God is Faithful in the Yearning

Written in bold letters next to Psalm 42 in my Bible is the word yearning. What a powerful word of desperation and neediness! I wrote that word during the first year of trying for a baby, because I would often cling to that Psalm for comfort. I related to the Psalmist’s sorrow being so powerful that it clouded his memory of the Lord. He felt forgotten, and I did too each time another announcement of a friend’s pregnancy surfaced.

I memorized verse 11: “Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; For I shall yet praise Him…” writing next to the word hope in bold letters: sure expectation! In the waiting, He taught me to hope in and wait for Him alone because He is the only sure expectation—His yes, His timing, and the promise of His return. Then, one month my yearning for a child ceased, and I was pregnant.

At 16 weeks and one day, my water broke, and a few days later our baby girl died at only 17 weeks old. My yearning for a baby turned into a deep, unrelenting yearning to just hold her body again. Our four hours together will never be enough. To this day, my entire soul yearns for her presence in my life, and my arms physically ache from her absence. This was a new type of yearning I thought I might not endure.

Over a year after Anna’s death, we find ourselves waiting again on another child. The Lord has not removed my instinctive desire to be fruitful, and, despite the fear, I fully embrace it because that is His design. But what He has done through these years of waiting to mother, is teach me to continue yearning for so much more of Himself—to want Him as Maker rather than want what He can make, to literally thirst for the comfort of His Word when I am sorrowful, and crave intimacy with Him like never before.

God is so faithful to give us this gift of yearning. Can you see that too? He teaches us to yearn for so much more when this world falls short of fully satisfying our desires. He gifted me with the desire for children and the desire to protect the only one that came from my womb. It is all a pure reflection of His desire for intimacy with me as His daughter—teaching me to yearn solely for Him, because that is how He created me.

“As the deer pants for the water brooks, so pants my soul for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.”
Psalm 42:1-2 (NKJV)

Once again, being in a phase of waiting is difficult. I find myself simultaneously yearning for Anna’s presence while still wanting another child to love and care for. It sometimes feels as though I’m turning my back on her. But then I recall that my wait on the Lord is leading me to the day when I will be reunited with her again in eternity. Thus, her absence has taught me to yearn for the future fulfillment of His promises with much more expectancy.

I don’t know what the Lord has for me next, but I know I can trust Him with my deepest desires and my yearnings as a mother. And that, my sisters, is the most freeing knowledge any mother in waiting can have. He knows, He understands, and He hears our cries. With that, we can wait patiently for Him alone, because our thirst for love and tender care is satisfied daily by Him.

I am married to Justin and Hope Mommy to Anna Joy. We live in sunny south Florida where I love reading, writing, teaching, and just being with family & friends! I work in the hospital as a RN, and humbly serve as volunteer Nurse Manager at our local pregnancy resource center, Care Net. My personal ministry passions include leading women to deeper understanding of Jesus’ truth through their marriage struggles, sexuality, and miscarriage.

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.