Hannah’s Story

“God is faithful; He will not let you be tested beyond what you can bear. But when you are tested, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it” 1 Corinthians 10:13

I found out I was pregnant on my husband, Justin’s, birthday. To tell you I was excited would be an understatement. I was over the moon, off the walls excited! Being a mom is something I’ve wanted since I was a little girl with baby dolls. It is also something both Justin and I had talked about well before marriage and have been putting off because of school and life transitions. We were thrilled!

About eight weeks later, we lost our baby. 

The events unfolded over a span of four days. At the ER, the doctors found a baby, but no heartbeat. I was about eight weeks along with a baby who had not progressed passed five weeks. The next day, my doctor confirmed my worst fear, miscarriage.

My heart was devastated. My body was so exhausted. I cried a lot. I cried because a part of my mama instinct knew something was wrong from the beginning. I cried because my family was so far away. I cried because I felt extreme loss and loneliness. I cried because I was hurting for myself and for Justin.  

Healing came next. It was a process. I had to be still and let my body do its thing physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. There were hard moments and moments where I was okay. There were times when I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare, and moments when the shock of everything felt like a dream. Each day seemed to bring a new wave of emotions. In my grief, I was comforted by so many friends and family, some who even shared their stories of loss and hope. 

As my hormone levels decreased, I started feeling better and more like myself. The days passed, and the unbearable sting of the hurt seemed to lesson little by little.

With time, I began to see blessings in the loss rather than just the devastation. I didn’t have to have surgery as everything passed normally and with minimal effects. We also received confirmation that Justin and I could get pregnant again. I found myself amazed at God and praising Him for making our bodies the way He did, with the ability to heal from such a loss. 

I wanted to share all of this to proclaim hope where all seemed hopeless. No matter what we go through, God will give us the strength we need to get through it when we need it. Just like the manna provided for the Israelites, God gives us exactly what we need at the exact time. He is not early, nor He is late. His timing is perfect.  

Before our miscarriage, I had a long-standing fear of losing my baby. I knew the statistics: miscarriage is most likely in the first trimester. I had been blessed with one of my heart’s biggest desires, and I didn’t want to give it up. “How on earth could I even survive something like that?” I’d think to myself. I was scared that I was not strong enough to deal with what could happen, because I knew I personally didn’t have the strength in me. I tried my hardest to pretend that I had the strength, but I didn’t, and that was terrifying. 

However, in the midst of my miscarriage, I found myself to be very calm—at peace even—amidst the pain and devastation. Of course, the hurt and sadness were very present, but it was bearable. I had strength, but it was not of my own doing. God met me exactly where I was. He took my pain and gave me the strength I needed to endure the devastation of loss right when I needed it.

It was going to be okay; I was going to be okay. And you know what? I am okay. 

Months have passed, and I still have my moments. I still have my frustrations, fears, and tears. But there is still hope. I can’t wait to embark on this journey again—for us to hopefully become parents of another baby, one that we can hold and love on this side of eternity. There is always some fear of the unknown, but I have the confidence and faith that no matter what, God, in His love for us, will provide the strength, not only to get through it, but also to rise above it.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. ‘Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.’”
Matthew 6:25-34

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I am a woman with big dreams and big faith. I have been married to my husband, Justin, for five years, and we have three fur babies (Oakley, Presley, and Samson) and one baby in heaven. Justin and I met, fell in love, and even got engaged while working at Pine Cove Christian Camp. I am a Texas girl transplanted in the deep south. I went from being a Baylor Bear to an Auburn Tiger and learned a whole new meaning behind college football. Justin and I currently live in Auburn Alabama where I work at the University and Justin is finishing a second degree. We both love coffee (we dream to open a coffee shop one day), running, the mountains, buying new shoes, and of course Jesus. I enjoy writing, playing golf, shopping a Hobby Lobby, and cold cozy days by the fireplace.

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