Christie’s Story

In 2008, I met the love of my life, Ken Stoddart. We had an exciting and romantic courtship and were married on July 17, 2010. We were beyond thrilled when we found out we were pregnant right after the wedding. I remember taking a pregnancy test 20 times, just to make sure. The feeling of seeing those lines was beyond exciting.

I called my sister, and asked her “What do I do now?”

She simply replied, “You wait.”

I had horrible morning sickness and only wanted to eat cookies and ice cream. My mother-in-law told me that the sicker I was, the healthier the baby was going to be. I had no doubt that PNut was going to be beautiful. We went to all of our doctor appointments and the heartbeat sounded so strong.

I was in Georgia for my nephew’s boot camp graduation when I got a call from the doctor. They wanted me to go to a specialist for an ultrasound, because of some abnormalities in my blood work. My heart dropped, but everyone kept telling me that these happen and it would be fine. I called Ken and told him and we set up the appointment, so we could both attend it. The nurse was so nice, but then something changed in her voice. She told us that she would be right back and she ran out of the room. Ken and I just started to cry; we knew something was wrong. The specialist came in and informed us that there was a larger amount of water on the brain. We went to a number of specialists and had test after test. The MRI was the worst. I had to remain still, and Ken didn’t want to leave me in the room by myself. They allowed him to stay, but he wasn’t allowed to move either. We both were still with tears falling down our faces.

We lost PNut at 21 weeks in October 2010. They told me it wasn’t my fault a thousand times, and that these things happen. I still didn’t understand why, and I still reviewed every part of my pregnancy to try to figure out the why. I couldn’t find the answers. I thanked God for the month that I was able to feel him kick in my stomach and for the chance to get to know PNut’s cravings of ice cream, cookies, and fried chicken.

After we lost PNut, we didn’t have a close relationship with God or a Christian community to lean on. We were the ones sitting in church on Sunday, thinking that that was enough to have a “close” relationship with God. We did what we thought was best and that was to move on. We didn’t take the time to heal and, instead, just focused on getting pregnant again. Ken dove into working out and was able to complete an Iron Man, which was amazing. At the same time, I was at home focusing on how I was going to get pregnant. We weren’t focused on God. We were focused on what we thought would make us feel better, and for a brief time it worked.

We tried for about three years to get pregnant, but were told that we had unexplained infertility. It was so hard, but I still didn’t lean into God for help. I was getting angry at God and at Ken. I felt incomplete as a woman, because I couldn’t produce a child. I felt as though everyone was saying the wrong thing, and no one understood what I was going through. I felt as though God was punishing me, and I was strictly focused on the negative parts of my life. I was consumed by anger and bitterness. I didn’t share my struggles with anyone, which caused them to fester even more inside of me. I thought I could handle these feelings on my own, and began to isolate myself from everyone. Even my husband.

In January 2014, Ken and I decided to start the adoption process. We were so excited and filled with hope. In March 2014, we celebrated Ken’s 40^th Birthday with all of his friends, and he announced that we were “expecting.” My heart melted listening to Ken describing how we decided to adopt and that we were waiting to be matched with a birth mother, and he compared that to us being pregnant. He was so proud and excited, and so was I. God was amazing and matched us up with Nicole, a birth mother, who finally felt as though she had a plan and was doing the right thing for her child. She texted me often, and told me that “my daughter” kept kicking her in the bladder. I went to a doctor’s appointment and heard the heartbeat and felt instantly connected to Ellie Caroline (Ellie was named after my Mom, who passed away in November 2003). We couldn’t have asked for a better relationship with Nicole.

On July 11, 2014, I got a call from Nicole telling me she was going into labor. At the time, I was at a sales meeting and all of my colleagues knew that I had been waiting for this call. My manager grabbed my arms, and said, “Oh Christie, you are going to be a Mom today. Congratulations.” I ran to the airport, and Ken was at home grabbing the car seat and the bag we had packed for the delivery. I was calling everyone to let them know that Nicole was in Labor, and Ellie Caroline was about to be born. Then Nicole called back and told me that the umbilical cord had wrapped around Ellie’s neck and she was stillborn. I spoke to the nurse, who confirmed that there was nothing that could be done. I fell to my knees. I went from the most amazing high to lowest of the lows. She was beautiful and I just wanted her to open her eyes. How could this possible happen to us…again?

Soon after we got home, I received a Hope Box. I didn’t want to open it, and once again became angry and shut everyone out. I tried to just move on, and throw myself into work. I was angry at my husband and didn’t seem to realize that he too was grieving. I was mad at God and didn’t understand why He was punishing me—why He didn’t want me to have a child.  I still thought I could handle life and the grief on my own. I would attend church when I found time, but still only had one foot in.

I continued to struggle over the next few months, but had a few amazing friends who kept talking to me about God’s love. I started reading “The One Year Book of Hope,” by Nancy Guthrie. Week one was on “Brokenhearted,” and that described exactly how I was feeling. The passage was Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who are crushed in spirit.” I continued to read and a number of verses touched my heart. Then I read, “When Adam sinned, sin entered the entire human race. Adam’s sin brought death, so death spread to everyone, for everyone sinned.”

We live in a broken world; when we lean into God and keep our eyes focused on Him, He will rescue us. God has not forgotten me and He does have a plan for me and for all of us.

– Christie

Hope Mom to PNut and Ellie Caroline

 

We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog! Every Saturday we feature a Hope Mom’s story in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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