Year Five Prayer

Dear Father,

Thank You for loving Noelle perfectly, and more than I possibly could. Thank You for knowing her before that positive pregnancy test changed our lives. Thank you for the hope you have saved her from all sin and from much pain in this life. Thank You that though I sit and sob, she has never not seen Your glory and love.

Thank You for remembering my tears, each bleeding drop for her. You hold my heart in the same hands that hold my sweet girl. I have wanted to do something beautiful—to remember, treasure, and serve. But I know it is You who have given us more than we deserve. Christ’s cross we both hold high, in heaven and in this world.

To You, Oh Lord, my heart I raise. Without You, there is no hope, no peace, no praise. When, finally, we sit before Your throne together, we’ll be home; we’ll start the best forever. “New normal” is what I have lived these past years. When I recently set three places (not four) at the table, the pain felt new and near. Family dinner is missing our first little dear.

These family dinners with three were another “first” to experience of life without one of my treasured girls. I trust I will continue to step into more of the “new normal,” by Your grace, next time I hurt for that head of curls. What’s lovely to me can be summed up in what a good friend once said of her own—I would not bring her back, even if that could unfold. I have hope I will go to her, but she will not return to me. And for that, I thank You, my God, my Lord, my Almighty.

It’s You; it has always been You to be first in my heart. This has been no different, even with me and Noelle apart. And You have always been present with limitless compassion and care. Without You, I lack no good thing; I do not comprehend Your goodness, but I am aware. For every spiritual blessing is mine in Christ. Knowing You is fullness of all life.

That is why I can take each step forward on earth, even those that feel “new” without her after five years. Not once have You left or forsaken me. I give You all praise for that provision—my sure testimony. Guide me now with Your ever-loving hand. One day, lead me home to that place longed-for through the ages, the eternal land. There, please, may it be said of me that I lived and served for the sake of You, the only One who has sacrificed to make my heart of stone new.

To know Noelle I ache; she is one of my two joyous baby-gifts. But all the while, she is eternally happy and blessed in the place of no tears, where nothing is even slightly amiss. I also know that my own happiness is no dismissal of Your gift of her. Instead, part of worship is to gratefully and humbly receive everything good, joyous, and even happy, that You do decide to give. Partaking of Your rich blessings—how sweet to think I share this with the baby I have seen, but never met. Thank You that five years later, I most think of closeness with her not in the torrents of earthly sadness, but in the depths of Your eternally shared love. To You alone, my God, my worship I lift.

Thank You for making my heart of stone into flesh and for showing me that because of Christ I changelessly stand as one who is graciously blessed.

In Jesus Christ’s Name,

Amen

Lianna Davis is wed to Tyler and mother of two girls, one who lives in heaven and one who lives on earth. She lives in the western Chicago suburbs where she enjoys family, church, photography, and theology.

With gratitude to God, in memory of Noelle—born into heaven on April 16, 2013

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