Sarah’s Story
Holden’s pregnancy was like many first pregnancies. We were thrilled and couldn’t wait to meet our first baby. Holden and I were both very healthy and we naively believed nothing could go wrong. A nursery was lovingly painted and created, books were read together, my diet was the healthiest it had ever been, and we enjoyed reading any and all pregnancy books and updates on our phones’ pregnancy apps. We were so grateful God was giving us a chance to be parents to a son. Life was perfect.
On August 28, 2010, Chet and I were filled with joy and hopeful nerves as we realized I must be in “real” labor. After a call to L&D, we jumped in the car and headed to the hospital. I had felt Holden’s little movements all morning, along with contractions, until we got about 50 minutes from our home. I told Chet, and we both guessed that babies didn’t move as much in active labor.
We snapped photos of my huge belly outside of the hospital on the warm, beautiful morning. We wanted to have these moments documented to show our son one day. We were in no hurry, and since I knew first labors are often long, we took our time savoring each moment of the day. Our sweet nurse, Harriett, met us in Labor and Delivery and helped me in the gown. We were grabbing things like our camera and planning who to call first with the exciting news.
The doppler was then placed on my stomach. Silence. We looked at each other confused, but figured our “stubborn” baby must have moved. Two more dopplers were used. Still silence. This time the silence was deafening as nurses flocked to our room. We knew something was very wrong. My mind became fuzzy at this time, as the nurses called our doctor and specialist, who both happened to be in the hospital at that time. Chet and I were pleading with God for a miracle, and hoping the dopplers were faulty. I knew what this meant, but I still refused to believe it. The doctors ordered an immediate ultrasound. I will never forget the look on Dr. P’s face as she told me the truth when I asked her to not water anything down.
“Sarah, this is not good.”
The ultrasound confirmed our worst fears. The moment we found out our most precious gift had already gone to his eternal home, Dr. A grabbed our hands and prayed the most beautiful prayer I have ever been blessed to be a part of. God’s love enveloped us at that moment. Hopefully there will never be a time in our lives that we ever get more life-changing and devastating news, yet the circle of love during that prayer, amongst Dr. P, Harriett, Dr. A, Holden, and the two of us was more powerful than I can even write about.
I cannot describe the pain. No one can understand that kind of pain, unless you have experienced it yourself. Yet there was such a peace that passes all understanding at the same time.
We made phone calls to our families and a few friends. Immediately, we were covered in prayers and love from so many people. Their prayers and love are what carried us through that Saturday, and they still carry us through. Our families, both related and in Christ, were there to support us the whole day.
When we delivered our dear son, we felt indescribable love.
Every test imaginable was run to help give us an answer as to why our son did not live. The only answer was that Holden had a short cord (only 7 inches!), and likely during a big contraction the cord was pulled too tight, twisted, or bent. There was nothing anyone could have done; Jesus just had a reason for calling Holden home.
Holden’s service on Tuesday, August 31, was a day surrounded by the Lord and His love. Pastors Tommy Culwell and Reid Johnson gave a service that was filled with the Holy Spirit and touched every single person there. Our sister-in-law, Charity, sang two songs. During Amazing Grace, a light rain started falling. The sunrise and sunset are still vivid in my mind. It was a day we will hold dear to our hearts forever.
This was the beginning of a journey we will always be on. We love and miss our son every single moment, but we await that amazing day when we all will meet again.
- Sarah
Hope Mom to Holden Newell
Sarah is married to Aaron Maxwell. She and Aaron parent their blended family of four children on this earth and one in heaven in Prosper, TX.
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