Cliche Comforts: “The Lord Doesn’t Give You More Than You Can Handle”

As grieving parents, I am sure all of us have encountered someone who tried to comfort us with a cliche that was probably not very comforting at all. Death makes people nervous. Especially a baby’s death in a culture that does not always recognize the value of children (at any age in the womb or out). 

At least in my experience, I have noticed that people do not know what to say to a grieving parent—or they do not always think through what they are saying. It is very easy to offer a cliche comfort or make a comment with no real substance to a grieving parent. I say it is easy because when I come into contact with someone else who is suffering in some way, it can still feel awkward saying more than I am sorry or more than God is in control. 

However, since I have been on the receiving side of words that are not actually comforting, I have learned that most people want more than cliche comforts in the midst of deep suffering. So, how do we address these comments as they come even if they hurt or offer us no comfort at all? And what do we do if they are completely unbiblical? 

I struggled with saying anything in response to the hurtful or untrue comments I received from usually well-meaning people. I thought it would be impolite, or I was so emotional and easily hurt, that I chose not to say things out of fear that I would lack self-control and unintentionally respond very harshly. As grieving mothers, we can be so emotional and hurt so much that a lot of comments that may not always bother us really hurt in the beginning. 

When I first lost my children, I knew that God was in control, I knew that He would be glorified, and I knew that I could honor Him by continuing to praise Him in the storm. What I didn’t do enough though was use those incorrect comments to point others to the beautiful truth found in God’s Word. It has taken me a few years to realize that it is okay to respond graciously to these comments and to try to discuss the wrong thinking behind them.

For example, has anyone ever told you that “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle?” I so disliked hearing this comment. First of all, it is not true. God never tells us in His Word that He will only give us what we can handle. In fact, the Bible repeatedly tells us we are weak and need to rely on God’s strength. 

In Second Corinthians, Paul says, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). 

In this passage, we see that it really is not about us or our strength at all. Christ’s power is made perfect in our weakness. God does not need us, and God will bring glory to Himself in every situation. So, saying that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle is wrong. God’s grace is sufficient for us, and it is not our power that sustains us, it’s His. 

Therefore, God does give us more than we can handle, but He never gives us more than He can handle. Knowing this beautiful truth is comforting because it’s a reminder that in the midst of your suffering the God of the universe is with and sustaining those who put their trust in Him. 

When Paul describes putting on the armor of God, he begins by stating, “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power” (Ephesians 6:10). All throughout the Word of God, we are told to rely on the Lord to deliver us, comfort us, sustain us, save us, etc. It is never our own strength or ability that helps us. 

So, if someone were to tell me this cliche comfort after learning about two of my four children dying, I pray that I would now share the gospel with them. I pray that I would graciously rebuke them and say that actually the Bible says that God does give us more than we can handle, yet because Jesus Christ lived a perfect, sinless life, died on the cross, and rose again conquering death, I no longer have to strive to live my life in my own strength. 

If the person telling me this cliche comfort is a fellow believer, I would simply ask how he or she came to this belief. Sometimes we say things without even knowing if we believe them ourselves. It is hard to question incorrect thinking—especially in a culture that doesn’t value truth. However, as Christians, we should value the Word of God as our ultimate authority. We should lovingly tell our friends and family that we believe differently so that we can share our hope in Jesus Christ. 

And dear grieving parent, I know that the words spoken to us in our grief are not often comforting and can even be very hurtful. Oftentimes, these cliches are shared with us because people get awkward, don’t want to take the time to listen, or don’t even know what to say or how to listen. 

I am sorry for the hurtful words that have been spoken to you. I am sure I’ve said them to people myself before losing my children. But thank God that, through Christ, we are sustained and upheld by our gracious God. He is our ultimate comfort. He will never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5), and He will carry us through this trial by the strength of His might and not our own. 

Ravyn is married to Anthony, and together they have three children: Noah, Isabelle, and Micah. Ravyn is a teacher and loves reading, writing, and hiking.

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