Alicia’s Story

David and I have been married for almost 18 years, and our story of trying to grow our family began when we realized that infertility would be a road we would walk down in our marriage. I don’t think I ever imagined the difficulty and heartache we would face as we tried to grow our family over the span of more than five years and through multiple fertility treatments.  

In 2010, we became pregnant with identical twins. This news brought with it emotions intertwined with excitement, joy, fear, anxiety, and stress, as we began our journey as first time parents. I remember sitting in the doctor’s office hearing their heartbeats for the first time, and thinking, “I get to be a mom to two babies! Wow! What a gift.”  

At my next appointment a few weeks later, we were excited to see the twins again. But this time, we weren’t met with the sound of heartbeats. Instead, we found out that I had miscarried them. It was completely unexpected, and we were devastated.

During the weeks following my miscarriage, I clung to the truths found in the song Your Hands by JJ Heller. The first verse says:

I have unanswered prayers,
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there,
And I have asked a thousand ways,
That you would take my pain away,
You would take my pain away.

As you come to the chorus, the song continues:

When my world is shaking, 
Heaven stands, 
When my heart is breaking, 
I never leave your hands. 

God’s hands were holding us the entire time. Through infertility, through the miscarriage of our twins, through it all, He held us.    

Being a teacher and going through infertility was not easy, but that summer we decided to try again. After finding out that I was expecting again, I began to pray diligently that this little baby would be healthy and this pregnancy would be different. In April 2011, we welcomed our son, Landon, into our arms. He is an absolute joy in our lives, and has been an incredible gift to us both. We could not be more thankful for the blessing of his life. Landon filled our longing arms, and made us parents on this side of heaven.

Our desire to continue to grow our family still felt incomplete. We knew this would lead us back through another season of fertility treatments. Before we navigated those very familiar waters again, we had many God-driven conversations. We knew that the road to have another child would be a difficult one, but we also knew that if God’s will for our family was for us to only parent one child on earth, we would be okay. I prayed that God would give us the gift of another healthy baby or answer our prayers by not allowing us to get pregnant at all. 

In September of 2013, I became pregnant with our son, Spencer. We were shocked and extremely excited to have another son and for Landon to become a big brother.  

No two pregnancies are the same, and this one started out so much different than the previous two. Genetic testing did not reveal any complications or abnormalities, but I felt like I wasn’t gaining weight quick enough. I know, why would I want to gain more weight? But I did find it odd. I talked with the doctor about it, and she said that because my uterus was growing and our son’s heartbeat was strong there was nothing to be concerned about.

Our 20-week ultrasound, however, revealed a much different story. During the sonogram, we got to see our baby and hear his heartbeat, but things seemed off to me. She took us to another room where we waited on the doctor to give us the news. When she left the room, I looked at my husband and told him that something did not feel right. I clung to the pictures the sonographer had given me, praying and hoping that everything was okay. 

Our doctor walked in with a look that was all too familiar to us and told us that our son’s kidneys were not normal and that I had low amniotic fluid. Our son was not well and he needed medical attention immediately. My mama instinct was confirmed.  

I called my mom to let her know what was going on and told her that I would keep her updated. It was so difficult to talk through the tears that streamed down my face as I was trying to explain to her what little I knew about Spencer’s condition. I think watching my husband call his dad with tears flowing from his eyes was even more difficult to see. The whole day was a complete whirlwind, and I cried most of the way home that night not knowing what was really going on with my baby.

We had a long week of doctors appointments filled with testing and meetings to find out our son was diagnosed with LUTO (lower urinary tract obstruction) and that he was unable to receive any fetal intervention. My husband held me tight as we cried together. We began calling our family to let them know—with each phone call we mourned together over the news we received regarding our baby.

That week was a whirlwind of emotions, but my husband and I had prayed diligently that God would give us clarity through the entire process and that a decision for intervention would not rest on us. We felt unprepared to make a decision regarding the quality of life our son would have, and the long-term effects it would have on our family. While the news we received was difficult to hear, it was a blessing that our prayers had been answered. We both decided that I would carry our little boy until God decided to take him home. We hoped for a miracle and prayed that God would prepare us for whatever His will was for our child.

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing,give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”
-1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

The following weeks did not come without many difficult and challenging moments, but God truly blessed us with wonderful friends and family that supported us and prayed for us through it all. During this time, my prayer shifted and I began to ask God to use me. I prayed that if His will was for Spencer to leave this earth for his heavenly home, that God would use Spencer’s story—to use me—for His glory. 

Spencer was born March 17, 2014 at 12:34pm and lived for a beautiful 31 minutes. He was and is truly loved, and I cherish the weeks that I carried him within me and the brief time he spent with us on earth. Soon we will be celebrating Spencer’s seventh birthday. It is hard to imagine that for seven years we have celebrated a birthday without him and missed all those special moments on this side of heaven. 

Spencer, you have spent seven glorious years with our heavenly Father, and for seven years you have worshipped Him alongside your twin siblings. Because of Christ’s work on the cross, you, my dear sweet son, are perfect and complete. I can’t wait for the day when I am once more able to hold you and know every detail about you, but until then I will hold on to the hope I know—I will hold on to Jesus.

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