Our All-Present God
God has invited us to be captivated by the greatness of His character and what we believe about God has the greatest potential to shape our suffering. Although we will never be able to thoroughly grasp the fullness of His glory on this side of eternity, He has given us glimpses of His glory in the revelation of His Word. In this series, we will dive into ten attributes of God and discover what hope they offer us in our sorrow and how knowing and believing these truths about who God is can provide great comfort in the midst of grief.
In 2015, just five months after getting married, I went on an overseas medical mission as part of my service to a non-profit board I sat on. I had traveled internationally before, but always for fun, and always with friends. This time I travelled with a woman I knew from the board, but we weren’t close. In my past travels, I’d been able to get by with my knowledge of Latin-based languages. That was not the case on this trip. I was out of my element, in a place where bombings and other violence were common, and separated from my husband who was my safe place and home away from home.
More than once, daunted by the day’s schedule and where it would take me, I prayed and told God I trusted Him to be with me and keep me safe. I had no recourse other than to visualize myself in His hands. And time after time He answered my prayers with changed plans or an unexpected companion. On one such day, a free day when I expected to be completely alone, I wanted to explore the city but felt vulnerable as an unaccompanied female with no knowledge of the local language. God showed up by providing a fortuitous introduction to a Bible professor teaching at an American university outpost across the road from my lodgings. She was my personal tour guide that day, which ended at dinner with her and several other members of the university’s faculty. God not only heard my prayer to keep me safe, He went above and beyond to provide companionship and keep the promise He makes in Joshua 1:9:
“…Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
He proved He was always with me—tangibly.
Fast forward to January 2018 when I had my first confirmed pregnancy loss, then five months later when I had another, and then nine months later when I had yet another. My first loss was a true shock and threw me into a pit of sullenness and self-pity. I didn’t make time to talk to God about my pain, I just stewed in it for weeks and took it out on my husband until I had finally had enough and kneeled in front of my couch one night to repent. In the next few moments, when I expected to feel condemnation, I instead felt the comforting love of my Father. He reminded me that He wept with me over the loss of that baby and that there had not been a moment in the last three weeks that He had not been by my side—not in the exam room, not in the bathroom when my baby left my body, not during the long days of grief and solitude.
My next two pregnancies were characterized by anxiety and very little joy leading up to those first ultrasounds. When there was blood and when there wasn’t blood, when I was nauseous and when I wasn’t nauseous, when I felt a twinge of pain in my abdomen—every moment of every day was an exercise in taking my thoughts captive and remembering the promises found in His Word—promises like Romans 8:28:
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.”
And then on ultrasound days, when the tech was silent and the screen didn’t throb as it should have, my resolve to trust would be eviscerated. But even in my human weakness and doubt, He was strong, unchanging, and present.
The loss of a baby—through miscarriage or stillbirth—comes with physiological complications that other losses do not. After every one of my miscarriages, my hormones got the best of me and took me to a place where I was heartbroken and unreachable. Nobody could do anything for me, nobody could be in my head, no one could stop the pain of grief that sliced through me when I opened my eyes in the morning—not my husband, mom, sister, or closest friends. The only One that I could cry out to and hope for understanding from was God.
“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” Romans 8:26
Just as He was present in my travels, He has been present in my grief, in my weakness, in my anger, in all of my brokenness and sinfulness. And He will be present with you, too.
A benediction from Psalm 139:1-10
Lord, You know everything about me—my every action and my every thought, good and bad. You know my words and needs before I ever think to speak them. You surround me at all times, and the knowledge of that is too wonderful. What have I done to deserve it? What have I done to deserve You? In my darkest days and most joyful moments you are with me—the flightiness of my human emotions is no match for Your almighty and all-powerful presence. Thank you, Jesus, for loving me so much and for always being present with me. Amen.
- Rachel Hayes
Hope Mom to Hope, August, Violet, and Theodore
Rachel lives in Austin, Texas with her husband and daughter and has four babies in heaven. She has completed a memoir about her experiences with pregnancy and fertility loss, and hopes to publish it in 2021. Connect with Rachel or learn more at RachelDawnHayes.com.
We would be honored to share your story as a Hope Mom on our blog. On Saturdays we feature Hope Moms’ stories in order to showcase God’s faithfulness even in the midst of such deep sorrow. If you would like to have your story shared on our blog for this purpose, learn more and submit here.
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