Ask the Blog Team: What Would You Say to a Mom Who is Feeling Either “Too Sad” or “Not Sad Enough” in Her Grief?

Welcome to our Q+A series, Ask the Blog Team. In this series, the Hope Mommies blog team joins together to answer questions that are commonly asked in grief. If there is a question or topic that you have wrestled with in your grief that you would like the opportunity to see how other Hope Moms have processed or answered, we would love to hear from you. You can submit your questions here.

Your sadness will wax and wane. Thankfully, we do get relief from the burden of sadness. When you have days that you aren’t feeling sad “enough”, I recommend asking God and yourself…why? Was there something in the Word or in life that helped me not feel such despair? And is that something a helpful coping mechanism I should remember for next time or a temporary one that I shouldn’t resort to?  Also, if you’re focusing too much on your level of sadness, could it be you’re focusing too much on yourself in general with emotional expectations? Is this coming from the Lord or yourself?  Likewise, when feeling unbearable sadness, investigate why it over-took you that day or time. Both are a good chance to sit with God and reflect on how you are responding to His truth in light of your circumstances.

- Kayla

Hope Mom to Anna Joy

Grief comes in waves. I struggled with sorrow a lot until my son was born. Then, I struggled with guilt because I was busier and felt like I wasn’t grieving enough. I now have two children under two, and while I think of my other babies each day, I don’t often grieve as overtly as I used to. However, Isabelle’s third birthday and anniversary of her death are coming up next month, and I can feel the sorrow more than usual. I guess I would say seek the Lord in the waves. When you feel too sad, worship the Lord, and when you don’t feel sad enough, worship the Lord. I don’t mean to sound too simplistic, but I am learning that, as bereaved mothers, we like to beat ourselves up either way, when we really should be setting our eyes on the Lord. There is freedom in Christ. When you are “too sad” praise the Lord for your child and for his faithfulness. When you aren’t sad enough, praise the Lord for your child, his faithfulness, and the small break he’s given you from all the sorrow. 

- Ravyn

Hope Mom to Noah and Isabelle

My advice for “I’m too sad” is that it is ok to feel that way. I know some people try to push away the sadness or box it up and not let it out, but crying, sadness, and grieving are all part of the healing process. Although it is not fun and no one likes being sad, sadness is to be expected, is normal, and is not inherently bad, I think sometimes we forget that in our inundation of happy instagram and facebook photos. In my experience, if you do not deal with your grief and feel your feelings on your own terms, your grief will deal with you on its terms and may come out in ways that are unwanted or unhealthy. Of course, you can always talk to your doctor if you feel your feelings are outside the normal expectations for grief. 

- Sarah

Hope Mom to Baby P and One Precious Babe
It’s so hard to give a generalized answer to this, because there’s not a set of rules about how our grief should look. So I would say ideally, ask a trusted friend to talk through this with you, and ask God for humility to listen and consider the friend’s input. Our grief understandably skews our perspective and our emotions, so we maybe can’t quite answer for ourselves whether we are being too much or too little of anything in the midst of our grief.

I also think that most of us experience a wide range of emotions (or lack thereof) in different stages and seasons of our grief. The red flag for me would be if I was “stuck” in an intense sadness or anger or something for an extended amount of time. At that point, I think it may be warranted to have some hard conversations about how to grieve without losing sight of the hope and truth of the gospel. Again, it’s too hard to generalize, so this is where others can step in and help us figure out whether our feelings are “too much” or “too little.”

One more thing: I have been so encouraged by the many, many parts of the Bible that express deep emotion and grief (especially Psalms, also Job and Lamentations, and others). So even if there are no believers around you to encourage you, run to the Scriptures and read those passages that echo your own raw feelings, and then keep reading, and let your heart be comforted by the hope that is held up in the midst of very real pain and questions and doubts. God clearly is not scared off by our feelings, so let us always run to Him in our grief.

- Kate

Hope Mom to Esther Joy and Baby Newman
 

When we are focused horizontally, looking at everyone around us in order to determine what our grief should look like, we will get stuck in a cycle of comparison and find ourselves perpetually distraught over how much or how little we are grieving. The danger in living this way, is that we allow our hearts to become untethered to the rock-solid foundation of Scripture and begin to compare our lives and circumstances to that of those around us. Your grief will not look identical to anyone else’s. While there might be someone whose story is very similar to yours, their grief journey cannot dictate yours.

Let the Lord guide you instead. When you are tempted to believe that you are grieving too much or too little, saturate yourself in Scripture and keep your eyes on the Lord. Trust that as you are faithfully pursuing God and His glory, He will direct your grief. Look to the examples we are given in the Word of men and women who grieved with hope-filled honesty. Study the Psalms of lament to discover the biblical pattern of crying out to God, wrestling with hardship, and calling to mind God’s faithfulness.

 

- Ashlee

Hope Mom to Simeon and Odelle
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