Adopting After Loss
Each child gone ahead from among us is a precious person made in the image of God—and all having been made into Hope Moms, we together declare motherhood in each of our journeys. We are eager to go above and beyond in showing honor and love for one another (Rom. 12:10, 15). Through this series, we honor each other’s experiences of motherhood in love through our shared God of hope.
When my husband, Kevin, and I married nearly 6 years ago, we both knew that we wanted adoption to be a part of our how our family would form. But like many families, how adoption came into our world was quite different than what we had anticipated.
After losing two children 14 months apart from another to two similar conditions, we knew that becoming pregnant again was something we were not ready for. Our hearts and my body had been through much, as I carried to term two beautiful little girls, and held them in my arms for mere moments. The mother within me had been awakened over the course of those three years of anticipating motherhood. And yet, as I buried my second daughter the only child I longed to hold and parent in those moments was her.
I knew that we could not step into adoption until my heart was ready to receive another child, and not solely be longing for the ones I lost. I wanted to grieve well, (though we all know that grief is a life long journey) and I wanted to take the time and space to allow God to do a work in my heart to deal with the pain my now empty arms had surfaced. Another child, I knew, would not fill the gaping hole in my heart.
As time went on, knowing that the adoption process can take awhile, I became ready to take the next step. For us, the next step was gathering information about adoption agencies, meeting with them, and deciding on the agency we would want to work with. Each step on the journey of adoption surfaced new things for my heart to wrestle afresh with. I was thankful for the space and resources our adoption agency gave to help us continue to unpack our grief and prepare our hearts for another child. Though everything in me wanted a child to hold much quicker, I was at a much healthier space to bring home a child because of the waiting.
The waiting surfaced so many things. It was not merely a waiting that began from the moment we lost our second child to when we brought home our son through adoption, but a waiting that began when that desire to be a mother was first birthed in my heart, many years earlier. For me, this happened so quickly when I became pregnant with my first daughter. But it would be three and a half years later until that desire was fulfilled.
In that time, I mothered the children I birthed and than buried in ways no mother dreams of being their entrance into motherhood. I laid down dreams of how I thought my family would form, and God began to open my eyes to new dreams—to an awareness that being a mother did not only mean birthing a child, or breastfeeding my baby, or having a child that looked like me and carried my genes. Motherhood at its core is the sacrificial giving of your body—your self—to love and care for the life of another. And that could be displayed in so many other ways as well.
I began to embrace that though my journey in motherhood included carrying two precious little girls, it would also include carrying a child in my heart not birthed by me. The adoption process, and the arrival of our son through adoption, awakened new aspects of motherhood in my heart, as well as ones so many mothers experience. When we got the call that not only had an incredible birthmother chosen us to be the parents for her son, but he had also just been born, we were stunned.
I was struck by the amount of joy and love my heart could hold as we went to meet our new son, and I was overwhelmed and surprised by the grief it surfaced as well. The shock of hearing of his arrival bared strange resemblance to the emotions of shock I felt when we found out our daughters would not live. And though paired now with joy instead of devastation the similarities of those emotions were strange and uncomfortable to sit in.
It was strange to come home with a son in our arms and learn the daily ins and outs of caring for a child. I was joyful to get to change dirty diapers, soothe his tears, and have sleepless nights, because a little child was alive, my little child was alive in my home. But it also surfaced grief—the sadness of what I had missed experiencing with my girls, and the sadness of being a mother of three now, but just learning how to mother a child in many ways.
As I have engaged with the grief, it has opened my heart to more joy. My son has filled our home with so much more laughter and joy than we had experienced in such a long time, and as I look at him, I am continually amazed at the great privilege it is to have been chosen to be his mother. I can’t imagine life without my son in our home. I can’t imagine our lives without our two daughters who are no longer here.
I would never have chosen or written this story for my life, and yet, as I look at the journey God has and continues to take us on in forming our family, I have seen His love and kindness through it all. I have seen Him see me in the longings of my heart. And as I have surrendered to His ways that are above my own, I have seen Him fulfill those longings for motherhood in unique and different ways.
I am so grateful for each child He has given me the privilege to mother, and stepping into adoption after loss has opened my eyes to they ways God may want to bless the hearts of many other children through the mother He has awakened in me. My husband and I believe that Jaden, our son, will not be the only child we adopt. In fact, we pray daily for the children He will bring into our lives through adoption, who perhaps are alive even now.
Five years ago, when I found out my dreams for motherhood would not play out as I had hoped, I could not have imagined how God would create new dreams—how He would bring healing to this broken heart of mine, and would continue to show me what it means to be a mother.
For a mother who offers herself and her motherhood to Christ, will surely be surprised at the life God infuses into the places she thought long dead.
- Lindsey
Hope Mom to Sophie and Dasah
Hi! I’m Lindsey. I live in Orlando, Florida with my stud of a husband Kevin. We have 3 incredible children, Sophie and Dasah who now live with Jesus, and Jaden who came into our lives through adoption. We have a very energetic golden retriever, and love living in the sunshine state. I get to spend my days loving on my son, investing my life in college students here through a non-profit organization we’re a part of, and when I have time, writing on my blog about the hope that doesn’t disappoint!
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Sarah
April 19, 2018 (3:56 pm)
Thank you so much for sharing your story Lindsey. Your story is an answered prayer for a glimpse of hope. Coming up just two months ago my husband and I had to for the second time give our precious 8 month old son, Paul, back to Jesus. Just two years before that we buried and gave back our first son, Miles, to Jesus. Both of my sons leaving my arms was unexpected, devastating and traumatic. Both had a heart attack while in my arms and it wasn’t until Paul went to Heaven that we learned my husband and I are carriers of a rare and awful genetic disorder. Losing our boys and the ability to grow our family biologically has been really hard. Similar to you, adoption had been something we talked about to grow our family long before everything happened and it’s interesting how the way we’re lead to it, like you said, isn’t the way we thought we would be. You had a much better outlook on the waiting part of it all then me (I hope to ome day trust God’s hand in it better), The waiting has been incredibly trying as we long so much to get to continue raise up and embrace another child.
Lindsey
April 23, 2018 (1:48 pm)
Sarah, thank you so much for your comment and sharing your heart. I am so deeply sorry you have had to walk through two losses as well of sweet sons. It is agonizing isn’t it? And I have to say that what you read were truths God was weaving in my heart in the midst of the deep ache of empty arms. I have not always had that perspective, especially in the midst of the darkest days of grief. But God is gracious and draws us to Him and His truths with tender arms and soft steps. I had to and have to continue to lean in to Him in the pain and let Him do a work with my often broken and resistant heart. Praying you would continue to lean into Him on your own journey and that God would surprise you with what He has in store for your future, your family and most importantly your relationship with Christ. If you’d like to talk more feel free to reach out to me via my contact page on my personal blog http://www.vaporandmist.com I would love to connect with you!
Heidi
April 20, 2018 (8:02 am)
Thank you so much for sharing this. Often we hope moms talk of and hear of “rainbow babies.” And rightfully so, as a biological baby after loss is a gift to many. Yet there are those of us for whom another biological child is not possible. I also have lost three beautiful children. When my Elliot died nearly a year ago at five days old, my dreams of carrying and nursing a baby who would come home to live with us died with him. Yet, you’re so right-motherhood is not just about the physical aspects of sharing DNA. We are in the process of becoming licensed foster parents, and hope someday to adopt. I don’t believe God caused the deaths of my babies so that I would pursue adoption. I don’t believe their deaths were his plan, but rather the result of living in a broken world and a broken body that has yet to be fully redeemed and perfected. I believe the deaths of my babies break his heart. And in the brokenness I feel and God feels with me, I think that’s where, like you said, new aspects of love and motherhood arise. The broken places Satan wants to use to harm me are where God wants to bring unexpected life. Not saying it will be easy! But love is not easy. Thanks again for sharing.
Charlene
April 20, 2018 (11:20 am)
Thank you so much for this beautiful article. I have been following your story for a while as you were one of the first loss moms I found who didn’t have living biological children and were choosing to adopt.
We lost our only daughter, Eliana Grace, at 37 weeks, almost two years ago now. In the process of giving birth to her, I had a severe hemorage, nearly died, and had an emergency c-section. As someone who had always dreamed of motherhood, the grief and loss were horrible. If it were not for our faith in God we would not be standing.
In October we welcomed a baby girl into our arms and home, through the foster care system. She is thriving and healthy, crawling and exploring the world around her. Though her permanent presence with us is not yet determined, she is a joy and we thank God for this time with her.
Thank you for sharing your life and story. It is an encouragement to us who are pursuing parenthood through adoption. May God continue to bless and grow your sweet family.
With love,
Charlene
Charlene
April 21, 2018 (12:58 pm)
I meant to say, emergency hysterectomy, not c-section. I gave birth to my daughter and then had emergency surgery.
J
April 20, 2018 (8:50 pm)
I love everything about this and can relate to many words you have written. Allowing God yo heal our heart but also open it to the possibility of adoption is a sacred dance of grief and hope. Our daughter passed away in 2011 and in 2016 we welcomed our adopted son 75 days after starting the process. Blessings to your family and prayers as your adoption journey continues.