Be Devoted to One Another: Her Story

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” -Romans 12:9-12

The goodness that was present in my relationship with my husband in grief was owed all to the Lord’s work in our hearts. We had made the confession of our sins before our holy God; gained the forgiveness and righteousness made possible for us in Jesus Christ alone; awed at the gracious, full acceptance we both received before the just, good, almighty, caring Father because of our Lord; and aimed to please Him in response. As I think about our grief, three conversations come to mind from the earliest days that reflect our devotion to one another, based upon this foundation of Christ and the teachings of His Word.

Conversation One: He Is Noelle’s Dad

The first conversation was in the couple of days after we came home from the hospital with grief in place of our daughter—when we still spent much of our time upstairs in our bedroom, the pack-n-play was still in its place under the window as when it was waiting for our girl, and when service preparations were still forming together. I could already tell that, of me and Tyler, I would be the one with the most tears, with the most prolonged period of internal processing, and with the most longing need for outward expressions for my sorrow.

But my love for our daughter was not the better love. No. I knew that Tyler would always be missing his dear, little princess Noelle in this life; he would always be without this daughter here. He and I would always remember the same pronouncement of a silent heartbeat that commenced our sobs in front of that bleak ultrasound machine. So we agreed on that early day that we would trust our personal griefs—trust that we were both fashioned by God, including our individual personalities and responses (Psalm 119:73).

This simple truth was a comfort—I am Noelle’s mom equally as much as he is her dad, and visa versa. So if there was ever a moment from then on that seemed as though we were experiencing our loss differently, we always held that it was a difference in style and not a difference in our daughter’s meaningfulness to us or our significance to her. Christ is the foundation of this kind of devotion to one another; we can be at peace with differences in personality because we honor God’s creating, forming hands upon each other’s lives, and also believe that we have both been given righteous standing in Christ through faith, without distinction (Rom. 3:22).

Not letting our different styles of grief blind me from seeing the significance of him as her dad was one reason I was blessed to not feel alone in grief; I knew that, though differently, he was very much in it with me.

Conversation Two: Benefits to Differences

The second conversation I want to highlight here was with my mom. It had been some months since Noelle had gone ahead. In one of many conversations with her about Noelle, our memories together with her, grief, and the gift of Noelle’s presence in heaven, my mom and I recalled these past days in terms of my marriage. We saw that—by God’s grace—Tyler and I had come through together, as a unit, loving the Lord better than before. Tyler did have a different style of grief than I had—it would have been difficult to miss, I imagine. Yet, he used all that God gave him to serve me and others; I think I still don’t comprehend how devoted he was. He sacrificially and generously gave time; energies; extra household help; working days to solely support us, while still grieving himself; listening hours of conversations; nods of affirmation; looks of comfort and compassion; biblical insights; and prayers.

What my mom and I both resoundingly agreed upon in our conversation was that if Tyler and I had shared the same style of grief, he would not have been able to be the support to me that he was. My grief would have been affected; my life would not have been the same because I relied heavily upon him. And this—he—has made a profound difference in who I have been able to become through it. I share this to encourage those couples who also have significant individual differences when it comes to the expression of grief to not for a moment believe that you cannot be devoted to one another in such love—while still being true to your individual personalities. It is likely through and because of your differences that you can be an immense support or help to your spouse.

Christ is the foundation of this kind of love in Tyler—the first time He came to earth, He came to serve (Mark 10:45). Infinite God gave of Himself, and poured Himself out on the tree (Phil. 2:6-8); He bore the separation that we never could if we were going to have life. I praise God that this love is profoundly the basis and foundation of my husband’s life and being.

Conversation Three: His Faith in God

This final conversation I want to highlight didn’t come for another period of time—perhaps a year to a year and a half after Noelle went home. I made record of every step of my grief; I had written about Tyler and how we grieved together. I typed words about how his grief was different than mine and that his tribute was not poured out in words, which are often my choice mode of expression, but in the work of his hands and heart to serve (though he did write many memorable words too!). While one can no longer do much for a child absent from this earth, he served Noelle out of pure love in arranging the many details of her service, singing and reading at her service, and prompting the idea for her memorial fund; he served me daily as I wrote above; he continued to serve in his roles at church and pursue excellence in his work. He did it all to the honor of God. I saw it as a striking example of what he would have done for Noelle too if she had still been on earth—serve her with all of his heart to the honor of the Lord.

One day, I shared this writing with Tyler—he thanked me. But he said there was more. And I was able to step into his position in a way I hadn’t yet. My husband’s first child left this earthly life, and in the same day, his wife was thrust into an inexpressible grief. As a husband and as a father, he could do nothing about either. He could not bring Noelle back to us; he could not cure my tears. He couldn’t snap her back; he couldn’t snap me back. And, remarkably, he never made any attempted remedies for either outside of his control.

Instead—with all of that weight as a husband and father—he trusted the Lord. He left the weight with Him. He entrusted his departed daughter to the Lord, and he entrusted his devastated wife to the Lord. My husband’s tribute of service meant even more to me after that conversation because I saw the faith in God it required. My husband’s own faith in God was an irreplaceable gift to me—his devotion to God, my great good. Of him, this verse could not be more fitting; he was joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer—an example to me and those who know him. Clearly, this was evidence of the Lord’s might at work in his life (Phil. 2:13)—all glory to God for what He works in all of our lives.

My husband and I grieved together, as parents to a daughter God gave us, making us mom and dad, as mourners trusting the Lord in our own styles, and as believers in the God whose salvation alone has been the definition of devotion that brings rivers of life within during every possible earthly drought (Jn. 7:38). Our God-given devotion to each other as believers and spouses is the outworking of Scripture forming into us solid belief in Him. To know the gospel of Jesus Christ is to have a foundation for devoted love because Christ has been devoted to us.

Lianna is author of Made for a Different Land: Eternal Hope for Baby Loss (Hope Mommies, 2019). More of her writing can be found at her website.

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