight long months later when I became pregnant again, I was ecstatic. The world would be right again. We would have our three children—just like we planned.

And then there was the sonogram four months later. The sonogram I thought would confirm a healthy baby boy. But the sonogram confirmed a healthy baby girl instead.

What? God, I have a dresser full of baby boy clothes. We have a boy named picked out. God, why would you take my son and not give me another son?

And the anger set in. Not anger about a healthy baby girl. I was thrilled. But I began to experience anger as I was grieving for my son. What a lot of emotions! Elation about a healthy baby girl, but anger over not having my son. Anger. Finally.

God and I wrestled. We did. I poured out my heart to Him. I lamented, and yet, I rejoiced. And God loved me. Anger tried to take root, but I stood on the promises of God, and I knew He was for me. I knew God wanted good for me. I knew God saw me.

“I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss.
Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this:

The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease.
Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!”
-Lamentations 3:20-24 (NLT)

“Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord  forever.”
-Psalm 23:6

Sometimes life doesn’t seem fair. Why do they get to keep their babies but we didn’t? Why did God allow our children to die?

Sometimes we get so angry with God and even other people—innocent other people. People that we think should understand. But how can they truly understand? They haven’t experienced our sorrow. They really do not—cannot—understand.

Dear grieving mama, do we really want another mother to experience our level of grief? No, we do not. Never. Ever. Throughout the past 21 years, I have hugged moms and held their hands after their loss and could only utter the words, “I’m so, so sorry.” Now when I see moms excitedly showing their baby bumps and throwing reveal parties, I pray, “Lord, please protect that little one. Let that mama never, ever know my pain.”

Dear Mama, give your anger to the Lord. Talk to Him about your sorrow. Let Him heal you. It’s okay to be angry. But it is not okay to stay there. Wrestle with God. Go ahead and do it. He can handle it. He’s waiting, longing to show you His love and compassion for you. But wrestle fair. Be willing for Him to strip you of pride, jealousy, bitterness, and anger. Be willing for Him to remove the indignation that you think you feel entitled to. The voice that says, “I can be mad at God and mad at my friends and relatives and their happiness. I deserve to be mad at them.”

God will meet you where you are and He will exchange your bitterness and anger for love and compassion. He is that kind of a God.

“But you, O Lord,
    are a God of compassion and mercy,
slow to get angry
    and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.
Look down and have mercy on me.
    Give your strength to your servant;
    save me, the son of your servant.”
Psalm 86:15-16

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Shelly D. Templin is an author, speaker and blogger that shares a message of hope—with humor. She has three daughters, a son-in-law, and a granddaughter. Shelly lives in Texas with her husband, Jack, of 29 years and their two dogs.

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